So after several "could this be it???" moments with Braxton Hicks coming on stronger and more regularly and then outright stopping... yeah, I was in a bad place last night and this morning. Yesterday morning I had a midwife appointment and the general concensus is that this baby is going to come any time now. 0-+1 station, 80% effaced, 2 cm dilated, properly positioned, lots of movement, lost plug, nesting and flu like symptoms interchangeably, etc. So, good news... only you can be like that for weeks. And I know this. And people love to tell me this. And, well, when I keep having "it's starting!" and then it just... stops... yeah, I was not a happy girl this morning after trying to get things moving again.
But one thing it made me realize, since I had so much time to sit and stew (because sleep? Was not my friend) was that I have a ton of mental blocks. Little things that frighten me that might be keeping me from getting into a nice zen state. I'm suddenly stressing, and while I look forward so much to labor and delivery and holding her, there are some things that, well, that I have to unload from my mind. And what better place than here?
So, in no particular order, here's everything I could come up with. I'm working on some of it, some of it I think it just helps to list and say, "yeah, this is on my mind and I wasn't expecting it to be there."
-Fear of being alone. I love my husband, and I love his company, but right now I NEED him in a way that somewhat frightens me. I'm a big girl, really I am, but my word do I need him with me now. Which is kind of hard what with him trying to get as much work out of the way now as possible and kids taking up our time and stuff. I told him this this morning and already I feel better, as does he I think because he couldn't figure out why I was so sad :-P
-The household going to ruins. I'm not a great housewife, really, but I like the house to have a schedule, things to go in their general places (like laundry in the proper drawer in the proper room), I like the kids in bed on time and sleeping at night, the toilets clean-ish, the toilet paper stocked, etc. That's been going downhill with my exhaustion lately. And thus, nesting has picked up again as I rush to make our home ready if only to calm myself mentally.
-I feel pretty. I rarely feel pretty, and I rarely care whether or not I feel pretty, but I feel pretty pregnant. I'm wearing pretty clothes, nicer than I normally wear, and people compliment me all the time. I don't think of myself as vain but I guess I sort of am. So I decided that I'm going to keep buying a few pretty clothes after the baby is here. And maybe get my hair cut professionally for the first time since I was 16.
-I have trouble asking for help and doing things for myself. Not really a mental block, more of a personality flaw. I am extremely lucky to be surrounded by people who treat me well and who will take care of me if I ask for it, I just have trouble asking. I don't like being inconvenient, I don't like putting myself ahead of those I love. I can drop people who are using me no problem and I can certainly assert myself with the children, but asking Nik to leave early on an easy day just because I'm feeling weepy and want a hug? Asking someone to pick up a child from school and watch them a bit because I'm feeling tired? That's hard. Real hard. Buying myself underwear is hard (seriously, I ask for it at Christmas usually just because I have such a hard time spending money on myself). I'm working on this. Don't want to go crazy, but I want to take care of myself emotionally and sometimes a pretty new shirt that we can afford might do the trick.
-I think I have some left over issues from dealing with infertility. "You're not getting pregnant because you're thinking about it too much and stressing." Sounds an awful lot like, "you aren't going into labor because you're thinking about it too much and stressing." "It'll happen when it happens" and "you have no control over the timing" are also bringing me back to a bad place. Kind people trying to give advice while unknowingly causing emotional pain.... I need to get over it. I *DID* get pregnant and one way or another this baby is coming, whether tonight or 3 weeks from now. Er, hopefully it's not one extreme or the other though :)
-I think I have some left over issues from the adoptions. I think I'm still thinking about this baby in terms of an adoption situation. I'm still on pins and needles. Will they let me keep her? Will a new rule change parent requirements and boot us from the program last minute? What if someone changes their mind and we have to give her back? What if she's nothing more than a distant hopeful dream? None of these make sense in our situation. She's in my stomach, moving right now as I type, cozying in and shifting around. She's not a potential adoption situation, she's a child in my womb at this very moment who just happens to be inside me instead of in my arms. She is already mine. This is already a done deal. There's no paperwork, no court date, no pins and needles waiting to see if someone revokes consent. I think this is a big emotional hold up I've been having, a fear of loving for fear of losing. Yes, a tragedy could occur, and that would be horrific. But it's unlikely. And she's already a part of our family, no questions asked.
-I'm afraid I won't go into labor. I'm afraid that my body won't work. How could it? I spent years and years looking at every pregnancy symptom and hoping that maybe one day the "symptoms" I saw might match up to a positive pregnancy test. Even though that happened, it's hard to erase years of looking at signs and getting so, so hopeful only to be let down. I expect to be let down. I expect signs to be false. I don't expect my body to work. I don't trust my body, even though it's been doing everything right for the past 9 months.
-I'm afraid that I'll wait too long, need an induction anyway, and find that something awful happened. Not enough fluid, break down of placenta, cord around neck, etc. I'm becoming worried of her physical health, even though she feels just fine and all signs point to a healthy girl who is thriving. I'm just worried that the longer she's in me the more danger she's in, even when I'm reading numbers and stats and research that points to this being false. I'm afraid that somehow my "defective" body will hurt her and I should get her out ASAP and my body won't be able to do that. I know this isn't true. But when thinking for long hours I realized that this, along with others, is a huge fear in the back of my mind.
I'm sure there are other things, but honestly? I was surprised when I really started to think. Labor coming soon makes this baby all the more real and is finally bringing my real subconscious emotions to the forefront. Hopefully by listing them, and finding ways to move past them, I'll be in a better state. For now I'm enjoying a wonderful and relaxing evening. Sounds like I may be needed to help a little boy get into his Batman jammies and snuggled down for bed. That's the kind of thing I live for :)
Lily in a loafing barn
2 months ago