I'm a dreamer, and I mean that literally. I tend to have long, vibrant, active dreams that I can remember most nights. On some occasions, I even have lucid dreams in which I can alter the dream. I'm almost always cognizant that I'm in a dream world when I'm there, and rarely have nightmares. My dreams can last, in dream world, for days but usually feel like the course of several hours. There are frequent switches between "scenes" and changes in themes, and while sometimes my dreams include people I know in real life, it's much more common for it to be a totally new "plot" and "character set" each night. In short, I LOVE dreaming, love it, and I can guarantee that the sleep issues that have plagued me my whole life have nothing to do with fear of dreaming :)
So, that being said...
Over the past couple weeks, I have had three dreams about Cosima's birth.
In the first, she started to push and move about my belly like she normally does, only she pushed out further and further, alien style, until finally she just tore right out. And it was painless. And she was a cat. Not a kitten, a full grown (though small) fluffy grey cat with a long tail and pretty eyes and a darling purr. And I loved her.
The second dream again started with her movements and I felt all over my belly, feeling her arms and legs, as she eventually "came to the surface" and I just picked her up, like she had risen from water. A real baby this time, though immediately covered in a blanket so I didn't actually see her. But I cuddled her and hugged her and loved her. Oh, and I was in yoga class during this and some people kept doing yoga while I was tummy-water-birthing :)
Last night's dream was a bit longer and more, well, realistic. At least at first. I went through a birth scene, with crying and fluids and changing positions, and it was long and drawn out. And the kids were there,which is rare in my dreams (typically if I see them at all, then they're asleep somewhere, not active players. Instead they were talking to me, supporting me, asking me questions, etc. And then I gave birth, and they were so happy! And Cosima was not a cat or a covered baby. She was a toddler, with bleach blond dreads and a full set of teeth and full sentences. Ambrose, in dream, tried to take my iPhone to take a picture of her and she scolded him. Even in the dream I was like, "Dude, there is NO WAY!"
I think the thing that's stuck with me about these dreams is this:
I'm happy and in love and at peace with the arrival of our third child.
I guess this is the big perk of a third child.
With my first I was terrified. Would I be a good parent? Would he adjust? Would we feel for him all that we thought a parent should feel for their child? Would he accept us as his parents?
With our second, we were, well, terrified. Was there enough time/love/energy to go around? What if we preferred one child to another? What if they hated each other and A would have been better in another home where he was absolutely loved? What if P couldn't handle a sibling given his emotional state at the time?
And you know what? We loved P, he loved us (no, not at first haha!) and it all worked out. And we loved A, A loved us (yes, at first!) and most importantly P and A totally fell into brotherly love from first sight. There was enough love, enough time, enough energy, even if some days it still doesn't feel like it.
With Cosima, there's fear of course. Fear of the unknown, though. There are still 2 more months where something could go wrong with this pregnancy, and there's still a birth coming up and I've never been through that before! And even once she's here, there's recovery and adjustment and the time it will take for life to become normal again.
But there's no worry about love. I don't doubt at all that there's more than enough love to go around for all the children, that her big brothers will love her, and that she'll adore them from the get go. Already the boys randomly hug me and kiss my belly, declaring "I love you baby sister!" And already, she gives a little kick when they're near.
Today she held off her afternoon kicks by a couple hours (oh, she made up for them believe me!) and, worried, I changed position several times and prodded all over. There was a moment there, while on my back and stretching and squishing in when I could feel her in me, a hand on either side as she was right in the middle of my abdomen. Not clearly, I couldn't make out arms and legs, but there was a tiny little body sleeping snugly inside me. Oh, oh, I wish I could just hold her right now!
On that note, so does Ambrose. While P is excited to sit calmly and hold her and rock her, as he did with Ambrose, my little Ambrosey would like her to come out so she can sleep in bed with him and crawl with him and play with him. Or just move from my belly to his belly, whatever she feels like :)
Lily in a loafing barn
11 months ago