Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Not feeling it...

So I have those two pregnancy tests. But both of those have had *reports* of false positives in the past.

Generally a false positive is a label given to an early miscarriage/chemical pregnancy or misreading a test. And they're extremely rare, so the likelihood of me getting two of them...

Even so, I think tomorrow I'll be going out to purchase a couple more types with no reports of false positives.

In the meantime...

My symptoms are pretty mild and sporadic.

I'll get a sudden urge to pass out asleep, or a sudden feeling of dizziness, or suddenly a smell is way too strong, or a taste too extreme, or suddenly I'm feeling nauseus. My lips have started to chap like crazy and my mouth is really dry. I'm thirsty a lot and peeing a lot. And I'm feeling little twinges and pangs all throughout the day.

But even with all this, I don't believe it.

I really don't.

And I know on a conscious level that that's ridiculous.

I'm not some teenager who doesn't know how bodies work, let alone birth control. I'm not a woman expecting menopause and finding a different result. I'm not sterile, and neither is my husband. Heck, I'm someone who has not only researched this but actively and desperately pursued it and still greatly wished for it!

So why do I feel like crying out, "This can't be real! These symptoms mean nothing! The tests are wrong! This can't be happening!!!"

Is it the shock? Is it a normal unplanned-pregnancy denial? Is it that I had in some ways recently fully come to terms with our infertility and accepted that this outcome would never happen?

Thing is, I'm an imaginative person. I have very lucid dreams and have always loved daydreaming. And this is a scenario I've pictured a million times before. So I guess... it feels like I'm dreaming. It feels like I'm making this up, like it's all in my head and there's something wrong with me mentally. If I believe that I'm pregnant then I'm insane because that's just me giving into my fantasies.

But... the tests say I am...

To make it worse, there's the doctor thing.

My normal doctor is a general practice/family doctor. She's wonderful! And we've been in contact online. But she's not an OB/GYN and her office won't schedule and appointment for me since I should be doing that with an OB/GYN. So no blood test or ultrasound there....

I did a bit of research, which is hard when you don't want to tell all of your friends who would be GREAT resources. There's a birth center about 45 minutes from here which I've always dreamed about giving birth at. So many of my friends have and they loved it. They also do regular OB/GYN and prenatal care. I called to schedule an appointment and they told me I had to do a tour first... So we're going next Thursday. After this I can schedule a prenatal appointment and THEN they can add me to their roster of patients... but they can only take in 35 women per due date month. They calculated that I was 3 weeks along, with EDD at Nov 6. Two receptionists came up with that. Um, I could not have gotten two positive tests last week if I was only 3 weeks along. I would have still been ovulating then... My own calculations put me at 5+ weeks, with a due date in late October. So their calculations would be more likely to get me into their roster of patients since many November mama's wouldn't know yet that they were expecting, but it would also push my first prenatal appointment back by two weeks, and they'd likely discover how much further along I was then anyway. So I'll change my EDD when I see them next week, if I can, and hopefully get in a bit sooner.

But they would still want me to wait until 10 weeks. Which is like the first week of April. Not only will I be in Disneyworld then, but seriously? Going through the whole month of March without meeting with a doctor?

Thing is, I think I'd be fine with that if I could just see a doctor now and just *confirm* that this is actually happening! I just want someone in charge, someone in the medical field, to do something, take blood or hook me to a machine or listen to my belly or *something* and then to have them, the professional, say that this is indeed happening. I think I'll believe it then.

So... how weird would it be to go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow morning? Just for a blood test?

I'm so tempted.

In the meantime, I think I'll make a list of the stores I'll hit for tests. I need to know dangit!

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