Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Somedays I dream of stopping...

... I look at the life we have now, two happy sons, a cozy home, long restful naps, deep sleep at night, small cars, one parent per child...

And I think, "Why don't we just stop here? Just scrap the adoption? Just settle down and be happy where we are?"

And for a moment a feeling of peace comes over me.

More attention for each son, more money, trips abroad, knowing we could put them both through college, having kids out of the house in our mid-40s.

And then....

I remember.

A tiny, limp body laying trusting in my arms.

Teensy toes protruding from a sleep sack.

Careful cleaning of the cord site.

Teensy diapers, small socks, a warm small body snuggled up tight in a sling.

And love. And love. And more love.

Watching Paxton hold a baby, watching the love completely take him over as he focuses his whole being on the new little person in his arms.

Watching Ambrose show me how to properly love on a baby with one of his dog toys, squishing it into his neck and crying out "baby baby!" as he patted its back.

And realizing that as convenient as it would be to just stop at two, to just enjoy a life with two wild and crazy boys... there's someone missing.

Someone we haven't met yet.

Someone we anticipate.

Someone we love.

And it could be days or weeks or months or years, or it honestly could never happen as much as we feel it will.

I don't know...

Some part of me still screams "too soon, too soon, your toddler is still just a baby himself!" But the other part says "just wait, the next one is coming and when it happens you won't regret it."

Breath in. Breath out.

Just have to be patient and trust that everything really will work out as it should, even if it doesn't always seem like it.

(now the big question is... if/when we have our 3rd, will we really be "done" then? I mean, we can fit 3 in a sedan, and a boy in one big room and a girl in the small nursery would be just flippin' perfect, so maybe....)

1 comment:

manymanymoons said...

I think your instincts are almost always right and it sounds like they are telling you that your family isn't complete yet. If a third is what you want then I definitely hope you get it.