Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Expecting Failure...

Total TMI zone here.  Consider yourself warned!




I'm crampy.

I'm crampy and I'm emotional and I'm leaking weird stuff all the time.

And you know what? 

It feels like I'm getting my period. 

I am now 15 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  I have been expecting heavy bleeding for the past 10+ weeks.  I rushed to the bathroom every hour (or less) at first, both because, well, I have to pee a lot but also because I was so, so certain I was bleeding.

Now I'm a lot slower.  I feel cramps.  I feel aches.  I hurt.  I have to pee but I'm actually believing in this now, actually loving this child, actually really truly hoping to hold my new baby in my arms this Fall... and I don't want to see blood.

So I finally make myself sit on the toilet and I sit there, trying to calm myself, just doing my business but *knowing* that I feel damp down there and *knowing* that it both feels and smells like period and *knowing* that it feels like I'm going to wipe and there'll be blood and clots and ick and awful and crying and tears and sorrow....

And then there isn't.

It's just hormones that smell like that, and extra amniotic fluid and mucus leaking out all the time.  And the cramps?  That's because my uterus is growing and growing and will likely soon be giving me preggo belly.

I've only seen blood on toilet paper a handful of times these past 10 weeks.  A couple of teeny spots and one wipe where the mucus was somewhat pink (on April Fools Day, which was not lost on me).  Since I have a huge cervical polyp and some bleeding is totally normal anyway this is all within the realm of the expected.

I'm 15 weeks.  I shouldn't be this scared.  But I am. 

I am still having trouble believing that there is an actual *person* inside of me.  A growing baby that got in there without even trying, which we had fully believed to be impossible.  I *want* this but yet believing that it's real just doesn't seem, well, possible. 

Maybe I'll feel this way the whole pregnancy.  I was so guarded with the boys' adoptions, perhaps that's just how I handle things.  Or maybe once my tummy is big and the babe is kicking I'll get over it (or have a new set of worries!). 

I don't know. 

In the mean time... I need to pee, and I don't wanna!!!


manymanymoons said...

I just am so excited for you. I know you're trying guard yourself and you are scared out of your mind, but even through all of that there is a real live human being in that belly of yours. I won't tell you to try to relax or trust your body or any of that stuff that I myself can't ever do.

I will say that I am so happy for you and I just wish nothing but good things for your family.

You have been such a great support to me and I really value your experiences and insight. I just wish I had more of that for you on this subject to pass along.

ChaosMandy said...

Being pregnant is hard *hugs* Leaking is normal and it will probably get worse the closer you get to your due date.

I honestly hated being pregnant - it made me totally emotional and literally crazy. But it was all worth it in the end.