Quickish update

You know you're a ditz when your baby is doing his "but why aren't you feeding me NOW?" cry and you tell him "now, Ambrose, I'm going to feed you at 9:15 and it's only 9:15 so you still have.... ohhhh, waaaaait..." I really should learn to listen to my baby :)

Just gotta make sure he's full up before we leave for soccer practice! Today will be P's second session in a 6 session thingiemabob. It was so fun to see him last time. The coach was very engaging so for the most part P listened and had a lot of fun. While it's always hard to see him standing out from the crowd (ie, 8 kids sitting in a circle listening and P running around screaming "never!" when the coach asks him to sit too) it was very fun to see him having fun and then actually joining in and participating. Hopefully socialization will help him. I think what we're realizing now, with the help of Project Enlightenment and materials they've loaned us, is that he's not as bad as he used to be, and not as bad as we thought. He'd probably improve considerably through constant socialization with groups. Right now he's typically great one-on-one (like, total angel great) and for the most part he's good with me. But he does not handle transitions well and he does not handle crowds well, and these are two things that preschool will help with. So, as much as I hate "giving up" on the homeschooling thing (at least for now) we're going to be touring preschools starting with choice #1 next Weds. I'm so nervous! But after seeing the difference between P at Sunday School (very disruptive with a non-engaging activity) and soccer practice (semi-disruptive with a very engaging activity) I think an engaging preschool might actually help to "cure" the problem. That an ongoing help from P.E. They're so nice! And they notice EVERYTHING and help by pointing out the little things we say/do with P and how we can modify them for best results. And not in a snooty way! I swear, they're real professionals, they actually know how to talk to parents. I didn't expect upon using their services that they'd be aiding the whole family dynamic but that's their specialty. The world needs more people like them. I already feel like a better and more effective mom to P!

Also, thanks to their advice, I'm much better rested and thus having more fun with both boys. I love enjoying my kids. Honestly sometimes I think our biggest problem with P is that we USED to have a ton of problems and now the second he starts acting moody at all, even if it's normal 4 year old moodiness, we instantly see issues and it's just sooooo overwhelming. I told Nik it's like years ago when I climbed the steps to Sacre Coeur in Paris. The top looked so beautiful and unlike my companions I didn't want to ride to the top, I wanted to walk it, I wanted that experience. And it sucked. You can't tell how many stairs are left and you get to a plateau, walk a bit, and find even more stairs waiting for you. Over and over again! I felt physically nauseauted about 2/3 of the way up and wanted to give up, but couldn't. Would I just go right back down? But I'd come so far!!! So I continued and eventually made it to the top, and really, I was kind of proud of myself even if it was rough.

That's what it's like raising a traumatised child. We're so, so close to the top, so close that at this point he's just like any other kid that isn't used to being in a group setting. We somehow made it far enough that he's no longer this totally angry being who responds with violence and terror. Only sometimes, when things really set him off, and even then we have a lot of warning (and should've seen the signs Sunday). Instead we now have a little boy with a bit further to go, just another flight or two of stairs. And I'll admit to exhaustion at the thought and even a touch of nausea when we think we're almost there and notice yet another flight of steps coming into view. But we're close. And we've come so, so, so far.

And I love him :) And he loves us. And that helps tremendously.

Now let's just pray he doesn't tackle anyone at soccer practice today... see last week he wanted to sit on the blue circle but another kid got their first and after using his words to get the kid off he decided to take the more direct approach and, well... let's just say mommy was embarassed but the other kid (and his mom) didn't care. We're going to have to work on that too...