Thursday, May 12, 2011

Adoption #3 and our Pro/Con Lists

I know, I know, it's pretty obvious by now that Adoption #3 is called off. As I've written previously, it's now in to "oops adoption" territory, meaning that we're still open to it if the perfect situation comes along but otherwise we're not really going to pursue it. I'm still looking at adoption situations and we're still signed with a couple of referral services, but we're mostly just letting the situations come in and go out, seeing if they feel absolutely right and not pursuing them otherwise.

Nik and I have been talking a lot, like a lot a lot, about our family building. I've actually gotten quite naggy with him and outright demanded more participation and input. I don't like being the one who makes all the big decisions and does all the research and just has to sell it to him. Yeah, I get that some marriages can work like that, but I don't want my marriage to work like that. And Nik agrees, so now he's doing his own research and starting to actually bring something to the table (fact wise, he's always been fine sharing opinions!).

Right now we're talking about two things: 1) how heavily should we pursue child #3 and 2) should we just stop now?

#2 has been hard to discuss, like really insanely hard, but we are actually discussing it now instead of outright saying "OMG noooooo!!!!"

And thus, in an effort to clear out my own mind, I present the pro/con list when it comes to our various decisions.

Continuing on with Adoption #3:
Pros- We have a lot of time, money and energy already invested
I could go right from nursing Ambrose to nursing the next one
There are still many babies out there in need of homes
We could really find the absolute perfect situation, for both us and the child's first family
Cons- Starting to really want Ambrose to grow up a bit more before a new baby comes home
Thinking I want a break from nursing sometime soon and want to be off domperidone
Costs are rising and we don't like the ethical dilemmas this brings in ($10K in BM expenses sounds really coercive)
Travel, at an indeterminate time, for an indeterminate length of time, with small children
Social workers in our home, again, and another set of various legal documents
A third first family relationship to navigate

Pursuing Natural Fertility Treatments:
Pros- We'd probably get healthier in the process, if nothing else
Goes along with our lifestyle and what we're comfortable with
Not as much monitoring, tests, expensive drugs
Lower cost
On our own terms, where we feel in control
We have probably another decade of potential fertility for this to work
Cons-Less of a guarantee
Could be a huge waste of time, money and energy
Without monitoring, might mess up our hormones and bodies

Stopping at 2 kids:
Pros-We have two healthy, happy, well adjusted boys and another child might "tempt fate"
Our sons have a wonderful, rich brotherly relationship and truly love each other
We have one adult per child
In another year or so, we might be done with diapers, baby gates, choking hazards, etc
They're both sleeping through the night
They're getting to a point where we might be able to start traveling and doing more things
We're getting more dates and free time now, without a small baby
It's easier for others to babysit only two children at once
Would be able to afford more per child, and more for our household, with only 2 kids
Cons-Even if we stop now, we could very well change our minds later on
We're more likely to regret not having another child than having another child
We've always wanted a larger family
It still feels like someone's missing
I still want to experience pregnancy and birth
As bad as it sounds, I'd like at least the possibility of someday having a daughter
No more baby fingers or baby slings or tiny cloth diapers or little baby coos or first words...

So this came off a lot more jauntily than planned. In short, we've decided to try more natural fertility treatments to try and conceive #3. In some ways that allows us to leave #3 up to fate, you know? Though ask us again in a year when we're going in for an IUI :-)

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