I hate feeling tugged in two directions...

Case in Point: Paxton is napping. He seems to be back to napping in his own bed by himself after a week of cudding up with me in my bed. I'm totally cool with this. It also means I can take a nap in my bed without him hogging the covers and no fear of waking him if I need to readjust. So I could be taking a nap now. But I took a nap yesterday and got a full night's sleep and will likely get a full night's sleep tonight. A nap will take away from my "me" time and might make it harder to sleep tonight, making me more tired tomorrow. But on the other hand... it's a nap! Why the heck am I passing up a free nap???

See? Dilemma.

Similar in the adoption thing.

We met with the agency we'll likely sign on to yesterday. Lots of pros, some cons. Figure I should list them.

With this agency:
Pros: Caring professionals, everything is very organized, incredible reviews, educated in all matters, adoption is very smooth through them, etc. And trained respite care during the revocation period such that when the baby is first laid in your arms you are the parent and there is no doubt.
Cons: The fees are much lower for an AA baby than other races, and if the bdad can't be determined and the baby appears biracial we'll owe an extra $6K. Yeah, that's giving me the willies right there, partially with the astounding cost of adopting a child you've already committed to adopt and maybe having to say no after they're born to the bmom you've already bonded with simply because of cost. And the ethics of that, don't get me started. But... everything else is good about them and I can see how they'd come to that conclusion. Other cons? Updating our HS, filling out a ton more paperwork, reworking profile, more references, more crim checks, going to classes, mandatory books, etc. We won't be starting again from the beginning per se, but we'll be close to that. And the cost! Again with the cost! I will be shocked if adopting through them doesn't run us at least what we paid to adopt Paxton, and that includes the fees for the USCIS and $4K plane tickets.

So I'm pulled. I get the feeling they are great, they treat their expectant parents great, and they treat their families great. But the cost is high, the wait is high, and the "within a year most likely" astounds me after hearing so much "less than 6 months definitely."

I'm pulled about going with them or continuing the semi-indie route, maybe going full indie on Parent Profiles or a similar site, and maybe signing up with adoption advertisingwhich is an agency in itself. And we have to choose like now. Or at least within the next couple of days.

I just wish I knew. I know it would be easier to just sign on with them and say "take care of it" and not put any stress into it, but it's also highly inconvenient and more intrusive into our lives than other possibilities.

And again, the cost. I don't put a cost on my children as they're priceless. But I can put a cost limit to our adoption process, and I already did and this will likely exceed it. By a lot if the baby is pale enough...

I'm just torn and pulled and confused. I can FEEL that our next child will come to us soon and I feel frustrated that the avenues we've taken haven't worked out, that Pax is getting older without a sibling, and that the cribsheets are starting to gain a thin layer of dust just sitting there, unwashed and unused for months on end.

I'm not giving up, certainly not, and we've already agreed that should domestic adoption not work out within a certain time frame we'll redo everything and head to international again. We're young, we'll have more children, Pax will have siblings, and it'll be easier if he's a tad bit older when the new baby comes home as every week he grows he becomes more laid back and amiable (he's going to be such an awesome big brother!).

I just... don't want to commit to the wrong path. I was so certain about Ethiopia and I'm certain about domestic (mostly) but there are so many avenues, so many agencies, so many referral services, so many independant options, and the second we hand $5.5K over to this agency as an initial installment... that's it. This is it. This is the avenue and while it will likely work and we'll likely have a new baby by Christmas and while everything will probably fall within our broader budget and we'll be happy and pleased and at peace....

I just wish I could be sure...

I think it's prayin' time ;-)