Saturday, April 14, 2012

11 weeks, 6 days

And sooooooo tired!

Stopped feeling the morning sickness early this week, which was nice, but the exhaustion is still here. I think I may be anemic again :-P About to look up some iron boosts I can add, might go grab some walnuts.

So far so good. Made it through our trip to Disney just fine, though had to take frequent rests. I did see blood one day, April Fool's Day (that wasn't lost on me) but it was a very small amount not accompanied by anything else and I haven't seen any since.

When I have a full bladder I can actually feel a hardness in my lower abdomen, under all the extra squish (mmmmm, girlscout cookies!).

Oh, and I'm meeting with a nutritionist next week, and watching my diet. So no more girlscout cookies :( They're worried I may develop gestational diabetes, given my blood results (blood sugar showed fluctuations), my family history, and my own history with food/exercise. So I'm eating better/fresher and skipping sweets, though not fruit cuz fruit's soooo yummy :)

I've told just about everyone at A's preschool now, mostly because I was so sick I was afraid they'd think I had the flu or something and ask me not to come in with A. A few of my friends know and a couple people at church too. I'm almost to the point of just announcing it outright.

Buuuuut... and here's the kicker....

I didn't do a huge announcement on the boys' adoptions until the end of our journeys, when we had been matched and were mere weeks from having them in our arms. People were excited for us, but not in the way people get excited about announcing a pregnancy. My parents, who adore my children, are just *dying* to tell everyone.... but this seems so different than when we were adopting and it was an exciting period but more of a matter-of-fact, might work out might not kind of thing. People we've told are just thrilled, squealing with excitement. And the thing is, many of the people I'm telling now in person are people who found out about our adoptions either through a big announcement to all, through the grapevine, or just seeing it on Facebook or something. So I can't really compare...

I guess I'm just really, really worried that people will see this baby as "more than" our boys. More wanted, more loved, more valuable. The dream come true after two adoptions. And more than anything I'm worried that my boys will see it that way...

It's so complicated!

For me this is a whole new journey, one I'd been convinced I'd never get to take. I'm excited in a different way because I'm excited about the changes in my body and feeling a new life growing in me, but when it comes to the child I'm equally as excited as I was when it came to our boys. Guarded, anxious, nervous, in love, worried, daydreaming, hopeful, etc. And I know that for many people this pregnancy isn't about me "finally" have that birth child we'd set out to have, but me going through a journey that so many women have gone through, and can relate to.

I have some very complicated thoughts on all of this, and how I'll need to present it to the boys not just when we tell them but in the years to come. I don't want them to ever doubt our love for them. Likewise, I don't want to treat this baby poorly in an attempt to prove that s/he's no more important than our sons. I guess I'll just have to take the cues from our boys, especially P, whenever we do tell them.

On that note, Tuesday after next I'll be 13 weeks, 2 days (fingers crossed!) and going in for my next prenatal appt. Perhaps I'll finally hear the babe's heartbeat.... One can hope!

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