Hooray!!! Oh, wait... boooo!... ?

So, just as my best friend told me last night, I have indeed been PMSing. Maybe that explains all my somewhat unexplained sadness these past few days.... or not. I guess we'll see in a few days, neh?

So according to number of days, I should have started a cycle last week. According to my basal body temperature, I should be starting a cycle next Monday. Looks like I ovulated last Monday, and today begins cycle #3. Meaning I have a luteal phase of 10 days, up from a luteal phase of 6 days last cycle.

A quick Google search shows me that short luteal phases and breast feeding go hand in hand, and that I my LP will likely increase in days. I can help it by taking B6, Vitex, or a B50 compound. I'm already on Vitex which is probably what helped push my LP by 4 days instead of 1 or 2, and I'll add a B50 compound next time I run to a store. Or maybe just buy the dang Fertilaid. Whatevs.

On the one hand...

Hooray! My cycle started!

I mean, seriously, this helps put a cap on it. All last week my temps were high, I was feeling a bit ill, and I was wondering if my temp spike was a pregnancy instead of ovulation, meaning that I was testing more than a couple times and worrying about it a lot. I don't have to worry about that now, and I can sample the nice sweet muscadine wine my mother wants to give me.

On top of that, I have another shot at doing more in the beginning of the cycle (like eating more yams and being better with my vitamins), hopefully my temps will even out this time as my body is now becoming more adjusted to cycling again, and maybe this cycle will actually have an LP long enough to sustain a pregnancy (12+ days is preferred).

On the other hand:

Boo!

I mean, a 10 day luteal phase makes it hard to become pregnant, especially if egg and sperm just hung out awhile. Not saying they even met this time, but it's possible. But I also know that a 10 day luteal phase is within the "can possibly work" area when it comes to pregnancy. It's a long shot, but it's possible and it didn't work.

Also I blew like 4 pregnancy tests last week. That's a lot of pee to have to deal with.

Oh, and now I get to have my period for a week, and I get to start cycling all over again from scratch, and I know I'll just be worrying again in another few weeks....

Oh, and I'm not pregnant.

And I know there's a possibility that I could be PMSing and seeing red every month for the next several months, or years, or even decades. I know there's a possibility that this could be my existence, that I might never become pregnant.

The first sign of red is always a blessing and a curse.

The beginning of a something new, something fresh, the body ready to give its all. The organs in working order, the old and failed flushing away. A week to not worry about cervical mucus or timed intercourse or tenderness or possible signs. A time to relax and refresh and prepare for the month ahead.

But also, a time of loss, of failure. A month containing so much hope and care and preparation, all gone, washed away in blood. Weeks more before you can try again, more vitamins, more planning, more care, and indefinite similar months stretched out before it.

I'm so lucky, so so lucky. I have two sweet boys to take the edge off, to hug and cuddle and love on. This is why I knew we had to adopt when we did. I could not even fathom going through this, month after month after month, with no child in my home. And I'm so glad we made the choices we did, even if it means that we've missed some window and might never get the chance to conceive or birth.

Ugh, my head is getting all philosophical and, well, think-y. And we're out of chocolate. And the chickens are out in the yard today meaning I can't run to the store and get chocolate. Dag nabbit :-(