And so it, really, begins

So I ovulated last week. Which was awesome, really awesome! And of course we then get the test results saying that Nik is still very much infertile (not sterile mind you, but the numbers are very much not in our favor!). And then confirmation that he does, indeed, have a varicocele. And then on Monday I got my period. For the first time in 2.5 years.

Oh, and I'm going to my first infertility support group meeting tomorrow. It's through the local mom's group I've been a part of for a few years now and only a couple people are going, but I'm still excited about it.

But at the same time...

This is real, right?

I mean, really, really real.

We're officially infertile and we're also officially no longer sterile (essentially what I was for the past 2.5 years). So we're now in those murky waters of "could conceive but not likely."

So this is really starting, isn't it? This trip through infertility madness. Charting and temping and looking for signs, acupuncture and herbs and consults, hoping and worrying and little jabs to the gut each month when it doesn't work....

Why are we doing this again?

Oh. Yeah. Baby.

Now that it's really real again, with test results in hand and yucky bathroom breaks, it's starting to hit me.

We're actually doing this. Actually going for it.

And suddenly I'm not so excited.

Oh, I'm excited about the possible end result, the happy new little person.

But all the waiting and stressing and worrying over every twinge and blowing money and time on things that likely won't work, at least not yet....

I don't know, I guess the big thing is that I'm worried about the emotional affect infertility will have on us.

Which is silly, right? I mean, we couldn't even ask to start out in a better place here!

We're young, we're not sterile, we're generally healthy, we have insurance and money in the bank, we have supportive family, we have several clinics and doctors and support groups in our area, we have a strong relationship, and to top it off we already have two perfect little boys who truly do light up our lives.

How many people taking on infertility could wish to be in our position? I mean, seriously, do we even have a right to complain?

But complain I shall. Because really? Infertility sucks.

Mind you, I am glad for it in a sense. I mean, had we been able to conceive easily we would not have our sons, and they are truly worth all of the heartache.

Even so, it's not exactly a fun ailment.

It takes away your choices, you control, over your own life. Want another kid? Well, it might take you 6 years and all your life savings. Want a large family? You'll be lucky if you have one, let alone two or three. Want to be all natural and leave everything up to fate? Well, you're screwed if you want kids then!

And then there's living with infertility. The awkwardness of other moms going into their birth stories of complaining about pregnancy symptoms, the heart ache of seeing big bellies every where, that yearning to be able to go into a maternity store or take a prenatal yoga class. Yeah, I know, it can suck the other way around. People get pregnant all the time without planning for it and struggle to support their child, and I'm sure that's frustrating and heartbreaking in it's own right. And I can't even imagine going through that only to lose a child to adoption.

Even so, this is the heartache I know, the one so many know, and it's hard because it is somewhat shoved in your face every day, especially once you already have kids. Pregnant bellies on the playground, questions about having another one, teensy new babies with siblings close in age. *Siiiiigh* don't even get me started on those dreamy new little babies....

Anyway, to summarize: We're doing this. The TTC while infertile thing. And it sucks, because we'd rather just do the regular old TTC while fertile thing. But at least we aren't coming from a bad place, at least we already have kids and from the start we know that failure is an option we can live with and success is probably likely given our resources. Even so, it sucks to be infertile and yeah, we'd so rather just be able to do it all the natural way.

Oh, and I'm so not joking about going overseas for fertility treatments. I mean, seriously, $15K for and IVF around here? When I could spend half that and treat the family to a month in Barbados or Thailand or India? I mean, even if you fail you still got the vacation of a lifetime! And I'm a bit too "outside the box" to just submit to a local doc saying "yes, you need IVF stat! Give us all your money and change your life to fit our program!" Um, no, not for me. We've lost enough control over our family building already, thank you very much, and we'd at least like the chance to reclaim it. On that note, I think I'll start shopping around for the perfect acupuncturist...