On the good side, we have several days of joy. I really felt like Paxton and I connected again this weekend, in a way we haven't since Ambrose came home. I think the biggest thing that upsets me with Paxton is his mask. Not a real mask, of course, but the invisible one, the one that comes up when he's guarding himself. He becomes hyper and angry and defiant and just hard to control, and all the while there's a mask over his eyes and it's like HE isn't there, like you can't reach him, can't reach or even see into his heart. He's all guards and walls and dead, unfeeling eyes that look right past you or right through you, depending on the severity of his actions.
The mask came off again in the past few days, and there, underneath, was my darling beloved son whom I adore. We cuddled in bed, read books, played, and hugged and hugged and hugged. Nik took the baby a lot, on my asking, so that I could spend alone time with Paxton. And it was wonderful. I already miss it.
Especially since today... is not a good day.
See, Ambrose is getting pretty close to sleeping through the night. Paxton is sleeping a bit better (still up around 4 but now cuddling with Nik and going back to sleep until 5 or 5:3) and Ambrose has been up once or twice a night only.
But last night...
Ambrose was up at 12. For the day. Yeah, midnight. I was up and down with him. Guess his noises woke up Paxton, who left evidence of being up around 2am (kitchen light on). Then was up and down from that point onward, making noise and talking and waking us up. Had we not been so tired we would've tried Emergency Plan B (Plan A is cuddling) which is to just give him another Melatonin. Seriously, the boy needs to sleep later and if that's what we have to do to get through this, then that's what we have to do. So tonight the plan is: Up before 5am, he gets a melatonin. But last night/this morning the plan was not in effect really. And Ambrose was fussy and Paxton was angry and exhausted and kept coming in wanting to play, and Nik was exhausted and whining at him to go back to sleep and I was just trying to get my rest while feeding the eternally latched on Ambrose and OMG it was awful.
So fast forward a bit, past the horrendous shopping trip where I totally lost my head and ranted at Paxton about the fairness of life and such, way too loud, both in the store and in the parking lot, and got tons of stares because OMG I must be a horrible which to be flipping my poo at a small child... yeah, fast forward past all that. I locked him in his room. Yup, locked. In room. For over half an hour. Granted, it was half for his safety (after his behavior at the store and in the car I was seriously reconsidering that "no physical discipline" rule I set for myself) and half for the baby's since he was trying his damnedest to set me off (he does that on days like today) and he realized that he could threaten the baby's safety AND directly defy me for the umpteenth time in one solid move. I gave too many warnings, and then off to bed it was. I don't think he believed me at first. Then I locked his door, put the baby in his crib and let him cry for 10 minutes (the hardest part of this all), got the groceries in and put away, moved the laundry over, took my pills, set up lunch, made a fresh cup of instant coffee, and took the baby downstairs to browse the internet, nurse and stare dumbly at celebrity gossip until I just didn't feel angry anymore.
Have I mentioned that coffee is my Zoloft?
We had a very pleasant lunch, he got ready for nap just fine, we read a great book, had a very nice chat, and I tucked him in with a kiss and his nap blankie then took Mr. Finally In Deep Sleep downstairs in a pocket sling ($5 at a consignment sale, woohoo!) and did some work online. Well, okay, answered some emails.
P is asleep. A is asleep. I'm tired but have just had a cup of coffee so sleep will not cometh (and A needs this deep sleep so badly that I don't think I'll be taking him out of the pouch anytime soon). I'm... feeling calmer. P was still acting negatively at naptime but I didn't give into it and it calmed him. It's just a rough day. We've had too many of them recently, but we can get through this. We will get through this. And this past weekend is proof, proof that my sweet, darling boy is still in there, hidden deep inside a frightened and guarded heart. And proof that he's willing to come out every now and then. And proof that, really, we're getting better, he's adjusting to Ambrose, we can get our sleep schedules back on track and we can still appreciate both our children, equally, for who they are and what they bring into this world.
Also, preschool starts in like 2 weeks. WOOOHOOOOO!!!!!
Lily in a loafing barn
4 weeks ago