Figure I should make a post anyway, though.
Pax has really turned a corner in fluid speech, sounds pretty great now and we have the funnest conversations. He's also mastered left and right, something I still have trouble with. Oddly enough, though, he cannot answer "why" questions yet and this makes me a little worried, though everything else seems fine.
No movement on the adoption front. We were shown and not chosen, totally fine with it this time though we're getting a bit anxious. I thoroughly felt we would be placed months ago from what everyone told us and had we signed on with this agency from the get go we might've been. I know it'll all happen the way it has to happen. I'm just sick of pumping 7+ times a day, including 4am, and not even being matched yet! We're getting to the point where we're going to have to get rid of some of the stored milk soon and it just makes it feel, iunno, worthless. It's hard to live your life around the feeding schedule of a pump and not a baby. I know a baby will be fussier and less compliant but at least I'll be feeding someone and not something. I made 15 oz yesterday, been making 14 all week, and I just wish I knew that it would actually make it to our baby. Trying to be patient, really I am, but we'd been in process half a year before we joined our agency which has a 3-9 month average time frame. I've been pumping since the beginning of the year. I'm tired. I get to sleep in Saturday but I had to wake up to pump and couldn't get back to sleep, even with a nice quiet house. I'm just tired and would like our baby now please.
Nik and I went on a date last night, ate at Hereghty (a pastry shop) and saw The Hangover at North Hills. Wow, movies are expensive! And you get like 20 minutes of straight commercials at the beginning. Seriously, once the commercials were over then we started in on several unrelated previews. It was insane! The movie was funny but I was so tired it was hard to keep my own energy going and laugh at the funny parts. Thus why I was happy to sleep in today.
Ugh! There's just so much pressure with sleep! And once I miss my chance to sleep in it won't come for another week, sometimes more, so there's sooooooo much pressure to get back to sleep. Then while I'm laying there getting adrenaline rushes because of all the pressure I start feeling awful because, OMG, I have free time! Me time! And here I am laying in bed just, well, laying there for what like an hour doing nothing? And I could be checking email or playing a game or reading a book, or even writing a book and I'm just laying there exhausted not able to sleep and I may as well give up already. I just want to cry. Sleep is so hard for me and always has been. I'm so unendingly jealous of those that can just lay there head on a pillow and fall asleep and don't need pills or routines or anything. Well, at least I got an extra hour. It brought me up to almost 8 hours of sleep that was only interupted once at 4am for half an hour. That's.... better?
I think the worst part, though, is knowing that because Nik had the morning out with Paxton he's going to come home tired and expect a nap himself, and instead of looking forward to 6pm when Nik gets home during the week, I'll be just praying and waiting for bedtime because that's when I get to finally get some freetime again, until tomorrow morning when I wake up with him.
I'm so tired :(
Lily in a loafing barn
5 weeks ago