Friday, March 11, 2011

Ugh! Dang twitchy uterus!!!!

So I'm having that same ole problem again, the "OMG I want to be pregnant!" problem. Maybe it's all the pregnant bellies on my friends, iunno, but it's there.

Thing is, I sort of have an internal debate going on:
Continue with adoption #3, or stop and go right to embryo adoption?

Right now the deal is that we're giving it until Ambrose's 2nd birthday in October to see if we end up adopting again. We're not signed with any particular agency and we're just sort of looking around, contacting people about situations, checking websites and forums, signed with a couple of referral services, etc. We know we don't feel done yet, but at the same time we'd rather just take it how it comes. And if it comes in the form of a baby born in Florida next week that's cool. Or if it comes in the form of a baby born next year via embryo adoption that's cool too.

It's all cool.

Except... I suck at waiting!

Just knowing that an expired homestudy means a shot at pregnancy for me almost wants to make it so already. Bring on the big tummy and birthing tubs!

And yet...

Oh, this is jumbled, so let me just break it down.

The reason we ended up with a domestic homestudy is this: When Ambrose was about 6 months old we decided that we didn't feel done and wanted to start the process for #3, BUT we were cool with it taking awhile. So we started up a third homestudy, went through the visits, did all the paperwork and references and crim checks and such, and then... the country we were going to adopt from changed it's regulations. So we took a small break then resumed the home study while working toward adopting from another country. Got things all figured out for that and then... agency informs us it looks like the country might be shutting down for adoptions. SO, we had a choice... scrap the homestudy completely, lose the money and start all over again a year later, find a third country that matched our criteria, or just change it to a domestic homestudy and try to adopt again from the US. After finding no other country that seemed like a good fit for us, we chose the third option, figuring we may as well be HS ready, "just in case" something came along.

So that's kind of where we are now.

But then the idea of embryo adoption came up. I mean, I do still hope to experience a pregnancy someday and I'm seriously doubting (as you saw in my last post) whether or not we want a really big family anymore. So if I am going to get pregnant, it should probably be with this baby or the next.

The reason we haven't switched directly over to embryo adoption is this: I'm nursing Ambrose.

He's 17 months and I hope to go until he's 2. Other than spotting, PMS symptoms, cramps and twitches, I haven't had a period in 2 years, so a natural cycle is right out. That would leave me with a drug controlled cycle, meaning I'd be taking Lupron and estrogen and progesterone and all that jazz while nursing my little guy AND being on a non-FDA approved drug to do so.

So, um...... That's really why we're putting off the possibility of embryo adoption until he's at least 2.

But, see, now there's another factor. I'm pumping for #3. And I HATE IT! WITH A PASSION!

I've always hated pumping! Hate, hate, hate it! Inconvenient, messy, painful, nerve wracking, time consuming, and just plain evil!

But it's because of pumping for nearly 7 months of my life that I'm now enjoying such a beautiful and wonderful nursing relationship with my sweet baby boy. And if I'm even half as lucky in the nursing department with the next one then, wow, that's pretty dang lucky y'know?

So, see, here's my big dilemma lately: I hate pumping. And I could just stop it, just quit pumping, and go ahead and try an embryo adoption. But that could fail and then I'll have wasted our time/money on it AND would have probably weaned Ambrose when neither of us wanted to AND I'd be giving up the opportunity to nurse another baby through adoption, or outright give up the possibility of adopting.

Or I could keep pumping with dwindling, dismal results that hurt my self confidence, waiting seemingly endlessly never knowing if I'll have a baby by the end of the week or if it might not happen at all, and not able to ignore the possibility because I do have to actively look for adoption situations. And again, this could waste time and money.

I guess it all comes down to what *feels* right, but then... either of these scenarios (domestic adoption or embryo adoption) could lead to our next child. We could get a call in a few months and have a baby home soon thereafter, and the thoughts of embryo adoption could completely wash away from my mind. Or we could try embryo adoption and it could be a success and we could end up with everything I originally wanted, the midwife and doula and waterbirth and pregnancy yoga and all that. And we really don't know, and this isn't really the sort of thing where you get to just sit back and see what happens because both of these scenarios are the sorts of things you have to *make* happen.

So on the one hand I do have to sit back and wait...

On the other hand, I have to watch my body for signs and study up on FET and all the possible drugs, and I have to check out adoption situations and stay in contact with referral services and research various situations that pop up at random times.

And I guess it's just... frustrating. Because it really felt like we had this wonderful, clear path and now I'm seeing (thanks to my twitchy, twitchy uterus) that maybe we should just go another route, one with a whole host of new possible complications and tragedies.

And I am so, so, so lost and confused and I have no idea who to ask about this or who to talk to about this, not because people don't have an opinion but because EVERYONE has an opinion and even though they all differ I somehow still don't like any of them.

So I guess that leaves just me and Nik, and Nik's cool with whatever (no, seriously, he really is). So then I guess it's just me, sitting here by myself, trying to sort through my thoughts and look for a sign as to what to do now.

And in the meantime... I'll just stick with our plan. Because the possibility of a baby coming to us by adoption is very, very real. And if it doesn't happen then, well, we'll be sad... and then we move on to trying embryo adoption at a point when I don't mind weaning the little bean.

(Also in the meantime I'll continue to doubt whether or not I should continue renting this hospital grade pump when I'm not actually increasing in supply and in fact seem to be making less....)

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