Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Invisible Path

When it came to becoming parents, our journey took a few turns.

Get married, stop BCP, start actively TTC!
Discover infertility.
Change course.
Go to foster care/state adoption meeting, speak with professionals.
Turned down due to young age.
Change course.
Look into fertility treatments, more tests.
Just doesn't "feel right."
Change course.
VietNam feels right. Close my eyes and see Viet Namese daughter.
Just doesn't "feel like the right time."
Change course.
Maybe Kazakhstan?
Costs too high, worried over unethical agencies.
Change course.
Decide on Ethiopia, two kids age 0-4.
Begin prep, work on two free bedrooms, start homestudy, submit USCIS.
Social worker is not so good, only approved for one child 0-2.
Change course.
Signed and waiting.
Wait times increasing.
Equally ethical agency with lower wait times.
Change course, apply to new agency.
Old agency suddenly has lower wait times again.
Change course, return to old agency.
Put on hold due to age, again.
New rules might put us on hold another year.
Off hold, expect referral immediately.
A month and a half later finally get the call.
Court closure due to rainy season.
Bam, made it to the top of the list as soon as they're back in session, adoption flies by, home before we know it.

A's adoption was simpler really:

Research Colombia, start to apply.
Country requirements change.
Change course.
Research Ethiopia again.
Wait times drastically increased, trouble brewing with corruption.
Change course.
Change all paperwork to domestic, apply to referral service.
Situations seem perfect!
Service doesn't respond to tell us when we're not chosen, causes emotional havoc.
Change course.
Apply with new agency.
Apply for several situations, all of which we fall in love with.
Finally picked, not for baby born like expecting.
Wait a month, placed, finalized 8 months later.

So as you can see, our journeys so far involved quite a few "oh, I know what we'll do!" and "oh, I guess that won't work then..."

Many tears were shed, many heart wrenching decisions were had, many plans were announced happily and then taken back only a month later, etc.

And despite it all, we started this journey again, a journey to our third.

And that journey so far?
Adoption from Ethiopia!
Change Course.
Adoption from the Congo!
Change Course.
Adoption Domestically!
Change Course.
Scratch all that and try to conceive naturally with possible plans to try treatments!

And the thing is.... As much money as we've lost, as much hope as we've invested...

We might still be on the wrong track.

The paths that lead to our sons... they were hidden from us. Invisible.

We didn't know when we were calling agencies that work with Viet Nam about adopting a baby daughter that we'd end up with a toddler son from Ethiopia.

We didn't know when we were researching the plight of the Afro-Colombian people and tracking plane ticket costs that we'd end up adopting a baby boy from only two hours drive away.

And this time?

Months ago I was checking out adoption situations daily. Months before that I was filling out paperwork for the DRC. And right now every morning I'm charting my basal body temperature to find my fertile time.

And now I read that there's a possibility that Viet Nam might open for adoptions again perhaps next year, and part of me feels pulled again, back to where we were years ago, back to the land N was touched by when he visited, back to a cute little girl with thick black hair and, most likely, a cleft lip (that's how I see her in my mind's eye) and I wonder... what if that dream I had years ago that didn't feel right "at this time" might have just been a premonition for years later? What if it had to go on hold as we adopted her two big brothers? What if our TTC journey goes no where and we find ourselves in the position to adopt a year from now and, voila, Viet Nam opens its doors to international adoption to the US again?

And the crazy thing is... we don't know.

We don't know if Viet Nam will reopen. We don't know if I'll get pregnant. We don't know if the "right" domestic adoption situation will come along. We don't know if we may even decide we're done at 2.

We don't even have a hint at how this will all work out.


That's awesome.

Really, it is.

Because how boring would life be if we were able to plan it all?

I mean, seriously, 10 years from now we might be in the same house, a few school aged children, me working my first "real" job, living a normal suburban American dream and loving it.

Or we might be running an orphanage in Zimbabwe.

We don't know. We'll never know until the path opens up and we decide to take it.

And it's the same with building a family. We have no idea, really, how this will happen.

Will we stop at 2 kids? 3? 12? Will they all be within 10 years over each other, or will they be spread out? Will we decide we're done then adopt again in our early 40's? What if we adopt two girls over the next 5 years, call our family "totally complete" and end up pregnant with triplets by surprise?

Before kids, heck before A, I didn't like all the surprise, the topsy-turvy journey.


Well, I'm more realizing that we're just along for the ride than in control. And with my guys by my side making life so happy and hilarious, it's not like I can get too bogged down in all the upsets and changed courses.

And honestly... I don't think I'm quite ready to be at the end of this journey yet.

It took just as long as it needed to for us to adopt our boys, even though it felt like decades. This time I'm a bit more chill about it, a bit more philosophical. It really will happen when it's meant to happen.

And I know a lot of my emotions surrounding that truth have to do with the fact that I just came out of the moody PMS cloud and life is hunky dory again. But really, isn't it better to have a positive attitude about all of this?

Okay, big kid up and wanting company, and little kid will need some mom cuddles soon. Off to continue enjoying the journey.

**Remember, the journey IS the destination!!!**

1 comment:

Sarah said...

That is quite a journey! You have a great attitude.