Bits of Dreams

I'm a dreamer, and I mean that literally.  I tend to have long, vibrant, active dreams that I can remember most nights.  On some occasions, I even have lucid dreams in which I can alter the dream.  I'm almost always cognizant that I'm in a dream world when I'm there, and rarely have nightmares.  My dreams can last, in dream world, for days but usually feel like the course of several hours.  There are frequent switches between "scenes" and changes in themes, and while sometimes my dreams include people I know in real life, it's much more common for it to be a totally new "plot" and "character set" each night.  In short, I LOVE dreaming, love it, and I can guarantee that the sleep issues that have plagued me my whole life have nothing to do with fear of dreaming :)

So, that being said...

Over the past couple weeks, I have had three dreams about Cosima's birth.

In the first, she started to push and move about my belly like she normally does, only she pushed out further and further, alien style, until finally she just tore right out.  And it was painless.  And she was a cat.  Not a kitten, a full grown (though small) fluffy grey cat with a long tail and pretty eyes and a darling purr.  And I loved her.

The second dream again started with her movements and I felt all over my belly, feeling her arms and legs, as she eventually "came to the surface" and I just picked her up, like she had risen from water.  A real baby this time, though immediately covered in a blanket so I didn't actually see her.  But I cuddled her and hugged her and loved her.  Oh, and I was in yoga class during this and some people kept doing yoga while I was tummy-water-birthing :)

Last night's dream was a bit longer and more, well, realistic.  At least at first.  I went through a birth scene, with crying and fluids and changing positions, and it was long and drawn out.  And the kids were there,which is rare in my dreams (typically if I see them at all, then they're asleep somewhere, not active players.  Instead they were talking to me, supporting me, asking me questions, etc.  And then I gave birth, and they were so happy!  And Cosima was not a cat or a covered baby.  She was a toddler, with bleach blond dreads and a full set of teeth and full sentences.  Ambrose, in dream, tried to take my iPhone to take a picture of her and she scolded him.  Even in the dream I was like, "Dude, there is NO WAY!" 

:)

I think the thing that's stuck with me about these dreams is this:

I'm happy.

I'm happy and in love and at peace with the arrival of our third child. 

I guess this is the big perk of a third child.

With my first I was terrified.  Would I be a good parent?  Would he adjust?  Would we feel for him all that we thought a parent should feel for their child?  Would he accept us as his parents? 

With our second, we were, well, terrified.  Was there enough time/love/energy to go around?  What if we preferred one child to another?  What if they hated each other and A would have been better in another home where he was absolutely loved?  What if P couldn't handle a sibling given his emotional state at the time? 

And you know what?  We loved P, he loved us (no, not at first haha!) and it all worked out.  And we loved A, A loved us (yes, at first!) and most importantly P and A totally fell into brotherly love from first sight.  There was enough love, enough time, enough energy, even if some days it still doesn't feel like it.

With Cosima, there's fear of course.  Fear of the unknown, though.  There are still 2 more months where something could go wrong with this pregnancy, and there's still a birth coming up and I've never been through that before!  And even once she's here, there's recovery and adjustment and the time it will take for life to become normal again. 

But there's no worry about love.  I don't doubt at all that there's more than enough love to go around for all the children, that her big brothers will love her, and that she'll adore them from the get go.  Already the boys randomly hug me and kiss my belly, declaring "I love you baby sister!"  And already, she gives a little kick when they're near. 

Today she held off her afternoon kicks by a couple hours (oh, she made up for them believe me!) and, worried, I changed position several times and prodded all over.  There was a moment there, while on my back and stretching and squishing in when I could feel her in me, a hand on either side as she was right in the middle of my abdomen.  Not clearly, I couldn't make out arms and legs, but there was a tiny little body sleeping snugly inside me.  Oh, oh, I wish I could just hold her right now! 

On that note, so does Ambrose.  While P is excited to sit calmly and hold her and rock her, as he did with Ambrose, my little Ambrosey would like her to come out so she can sleep in bed with him and crawl with him and play with him.  Or just move from my belly to his belly, whatever she feels like :)

Two months....

Today is August 28th.

My EDD is October 28th.

Currently I have an attic full of baby stuff, some packed away, some disassembled, nothing really organized or in one place.  And a pile of baby girl clothes on my closet floor.  And A and P are still in separate rooms and that ain't changing anytime soon, at least not until my two light sleepers are on a more similar schedule.

Soooo, yeah, we have some preparing to do!  I'm rather certain she's going to be sleeping in our room for the first few months anyway so we're going to set up a changing table and such in there for her.  With Ambrose, he slept in our room for almost a year and we just kept all the extra baby stuff in his room.  Now we don't have that luxury, so I think we'll have to sit down and make a game plan of where on Earth all the extra baby stuff gets to go.  Perhaps I can get some cheap drawers to go in my closet for the time being...

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Anywho, enough about that.

The kids?  They are a growing.

Cosi is moving my stomach when she kicks, which is like all the time now.  It's a fun show.  Seriously, we'll have something on the tv that I'm actually interested in seeing, but dude, my belly is moving everywhere and parts of it are pushing out and it's just so coooool!  Nik watches for a bit but he says the thought that there's a human being living inside another human being is kind of weird.  Um, no, that's how we all got here.... but whatever.  She kicks whether she's facing out or not, but I very much prefer her facing out.  Not only do I get to see her movements, but it doesn't hurt at all.  If she's kicking and I can't feel it with my hand, then I can only feel it with my insides.  And that means lungs, crotch, butt, back, bladder, stomach, etc.  She's an equal opportunity kicker who constantly flips and kicks.  Silly little gymnast :)

Paxton just started 1st grade yesterday.  My goal a couple weeks ago was to provide chapter books with a few pictures in them in order to encourage him to read books with less/no pictures (ie, read on reading level).  He was convinced that "you need to have pictures, and to look at the pictures, since they give you clues to what you're reading about."  I informed him that since he could read a picture book in under a minute and fully understand it that he didn't need these picture clues.  It was like pulling teeth to get him to read them himself, without a grown up reading to him.  And now?  Apparently there just aren't enough books for him.  This kid is suddenly nose-in-a-book constantly when at home or in the car, suddenly interrupts a conversation to squeal about a new plot point or revelation, and is begging us to take him back to the library only days after our last visit since he's already read all his books 3 times and he needs more, MORE!  Haha, yeah, I'm a proud mama there :)

Have I mentioned that I love his school?  A formerly failing school where the County, despite budget cuts and constant increases in population, turned it into a Magnet, found money for it, brought in all new staff last year, and is really turning the place around.  What I see as a parent and adult is a delicate balancing act, mostly young and relatively new staff figuring out their way, a new and teensy PTA trying to do the job of a large and established PTA, and an administration facing problems like break ins and theft of new technology, having over half the parents of the school at or below poverty line and often not speaking much English, and disciplinary problems with older students who have been their since the school was a failing and forgotten school in a poorer neighborhood.  Working miracles in limited resources, having a happy an enthusiastic staff that is making a huge difference, test scores coming up, having so many people want to come to the school this year that some kids couldn't get in, and seeing a peaceful, clean, happy, well run environment when it could so easily go the other way. 

What my son sees is a small, brightly colored school that loves him.  He was greeted with huge hugs by staff and administrators.  He is proud and happy and has a blast every day.  His class is made up of students from multiple racial, ethnic, and economic backgrounds (though mostly male!).  He sees a place that is happy and accepting and nothing but fun, where he learns constantly.  Yeah, it's not one of the county's highly sought after schools, nor is it one of the new charters or the long term magnets, it's not private or Montessori or Waldorf, but he's learning everything I think he should be and he's really, really enjoying school.  At this age, that's what I strive for, and I am beyond impressed with this place!

Okay, enough about that... I love Ambrose's preschool as well, haha!  Small, friendly, accepting, happy, and where my child is truly seen as an individual and cherished for who he is. 

I am very happy about the school year starting, because my children are very happy about it starting.  There's nothing like spending dinner with the kids excitedly telling us stories of their day!

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So, on to Ambrose....

Oh, wow has he grown!  He'll be 3 in about 5 weeks and he is so not a baby anymore, though he'd still like to be some days :)

Ambrose is a loud kid, a proud kid, a happy and smiley and yelling and dancing and singing and running and jumping and throwing and playing and sharing and hugging and eating constantly kid.

He has had a clean diaper for several days now, tries to stay in his bed until it's okay to get up, helps to clean up, and often says things that blow my mind.

Yesterday we tried out a story time and I was impressed at him just running into the crowd and figuring out what to do just by looking at the other kids with no instruction.  He only lasted half of it, which I think is great for a first time there.  Before we left the woman in charge spoke a little about Canada and how it's way up North, to which Ambrose jumps up and says "I go to Maine way up North too!"  Haha, can I now brag that my toddler knows his geography?  :)

Today at a science museum he informed me that he needed to use the restroom.  We got him in and settled in the noisy room.  As he started to do his business, I hear him yell out, "everyone please be quiet guys!  I tryin' to do a poopy!"  Yes, we need silence for such a solemn act :)

Frequently he makes us laugh and smile with what he says, and now sometimes he'll even make himself laugh.  He messed up and said that brother was at work, not school, and spent about five minutes in the car laughing at himself and saying, "I do it wrong, hehe, daddy at work, brother at school!  Haha!  Not brother at school, it is daddy!"  Sometimes the hardest part about driving this kid is that I just want to hug him when he's cute like this and I can't!

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Not to be left out of the cuteness, yesterday when I picked up P from school my super-exhausted boy hugged both me and Ambrose. 

"Brother, I miss you so much!" cried out little Ambrose, arms wrapped around his big brother.

"I missed you too Ambrose!  Except that I actually forgot all about you while I was at school."

Um, thanks P :)  They were still hugging when P said it and I so wish I'd caught it on camera!  Silly brothers.