Monday, September 26, 2011

back and forth and baaaack and fooooorth...

So this whole #3 thing is, well, complicated.

First we updated our paperwork for Ethiopia. Didn't go anywhere. Then the Congo. Didn't go anywhere. Then domestic and we're pretty much done with that arena. Even the situations I'm seeing that we could afford would involve $15K+ unrefundable due right away. We COULD update our paperwork and sign with an agency, but... well, that's just not appealing to us right now.

We're going to a foster parent informational session tomorrow evening, just to get a feel for that arena. I've had a few friends recently have success through them. But we're nervous, about a lot. What if we have a child and lose him/her? What will that do to us and the children? What if it ends up being a multi year guessing game of whether or not we get to keep the child placed with us? Or what if it ends up like friends of ours, who waited until their were healthy children/infants either available for adoption or headed down that route? What if we just keep saying no until the right one comes along? Even then, the process to become licensed doesn't exactly look appealing... Especially the Fire Marshall telling us what to do in our house. And the 10 week, 3 hour course on what you'll deal with. And keeping yourself updated classes. And all the stress of having a caseworker and/or social workers and/or therapists involved in your life for a minimum of 6 months... But it could be worth it... worth at least going to the informational at least, right?

I think the idea of having our life (and our family and our home) be our own, under no one else's care, is what's most appealing about giving up on adoption. No more homestudies! No more references! No more questioning of our beliefs/backgrounds/finances/relationship! Just the belief that we can life our lives as a normal family, answering to no one but ourselves and those who love us and support us, just like just about every other family.

And of course, that's what makes birthing a baby seem like a better option.

Embryo adoption? Possible, but not so much through the local fertility clinics (2+ year wait).

Donor gametes? Again, possible, but we'd have to figure out exactly what the "issue" is and if it could be fixed by this and nothing else. And I'm not exactly jumping at this option, seeing it as a last option. I don't know, but when it comes to our family it really feels like our kids should be all or nothing biologically. But that could be something I get over...

IUI? A possibility, one I'm not so against.

IVF? ... if it comes to this, and insurance won't cover it, I'm totally going to India/Thailand/Barbados/wherever! Even if we spend the same amount and it doesn't work, then we'd still have had the vacation of a lifetime. Of course, easy to say when it hasn't come down to that...

Natural fertility remedies? Yeah, looking into those, still trying to wrap my head around it all. Perhaps someday soon I'll try a fertility acupuncture...

And I'm sure there are other things I've missed.

So, to make a super long story short, there are a lot of questions about where exactly #3 will come from. A toddler from foster care? A baby we conceive naturally? Embryo adoption? Will we travel out of the country for fertility treatments? Will we travel out of the country for another child? So many questions...

And yet there's always that one nagging question still lingering, still jumping around in my head...

What if we're done?

What if this is it?

What if our family is perfect, just the way it is?

We have two boys, two perfect sons, with two radiant personalities. They're so different in some ways and yet they are best friends. They are both healthy, both intelligent, both loved and adored, both well adjusted and attached, and both thriving.

We have a full life. We have a home to keep, jobs to fulfill, and two different school schedules to mind. My day is full of making lunches and keeping sleep schedules and reading books and playing on the floor and kissing booboos and giving big, long hugs. We go on road trips with both boys, now very portable, singing in the backseat joyfully and laughing together.

We are enjoying our life and honestly? Many days I really don't feel like someone is missing.

And yet...

It's such a conundrum.

I cannot declare us "done" right now, not knowing full well that we could care for another and that we'd love and adore a third. And truthfully who's to say I won't ache deeply for that invisible third in the coming months or years as our "baby" truly becomes a regular kid?

It's almost nerve wracking... We're so happy where we are, and so afraid to lose it and yet drawn toward expanding our family, drawn toward "risking" our life together in hopes of adding another. Who's to say our pursuit would even prove fruitful? Who's to say it wouldn't be a huge mistake? Who's to say we won't end up with a stillbirth or failed adoption? But then again, who's to say our 3rd child won't be every bit as wonderful and miraculous as his/her older brothers, just as loved, just as adored, just as cute and smart and friendly? Just like with our first two (can we handle a child? Can we handle a second?) who's to say that questioning isn't all a moot point because, really, it will happen if and when it's meant to (though I hate to be told that...).


Well, back to daily life and random, still moments of pondering. Oh, for those of you who are fertility minded and know what this means: I'm 10dpo, and my luteal phase has been very short so maybe AF will show soon, but if not then yay! But unlikely, right? :-P


manymanymoons said...

I love how even though you are so overwhelmed with the options/decisions, you are able to so clearly vocalize the different paths. I think that's so important. Our problem sometimes is that even though some options just don't seem right for us, it's so hard to put into works why that is (even to each other). Donor eggs for instance. I just don't feel like i'm there yet (and maybe never will be), but I can't exactly tell you why. All of the reasons I come up with sound kind of trite or something ya know.

I can't wait to look at your family five or ten years from now and go, "Oh yeah, that's how it was supposed to be".

Sarah said...

Like the previous commenter said... it is great that you are able to vocalize your options so well. Hopefully, if you continue to reiterate them, the best choice for your family will become clear. Peace be with you!