Thursday, January 22, 2009

Just thinking

It's a little too early to be hooking Paxton up to the tv. Usually we let the tv be on during meals, early in the morning while we get things done, or around about 5:30 or so as Nik comes home at 6 and the tv goes off then. It's not quite five and he's well into an episode of the Little Einsteins. I might just take a short nap on the couch with him while he watches. Eh, I'm allowed to be lazy now and again, right?

Today I was talking with a group of library moms. I LOVE our local library. It's tiny, but intimate. We get to know each other, learn the kids names, learn each others names, and actually get to talk. Today after a fun Rhyme Time I walked over to the community center with Paxton and met up with 3 of the other moms with younger kids who were already there. I've talked to them all before but today I really felt like I was getting to know them. One has a little baby born last August who is just the cutest thing. I love watching her grow! While talking to the other moms one mentioned she was due with her third in July. The other laughed and admitted she was due with her second in August. I talked about our upcoming adoption a bit. I still didn't feel like I was "expecting" like they were. I think I'm in a bit of an emotionally protective sheild where I'm not letting the full weight of it hit me yet. I did that with Paxton too, just held my emotions at arm's length until we were bording the plane in Ethiopia with him. So I'm still a bit wary of saying "yeah, we're having a baby too!" and I'm wary of comparing myself to a pregnant mom, but on the other hand... I feel more like it now than I did the first time.

And that's just one of the differences between this adoption and the second.

This time around I'm more sure of myself and who I am as a mother, a wife and a person. I'm more confident that everything will work out, even if there is a fall through. I'm happy and complete and not depressed, even if I am a bit anxious. I'm, in fact, thrilled. I'm excited. I know this journey will be tough, whether long or short, and I know it might be fraught with heartache, but I know that in the end our children are always worth it and having our child sleeping in my arms quickly washes away all the pain of the path to hold them.

There's another difference, too, and this one is a scary one.

This time we're going to have a baby. Not a toddler, not a kid able to tell us where it hurts or when he's hungry or which toy he prefers. We're going to have a tiny, crying, poopy, totally breakable baby. And my God I need to wrap my mind around that.

There's so much we need! Burp cloths, receiving blankets, onesies, bodysuit, booties, hand covers, blankies, a cradle, sheets and towels and a tiny little bathtub. We'll need to buy new soap and shampoo and a new haircare set. We'll need a new thermometer, maybe the binkie type. We'll need a sling and diapers and diaper pails and a new hamper and just... so much stuff! Granted knowing me and my mother and our skill for getting everything together, that'll take, what, a week? A day even? We work fast once there's a complete list :)

But other than the physical stuff there's the mental stuff. The "OMG baby!" stuff. The, "Wow, this one is so little! Is our house warm enough? Am I holding him right? OMG, is he breathing!?!?!?" stuff. Will I even be able to sleep until he or she is 6 months and bigger and chunkier? Or will I set up a glider rocker right beside the crib and curl up under a blanket every night just to be there? I already jolt awake with the smallest of noise clues from Paxton, how often will I jerk awake with this one?

I think I'll go grab that medical book our doctor provided and read it cover to cover. We're so nervous! A baby! A little teensy baby! We're ecstatic, yes, but it's so different...

I think I might just hang out with those other moms a bit more and beg for advice. So much of raising Paxton just came to us by intuition and maybe that will happen again, but just in case I'm going to read EVERYTHING to, y'know, stress myself out. And maybe learn something in the process.

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