Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I feel like crying...

We just got home from the Children's Museum. Paxton hit on one of my (very) few "zero tolerance" actions, i.e. he bit me. We already went through a "biting phase" where I was far more tolerant until he came out of it, but now that he's older and knows it's bad...

I hate having to be mean. With normal things, like hitting or kicking or spitting or whatever, he gets a warning or a time out. Nothing huge and it works. But a zero tolerance action is something I absolutely do not want repeating. Aside from biting I think playing with fecal matter or doing something very dangerous are just about the only things that send me into "crazy flipped out mommy" mode.

What I've learned with my son is that when I got totally over the top with a punishment it doesn't repeat as often. With hitting I used to just give a warning but now he gets a longer warning, I hold his hand for a bit, and if he repeats he gets a time out and a reprimand, usually the "I'm dissapointed" speech too which always worked on me and now works on him. Nothing huge but enough of a bother that he doesn't often repeat soon after.

With something that I absolutely do not want repeating or escalating, though, I have to go above and beyond. And I've learned from experience that just flipping the hell out (not really, just acting like it) works.

And I always want to cry when I do it.

He bit me while I was trying to calm down a tantrum and, honestly, for a second I almost let it go. He jumped back and his eyes bulged out and he looked at me. He KNEW it was wrong and he'd get in trouble, which is what I'm pretty much going for. But I know that if I did let it go then he'd know he could try it again and again, and while it's annoying on me, what would happen if he started biting other children while upset? I don't want to let that happen if I have any control over it, and I do have control. So I did my "zero tolerance" freak out, I made him stand up, grabbed my bag, yanked him by the arm (safely, conscious of nurses elbow) down the hall while he cried, stopped to tell him in no uncertain terms that biting was very mean and very wrong and he was in very, very big trouble, plopped him in his stroller then mostly ignored him on the walk to the car except to remind him he was in trouble.

I had to stop myself from breaking down and hugging him so many times, he was just so miserable, but the only way this works (I've found) is if I'm just outright not nice to him for a few minutes. When we got to the car he asked to go potty (we'd gone an hour before) and I told him no, we weren't near a potty. Then I said the dumbest, meanest thing that I could've said that I regret and will continue to regret for a long time. I told him if he had to go then he'd just have to go in his diaper like a baby. I think it was phrased more like "if you're going to bite like a baby does, you'll have to go potty in your diaper too." I felt like crap after saying it, especially when he started crying and patting his chest and telling me that he was a big boy. God, I'm having trouble not crying now...

We talked softly in the car for a bit and I apologized, and he fell asleep. I carried him in and he woke up for a few seconds. We hugged. He just looked so upset, so remorseful. I know that's what I want, for him to know that biting is so utterly terrible that it's not worth doing in anyway. I just hate making my kid feel shame. I know it's a part of parenting, I know that I have to use what I know works for him and I know he'll wake up in an hour or so and we'll cuddle and read books and play and eat cookies and have fun and be happy.

I still feel awful. I mean, my kid cried and I caused it. Yeah it saves a lot of further problems down the road, and yeah my warnings will go a lot further for a long time, but still... this parenting thing is hard...

Why is it that at the day, despite all the hugs and kisses and reading and playing and fun things, all I'll remember is this horrible second or that horrible second? Like the way he tried to plop down when we got to the hall and I didn't notice at first so I was actually swinging him for a second? Or the way he tried to bargain with me and I wouldn't have it? Or the sound of him crying... God, I hate that sound, I just want to bundle him up and hug him forever and make everything better and to know that I'm willingly causing it, if only for a few minutes...

I think I'll go and brood for a bit until my boy wakes up and I can hug him and talk to him. This would've been easier if he hadn't fallen right asleep. I just want to resolve it and move on and then cuddle and be happy again. And he looked so miserable... :(

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