Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I'm so awful...

... But I wish I were more shelfish in prayer.

Something about prayer forces me to be so utterly, utterly honest and humble, and while I love that and hope to pass that on to my children, it's a little annoying at times.

Case in point?

We just found out we have a 1 in 4 chance of being chosen for a baby due very soon. We'll find out today or tomorrow. Our profile was rushed to be completed and we haven't been waiting nearly as long, and really there's a 3 in 4 chance we won't be chosen. But there's still a chance we could.

And I so want to pray for the stakes to move in our favor but I just CAN'T.

I tried sorta. Put my hands together with Paxton and said "Dear God" and then... the honesty started. The "please be with this woman" and "please be with all couples" and "please give us all strength to deal with whatever happens" and the "thank you for the hope you've provided" and the "please help this go whichever way it's meant to go as peacefully as possible."

See? No selfishness. But I wish I could be selfish, I wish I could ask for her to choose us, for some divine internetion to make the other profiles, iunno, soggy or smell funny or something. But I can't because it's not up to me, and I do believe it's already written and already destined and there's really nothing my prayers will do to stop her from choosing whichever family she picks, whether it be us or one of the other three wonderful, waiting, hoping families. And really... I can't get it out of my mind that this woman is due right before Mother's Day and is going to be parting with a loved child.... honestly how can I pray for myself and my family when her family is facing such heartache?

So, I wish I could be selfish. I also wish I prayed more. I think I'd be a better and more introspective person if I did.

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