Monday, February 27, 2012

Valentine's Day...

If I'm right, if I have the timing correct, then in the very early, still dark hours of Valentine's Day an embryo implanted inside of me.

We were not expecting this. Not at all.

We JUST finished up the MAPP class a week ago, on Monday the 20th of February, and we have a homevisit set up for 2 weeks from tomorrow. We were hoping to do emergency care (short term) and respite care, while awaiting a child or sibling group available for adoption that might fit our family.

I had a plan, a broad and overarching plan with lots of wiggle room.

But we did not foresee this.

Last Friday morning, on the 24th of February, I woke up at 2:45 am and rushed to the bathroom. I had gone to sleep feeling too full and somewhat off, so I wasn't so surprised when I ended up becoming sick. Six times. In a row. And then passing out.

I woke Nik once I was conscious and asked him to help me. He got me some water and helped me back to bed, tucking me in. He got up with our pair or early risers and kept them quiet for me.

At 7:20 I finally pulled myself from bed, head swimming and tummy turning. I recalled the sharp pains a week and a half earlier, and the early and very short/light period that followed it. So many possible symptoms... And yet I've had them all before. I'm prone to cervical polyps which can burst and bleed, and I'm sensitive to hormones leading to extreme nausea typically for at least one day a month. I keep a couple pregnancy tests laying around in the cabinet upstairs. It's my "peace of mind" test. I've probably taken at least 30 over the past several years, sometimes while actively trying to conceive and other times when I simply had potential symptoms and wanted to clear my head of the possibility. I mean, it's a very easy to use and accessible test, and if I'm feeling ill it only takes a few minutes to knock that possibility out of my head.

I got it open and took my test, holding the stick in my hand as I continued to empty. As soon as the urine hit it, both lines showed up. Strong. In fact, the test line was darker than the control. I was still peeing when I learned I was pregnant.

And I thought I must be insane.

I showed it to Nik a few moments later and we just sort of stared, before rushing around to get P ready for school while I flopped down to rest my dizzy head. I did not feel well...

Later in the day I made it out to Walgreens. I had tested in the morning with a First Response red ink test but I couldn't recall exactly how old those tests were. Probably purchased within 6 months, but who knows? I picked up a different type, the EPT digitals. I tested again, with urine that was mostly water at that point since I hadn't been able to keep anything solid in me.

It said to read in 3 minutes. The result, "Pregnant," popped up about 30 seconds later as I was washing my hands.

My mother was over then and I showed her the tests, telling her I expected her to keep this secret. I should've recorded her expression :)

I emailed my best friend, and since I'd met up with another friend that morning for a playdate she knew (I was rather ill still so I didn't have much of a choice if I didn't want to be quarantined!). And being the dope that I am I asked for advice on a forum online not even thinking about all the people I know from that forum. So there are people who know, and people who don't.

And for the time being... Well, part of me wants to tell since I love to chat about anything.

And part of me is petrified.

I'm expecting blood every time I go to the bathroom.

I keep thinking this can't be happening. Oh, we've wanted it to happen, but someone must be playing a trick on us!

It just doesn't feel... real.

I'm so worried that we'll fall in love with the little bean and lose it. And if we'd been told this would never happen, what are the odds this could ever happen again? Is this my only shot at pregnancy, or just proof that things aren't as bad as we were told? Should I be celebrating now, regardless of what comes in the future? Should I be guarded just in case? What if I guard my heart now then lose this child and regret not loving as much as I could at that moment?

It just... doesn't seem real.

And I'm scared.

And I wish that we were in a place where we could just sit back and gather our thoughts and prepare secretly, but instead we have to focus on the fact that all of our support system is gung ho about the foster care thing, which is wonderful, and we're going to have to either tell them all early or have them wonder why things are going on hold, if they're going on hold, etc.

So yeah.

Lots of reworking where we are and where we're headed, lots of plans that may or may not pan out and other plans we need to make pretty soon, and lots and lots and lots of worries.

I'm so worried that this will end...

Because as much as I'm guarding myself... I'm in love already. There is a heart beating within me already, a heart that isn't mine. My body is guarding a tiny life as he or she forms, providing 100% for this little person.

The start of a person's existence is happening with me as I type this.

And the fact is I am honored by this.

And so, so, so scared that it will end...

So I'll be going silent for awhile in some areas, keeping quiet about this, until things resolve a bit. If it ends... I won't try to hide it, but I will likely want some space before I'll want support. But hopefully, hopefully, all will go well and later this year, right around Halloween, smack dab between my boys' birthdays, another little babe will be joining our family.

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