Monday, July 30, 2012

A little confession

I know this might sound crazy.

I know this is not possible right now.


I want to adopt again.

I know, I know, I have two little boys who are young and need a lot of attention and are a lot of work, AND I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant with a baby girl.  Our little family is about to be majority children, and things will be nuts for awhile.  And, oh yeah, several people (in medical land) believe that our "fertility problems" may have been caused by a uterus squished back as far as it could possibly go (such that they couldn't even find it externally until my 26 week appt, despite the kicking baby inside, since it was way at the back of me) AND a case of potentially endometriosis for which I had no outward signs, but which now (thanks to internal investigating) looks plausible.  Both of these can be remedied simply by going through pregnancy, and as I'm 30 with good insurance, several fertility clinics nearby, and so far am having a healthy and uneventful pregnancy, should I want a fourth child it wouldn't be too big of a stretch to see us conceiving again and not having to go through all the hassle of adoption.

But I want to adopt again.

I don't know, maybe part of that is the pregnancy hormones.  Maybe it's making me nostalgic for what we went through with the boys.  Or maybe it's easier to plan ahead several years on a process I know pretty well rather than leave my future totally open or plan for a potential second pregnancy that might not ever appear.

Or maybe it's how I was joking with Nik about how we'll need a second daughter.  I mean, the boys have each other as peers, they can talk about boy stuff and later on guy stuff.  Yeah, I have no idea what their actual interests will become and for all I know Paxton and Cosima could end up as the lifelong best buddies despite the age and gender difference.  But it feels like, if we have a choice, and we could choose to add a fourth child into our family, and we could choose the gender and some other bits of it all, well I don't know.  It just feels right I guess.

For now. 

Last night I brought it up to Nik again that I could see us waiting until C is a few years old and then pursuing a 4th and final child, a little girl.  Nik, who's been just sort of nodding when I say things like this, told me, "I don't really see us waiting all that long to start the process."  Um, honey, you don't need to give me the go ahead to start the research phase!  Granted the research phase of adoption can literally take years, especially as I log on and track various programs and their requirements and processes.

Maybe I'm just spending too much time on adoption blogs.  Maybe I'm still wondering if we should pursue our foster case license after C's birth.  Maybe I had adoption on the brain for so long that I can't take my focus away.  Or maybe it's that I have always, always, wanted to adopt a special needs female toddler from Viet Nam for some odd reason and despite 6 years since that first popped into my head, no matter what else has popped in there, I haven't been able to shake that vision for our family.  Viet Nam is currently closed for adoptions as they redo their program, which has not only taken years so far but might take a few more years still. 

But it's on the radar.  So is China (Nik is 28, but we probably wouldn't put together a dossier for another 2-3 years).  So is foster care, because we still could go along with our plan of just doing respite care until a situation came along that matched us.  So is Ethiopia, as it always is, and oh my P would love to have a sister from Ethiopia.  So are all sorts of special needs adoption avenues, really. 

It would be years from now, should we do this again.  And right now we have so much going in the right here, right now to focus on that I shouldn't let my mind wander too much. 

But I can still enjoy a blog or two :)

1 comment:

Michelle said...

I totally want to adopt again. In 2 weeks my husband and I will finally fulfill all of the China rules (with a waiver for family size!) and I so want to adopt again. I know exactly what you mean! With 7 kids (one who just turned one yesterday), it is a tough sell! You are brave to make the confession on your blog...I am not so brave so I am making my confession on your blog instead of mine! haha.