Evenings are stressful sometimes. Not that I have anything to do (well, I have a LOT to do, but I ain't doing it right now am I?). And it's not that there's anything wrong really. It's just... this is our freetime. Our only real coupley freetime. And we'd better get on with enjoying it dammit! See? Pressure and stress. And guilt. Oh, do I feel guilty for looking at the internet while Nik plays a childhood fave video game. Not that he minds in the least, he's happy as a clam over there. But I feel like I should be doing something. Like cooking or cleaning or putting away the laundry in the dryer (crap, just remembered that!).
Same thing with the adoption I suppose. We're still planning for BB and every now and then it strikes me that there isn't a BB yet, nor a match, nor a tentative date, nothin'. I was hoping to have a bouncing, giggly, sitting up baby by Christmas and with many agencies/services that would be guaranteed. But it's not looking like it at all here. And that's fine, that's just fine, we still have so much to do with Paxton and really there is so little time when you think about it. He's ready to be a big brother but still ready to be the baby so that's cool too. We'll just... take it as it all comes, y'know?
But sometimes... I'm just sick of pumping. And sick of the basinet sitting in the nursery closet, and the unused Snappis and onesies, and the milk gathering in the fridge. It's all worth it, every heartrending second. I learned that the first time around and it stays with me every time that boy pushes me to the brink of insanity. All I have to do is recall that pain, that sorrow, that fear, that horrible place where I was before he was actually in my arms, when I didn't know if we'd ever hold our child... It makes us appreciate and adore him even more, which is good for him because he can really get on my nerves! He's SUCH a boy!
And that's how I'm looking at things when I look at it objectively, something I almost always do. I realize that more time means I'll have a bigger supply of breastmilk, the diapers will be more used and better prepped (they're used as inserts now in Pax's night diapers). I'll have more time to collect a cute wardrobe, more time to plan, more time to enjoy not dealing with diapers during the day, more time to sleep in on Saturdays, more time to relax just Nik and I, more time to sit there for an hour staring into Paxton's eyes and telling him stories, more time to cook in peace in the kitchen, more time between laundry loads even.
I'd still give up all that time just to find our next family member, but right now I'll enjoy it and love it and rest assured that BB is out there and is being watched over lovingly from above and here on earth and that what must happen will happen, as it always will, such that our family will grow as it's meant to.
But, y'know... if that could be tomorrow....
Lily in a loafing barn
5 months ago