Saturday, February 28, 2009

Not much to say

Saw family a bit this week, Paxton's stayed dry a lot, didn't go to a consignment sale and am now blaming Nik. I mean, it is all his fault! I decided not to go because of the distance, but wouldn't you know it my husband wanted to go to a game store to pick up D&D supplies, and the gamestore he wanted to go to (and is at now) is like two streets over! Jerk! If you wanted to go over that way ANYWAY you could've at least dropped me off at the sale first! Yeesh!

Also, please, please keep your fingers crossed and our family in prayers. IF everything goes well Nik will be starting at his new job on Tuesday! It's an awesome, awesome job and Nik thinks they really need him since he's already figured out ways to help him. Better yet, it's contract to hire, pays well, and it's in the medical field which means that it's not only one of the most stable places to work right now, but Nik will actually be doing work that will indirectly help save and better lives. Now that's something to be really proud of :)

Either way we're planning on a date next Saturday. I'm looking forward to it!

Also I'm looking around at facilitators within NC. We'd rather not sign with a facilitator, but at the very least I can get links/names from them of lawyers or agencies to contact. We're also thinking about paying $100 and putting ourselves on for a month, just to see if anything happens. You know, I did a search and there is not one couple on there that's from NC open to African American children! Granted there are only like 9 couples from NC anyway... but still, that just seems odd to me, and we keep hearing what a huge need there is. I'm thinking that we might want to put our names out there for a month just to feel like we're doing something, see if anything happens, and also use that month to locate and speak with various lawyers and agencies that work in NC only since we really don't think adopting out of state will work for us right now.

Either way, I'm still very, very optimistic about our future and our next child. How could I not be when my own little boy is so wonderful?

(if you couldn't tell, he's back to being himself and we're both so grateful!)

Friday, February 27, 2009

Must... resist...

Consignment sale starting... in one hour.... too far away... have too much stuff already... must not get keys and head off!

But... they say that 200 people consigned and it's all good quality... and Paxton does need rubber rain boots and those are always in the $20+ range anyway....

But no! It's almost half an hour away! And there's another one in a week or two! Closer ones, where you'll be able to go with your mother and drink yummy coffee and have someone to talk to in line and compare prices.

But... but... mer...

Stupid voices in my head. I swear I've gone back and forth over going for like a week now! Seriously! If it were close, I'd stop in to check it out. If it were further away, I wouldn't even think about it. :( I guess the easiest/best choice is the one that involves the least amount of $$ spent.

Nik is asleep. So is Paxton. I think I will go upstairs and partake in that as well.

Oh, and fingers crossed! Nik had two interviews this week that both went well. It's Friday afternoon so we aren't likely to hear anything now, meaning the whole weekend will be full of suspense. HOPEFULLY, one (or both!) of the two places will want him. That would mean we'd be back to a normal schedule, back into the land of waiting to adopt, and back into steady income. Or it could be a bit let down and both could take their pick of and of the thousands of available developers around here who are suddenly unemployed or extremely close to it (RTP is really, really suffering, like 1/3 less jobs now than a year ago or something like that).

Oh, and Paxton seems to have been reigned in a bit. Just a LOT of discipline, a lot of attention, and a lot of activity. We're very proud of him. He's getting back from "OMG why are you nuts?" land and becoming the sweet, intelligent and loving kid that he normally is again. Wheeeew!

K, sleepy time! Hopefully I won't wake my boy up the second I lay down in bed. I've done that a few times before and it stiiiiiiinks!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


So the potty training thing is going... Okay-ish.

He's been in underpants for a little over a week. That doesn't mean he's been clean, mind you, just that he starts off in underpants and we follow the rule of "once you pee in them, that's it for the day and you lose your Diego/Thomas underpants and are put in a baby diaper." Some days he's been fine. Some days not so much.

He peed his pants Sunday night, Monday morning, and twice this morning before 10 am. We were following the rules of "no pressure, just encouragement." Yeah, that wasn't working. Today we finally got to the mall for storytime and right as I was unclicking him from his carseat he casually informed me "lot in diaper" which means "I did a lot of pee in my diaper." Then he peed. I just kind of stared at him. He wasn't upset in the least, just waited for me to change him so we could keep going. I considered it, but...

Well, this is just getting a bit ridiculous. I'd get it if he just wasn't ready yet, like he was a year ago.

I'd get it if he couldn't tell when he had to go.

I'd even get it if he was sick, ate anything different, and hadn't peed literally 30 minutes beforehand.

None of those applied. He just... felt like going and went and waited for me to clean him.

I'm sorry, boy, but there's only so much babying I'm willing to give a child who speaks in full sentences and who gets up himself at night to go potty.

So instead I clicked him back in and drove home. I called my mom and cancelled lunch. I took his underpants out of his drawer and told him they were mine now. I even showered him off. I took the carseat in and took it apart to clean it. Yeah, I think he got it.

I wasn't trying to be mean, mind you, but he doesn't seem to understand that it's actually a problem when he pees himself and as much as I'm all for "gentle parenting" in many areas, if it's not benefiting the kid then something different must be done.

Paxton wasn't exactly heartbroken, but it did make an impact. Especially that Gambi was sad we weren't going to lunch with her (the carseat needed to be cleaned and dried first).

Oddly enough he peed just fine for me afterwards, holding it without issue.

I feel bad, though. I mean, I myself wasn't pottytrained till age 4 or so, and neither were most boys I know. But I get the feeling it's not a lack of readiness but a laziness and a control issue. He's making us be inconvenienced while he still gets to do the same thing, and he's a smart enough kid that I know he gets it. That and that little gleam in his eye...

We're seeing my mom tonight anyway. It's the Mardi Gras pancake dinner at our church and we're all going, so he'll still get to have fun and see Gambi. And we did still have a pleasant morning. I pulled out my old Sunday School for preschoolers bag, still chock full of supplies and lessons, and put together an impromptu lesson. Three stories where he had to sit and pay attention, three activities one after each story. I tried to get him to exercise a bit too since we were inside but, um, that didn't work. Little butt somehow got me to exercise but barely moved a muscle himself.

So, all in all not bad. No trauma, might have regained control of that issue, maybe made him think a bit, and the lesson went great and he actually learned from it. Oh, and he's asleep now which is always great.

I'm still bummed, though. If we'd had lunch with my mom we were going to meet at the Indian buffet. Channa Masala! Saag Paneer! Mushroom Curry! Endless Samosas and Naan with Raita! And Gulab Jaamun in a bowl of Rice Kheer! Waaaaaaah!!!

Monday, February 23, 2009

I feel like I should blog

Not sure what about...

Pax is being a pain in the patootie lately, but again, that was expected. The only way he'll go down for a nap lately is "in mommy arms!!!" meaning I get to hug him tight until he's fast asleep then transfer him into bed. Talk about regressing! But he'll actually take a nice nap if I do that. Well, he'll take a nap at all if I do that! So it's worth it. And it is really cute :)

Nik has an in-person interview tomorrow. Essentially the place told him that if he wants to work there they'll have him (most likely), but it's not the best of jobs for him so he'll want to consider it. It might come down to the choice of "pick this contract job now and pass up other potential jobs for a long time" or "say no to this job and risk not having something come along for a looooong time." Pros and cons either way, y'know?

As for the adoption, we've settled on the fact that we'll be either adopting this year from NC only (no time off for ICPC) or starting up and adopting next year internationally. Honestly, if Vietnam opens back up I think I might just jump at that opportunity since, for some reason, we still feel like there'll be a child for us over there.

We're starting to honestly think about fixing up our yard. It's a crappy time for it, but I think we'll be getting estimates at tree removal soon. Too many tall pines too close to our house. I'll also be starting up my garden. I doubt we'll have the funds right away to do what I want this year (fence an area in, build several trough things to raise up the garden, buy compost, etc). I think I'll just be flopping down a few plots right into the fertile ground. I'm going to take the area that's already covered in wild strawberries and make a few plots for tomatoes, beans, carrots, eggplant, chives, peppers, and perhaps a blueberry bush or two. Maybe I'll even try to grow cabbage or a dark lettuce. We'll just have to see!

More consignment sales are popping up all the time. I'm getting better at them. Not only do we now have just about everything we need, now I know relative costs, what might be around at the half off sale, what I'll need to snatch up right away, and I'm going in will a game plan. There's one I went to on Saturday and bought some stuff, too many toys (and a Lite Brite!), and there'll be a 50-75% off sale this Saturday. There'll also be a 50% off sale at one in Apex. I'm going to hit both, with Nik and Paxton. Then I think I might have a week off... but yardsale season is right around the corner! I'm putting my list together for what Nik and I need, either for us or the house, so that I know what I can buy. For example, Nik needs better shoes, I'd like a few pretty shirts or dresses, we need a small bookcase or two, I'd love some encyclopedias or homeschool curricula, etc. And hey, maybe someday I'll find my grapefruit spoon! I'd love that! But none of those things are so pressing that I'd actively look or buy new right at the moment. That's why it's so awesome to come across a $2 pair of fitting shoes, or a $5 bookcase that fits in the car, because you know you need it and you know you're getting a hell of a good deal.

And yeah, I'm psyched already for more sales. I got a bow and arrow set! Though Nik mostly plays with that one. and some new clothes, very expensive types for $1 each at most. I love these :)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Oh.... oh yeah...

There's a consignment sale this weekend. A big one. It's right down the road....



Yeah, momma's gonna be spending daddy's hard earned severance all right!

(though in all seriousness I want to buy Paxton some summer toys, a playhouse, kid gardening equipement, etc and I can probably totally equip him for summer without going over $50. Also there weren't supposed to be any more sales until next month but I was feeling that ole shopping bug, did a search and found this place. I'm now totally psyched!)

Le Siiiiiiiiiiigh

Paxton had a somewhat baddish day. It included a total hysterical breakdown, kicking, shrieking, teeth chattering, calling for help, full body sweating and crying like an infant, things he hasn't done in many months. It wasn't scary. When it happened it was actually pretty anticipated. He didn't have a nap yesterday and was still tired from it, and was acting completely hyper and violent and out of control all morning. The whole thing with Nik being home all the time has really thrown him off and he's been doing so well with it, just chugging along, but it was bound to create a meltdown at some point.

So there we were on the gymnasium floor during the community center's Thursday Tot Time. He ran out of the gym, out of the building, into a construction zone before a community worker got to him (I was going slow to grab him since he's never done that before and likes to "tease" me by going right outside the door and hiding). Scared the heck out of me, obviously. Put him in time out, tried to talk to him, had to stop myself from crying because when he's like this I just can't reach him. Right before a meltdown he'll make almost no eye contact, and when he's done it's like there's this barrier there. He'll have a huge grin on his face and completely dead eyes, totally blocked from all emotion. He'll just repeat everything I say and he'll randomly slap me or bite. Again, hasn't done that in months. It's... I don't like it. I accept that this will happen every now and then, that it happens during times of great stress when he's becoming vastly overwhelmed, and that while it happens less and less and will probably eventually phase out it's just a fact of life when living with a child who's been through too many upsets and changes and can't comprehend any of it.

After time out I just took him back to the gym and that's when we sat on the floor, while I talked to a friend. I held him tight, saying he needed to be able to be calm and talk to me before I'd let go. That's when the screaming and crying started.

Sometimes I think I should go home when he does this. I know it freaks people out. It looks like I'm squeezing him for no good reason and he's just fighting me off, trying to get away. I can tell you from experience that he DOES NOT want me to let go of him, that he'll fight me hard like he wants me to get off but if I let go he'll grab me and squish in or lie there limp and crying. It's a... a release. He needs to fight something, unlease the pent up emotion, let it all out. At the same time he needs to be grounded, to be hugged tight and have someone whispering "I love you" in his ear while he goes wild for awhile.

Normally he'll calm down and start laughing or talking calmly or look me straight in the eyes, with that bewildered look like he's just come out of a trance, and calmly speak with me. He's always subdued. Always.

Today he fell asleep. No joke. He was EXHAUSTED from not having a nap, always takes him like 2 days to recover from no nap. He loves sleep as much as I do really.

I almost asked another mom to go grab my phone and take a picture. I probably should've. He hasn't slept on me in, well... okay, maybe a month :)

It was peaceful, though. He'd yanked my shirt down (always does) and had his head shoved against my left breast. He was clammy, the result of being coated in sweat and tears. He snored.

I only let him sleep for about 20 minutes. We needed to leave (they needed us out) and he woke up when I moved him. He remained cuddly, and subdued.

Instead of the angry boy of this morning he was calm. He used the restroom (3 days in underpants!) and we went to visit my mom. He wasn't exactly an angel, not even close. Throughout the whole day he was tired and was acting like it. The powernap killed any chance of an after lunch nap even though we tried.

But he was normal again. He looked us in the eyes and really smiled. And he became cuddly again, like he normally is.

It's odd how something like this can affect a small one.

He's so, so pattern oriented. He gets upset when things are out of place, though he normally adjusts quickly. When I move furniture I have to either have him watch me do it or go and tell him before he sees it (then he thinks it's funny). When we ride on a carousel he always remembers what we rode on before and wants us to ride the same things. He is initially upset if we try to sit in different chairs at the table, though relents that we're allowed to move. He's very, very pattern oriented, and if my life had been tossed and turned as much as his I think that's how I'd be too.

So Nik being home all the time, no real separation between weekend and weekday, no real idea of how each day will turn out... I think it's good for him, to teach him that he'll still be okay if things change, and I think he can handle it and that he is actually handling it quite well for how he used to be.

But I can't expect it to be easy. I'm sure there'll be another fit or two in our future, and maybe more when Nik goes back to work. But we'll get through it. As much as he can drive me nuts I'm still very proud of my little boy.

I'm also very happy there's a drop off daycare center down the road that he absolutely loves and that was having a sale on hours today. Oh yeah, less than $2/hr for anytime drop off at a large facility with slides, tvs, computers, a moonwalk, snacks, tons of toys and staff trained in childcare and medical aid, located at my favorite mall and always empty enough that he has at least two adults fawning all over him for an hour or so while I relax with a coffee and scone. I love this city :)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Horrible thoughts

What is it about my son's naptime that I tie it so closely with my ability to parent?

I don't understand it but I've always done it. Ever since we took custody I've been working hard to make sure my child sleeps well and knows how to get himself to sleep.

I think it has something to do with my own chronic insomnia which was never addressed when I was a child. How much of my life can be attributed to my own eternal exhaustion? How many pounds on my overweight body wouldn't be there if I'd just had the energy to run a bit more or play a bit harder? How many tv shows would I have avoided if I'd had the mental energy for something more? How much food would I have passed up since I wouldn't need that so much for my energy?

No, sleep problems aren't to blame for everything, but they can account for a lot. Lord knows I can hardly remember my teen years when I was only sleeping a few hours a night. So much of my life was bleary until I encountered the magic Benadryl + Tylenol concoction: one of each a night and I can not only get to sleep but stay asleep. I feel better now than I did for a long, long time and I attribute much of that to actually getting sleeeeep. And having a wonderful morning person husband who actually lets me sleep in a bit every morning? And lets me sleep till noon on Saturday? Oh, it's wonderful! Wonderful I say!

So maybe that's it. I naturally want more for my son than I want for myself (unless we're talking cake) and I want him to sleep. I want him to get a full night's sleep and wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed. I want him to get a sufficient nap in the middle of the day so that he's not just dragging by during the afternoon and tantrumming all night before literally passing out while trying to get to his bed (yes, he's done that).

And here he is, at 1:35pm on a Wednesday afternoon. I made sure he got exercise all morning, made sure he went potty enough, fed him a nice lunch (PB&J + tomato + choc milk), had him potty again, prepared his room, gave him a book, gave him a kiss, and left him to nap.

That was an hour ago.

After he peed his pants (huh???), filled his bed with Q-tips, played with the lightsaber and snow globe, tried to take off his diaper, kicked, screamed, pinched, hit and demanded, I finally gave up and now he's sitting there, perfectly happy watching tv while I sit here feeling like a horrible, horrible mom.

What is wrong with me?

And I mean that both ways. What is wrong with me that I can't figure out how to get my son to sleep when I KNOW he needs it? What is wrong with me for giving up and giving him his way? What is wrong with me that I don't always think of his needs first, such as his need to get enough sleep, and instead throw my hands in the air and leave the room half in tears?

But also: What is wrong with me that I'm so tied up on this? I mean, for the love of God, it's just one day's nap! Sure I've "failed" like this before but really after the last 15 months of mommyhood I probably have about 365 days of good naps under my belt, and that's including his brief "no more naps!" period. And kids? Yeah, sometimes they're little buttmonkies and they really don't want to do what's best for them and it's just not worth it to fight them over something that they won't even remember tomorrow. He's no different from any other kid who just doesn't feel like a nap, and hey, he doesn't punch me in the eye anymore over it (naptime used to be "physically abuse mommy" time while he fell asleep, but that was a year ago).

I once told Nik that it feels like my whole day is geared toward getting Paxton to sleep well. Get him physical and mental exercise so he's tired, lots of interaction so he's satisfied, good food with protein and calcium for stimulating tiredness and keeping him sated while sleeping, keeping a relative pattern on bathroom breaks and sleeptime, being open about what's coming up next and letting him know so it's not a surprise. 9 times out of 10 I don't even realize this and he goes to sleep no problem, happily even, then sleeps like a log, wakes up and whines for half and hour, and is a little bundle of sunshine the rest of the time. Well, maybe 6 times out of 7 since Sunday is regularly his day to fight naps.

Maybe it's because Nik is here. In fact that's highly likely. Just like on Sunday when daddy's here and he didn't spend all morning with him, he's fighting naps and then following his daddy around just to be near him.

Please tell me my kid won't be like this until Nik goes back to work. Oh please oh please oh please...

and please tell me I'll learn to just let it go, most of the time anyway, and roll with the punches. Heck, I can take punches better than I can not napping!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

On the bright side...

I was actually going to write mostly happy things in my last post (posted, what, 2 minutes ago?) and instead ended up venting. Don't I have a LiveJournal for that?

Anyway, every now and then I like to collect several cute things about Paxton, just to write them down and reminisce months later. So here goes (remember, totally random).

-Paxton recognizes 2 of something without issue now, same with 1 of something. I'm so proud of that.
-He read letters and numbers faster, remembers what certain words are supposed to say in books, and can memorize about half of a small book now and "read" it to himself while pointing at the text. He really impressed me with "would you, could you, on a train?"
-He picks up girls everywhere we go. Like, people my age roughly. Sometimes he wants to play with men too, but he's allll about the ladies. And really I think I'm just about the only person who can say no to this boy!
-He had his first Sunday School last week and did okay. We also had our first night out while he was awake. He wasn't ready for it earlier (totally freaked being left alone for over a few minutes with people he knew) but he's finally ready now, and that means we're finally able to go out! Please note that he's pretty much always been okay in a nursery setting or being with people when we're there, but when he was close to the person and we left he seemed to think we were passing him off to caretaker #5 and we weren't coming back, a pretty rational thought given his life thus far. Nice to know he totally trusts us and is completely well adjusted now :)
-He's getting better at story times and doesn't freak out as much. I always get funny looks though! Storytimes are very beneficial and he loves them but they seem to remind him of the orphanage's storytimes and he regresses and flips out. We didn't go for a long time but he's doing better now. Still has to sit right near me or on my lap for some of it but he's becoming more independent, ie like he is most of the time.
-We went to the zoo Friday because, well, why not? We're members so it's free and it was a beautiful day! The polar bear even showed off for us! While in the African Pavillion Paxton found a metal turtle attached to a bench. He announced "Is a turtle on there!" then I looked away for a moment only to hear "I sittin' on the turtle!" Sure enough, he was trying his best to fit his big bum on that turtle.
-I love watching him "read" his books. He gets so much right! And he does voices like we do. I really need to tape it but he doesn't often do it if he knows I'm watching.
-Last week Paxton woke me up by announcing "Look, Mommy! I gipping!" Then he proceeded to "skip" across the carpet, which probably hurt since he was just shuffling really fast. He was kind enough to "gip" for other people later.
-^^ Coincidentally, I've noticed that he's often dropping the first consonent sound in double consonant beginnings (are those diphthongs?). He keeps the accurate second consonant sound, though, so "skip" became "gip". Because I laugh at it, he keeps telling people "Eat sticks!" He doesn't say "sticks" though :-P.
-He's trying to sing now. He can do a lot of the Bob the Builder theme song. He also woke me up yesterday with "yoyoyoyoyoyo life a meeeee!" Since Nik was grinning ear to ear I figured I should correct him with "It's 'yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me' dear". Then I took him downstairs and showed him the Lazytown pirate video. Find it on YouTube. It's catchy! Yar Har Fiddle Dee Dee!
-He's using the potty a lot and is totally obsessed with potty books. I know I should put him in underpants again. It's just... this is new carpet... I mean... *whimper*
-He's actually becoming more considerate when he doesn't think about it. Like saying "excuse me" after burping or when going around someone, "please" for things he'd like or "thank you" to just about everyone. Except us usually. Little bum.
-He's been more active lately, more alert, more... childlike. He's really grown recently, in all aspects. From someone who couldn't put two words together a few months ago now we're hearing stuff like "look, mommy, look! Look at this! There's a ball in here! Look, it's a blue ball! I'm gonna get the blue ball!" He's just eating up words and phrases, figuring everything out. He's running fast, riding a trike, climbing everything, building, cleaning, getting and cleaning his own food, listening to directions, conversing with other children and adults, and just... blossoming. It's like he's finally becoming the kid I always hoped he'd be. Yeah, he's still a kid and he can still drive me nuts, but he's nice and he's smart and he's oh so cuddly. And he's growing fast and in so many ways I'm proud and in so many other ways I'm sad that time is just passing so quickly.

There are so many more things that I'll probably remember later. There were some things he said that I wanted to write down but I can't think of them now. I do think it's cute that he often ends sentences with "me" instead of starting them with I, but I can't think of good uses of that right now. Ah well!

Nik did finally get him down for a nap, after the time he should've been getting up for a nap but we're staying out late tonight so that's... kind of okay. I'll be waking him up soon. We want to give him an hour down.

Also, I'm sooooo still geared up for consignment sales! I feel awful that I bought so much for BB at the Kids Exchange and very little for Paxton. I should've gone in with a list! I hit up another one and mostly bought stuff for Pax, including 3 pairs of shoes, one from Stride Rite that I've had my eye on for months but it's like $45. I got the pair a size too big (ie, perfect), brand new, $8. I was practically fistpumping! There are more sales coming up. I want an outside playhouse and gardening equipment for him, and some more baby books for me. I mean, they're like a dollar there! And I'm already starting to stock up on cheap/good quality 5t clothes for whenever that time comes. He can definitely wear the shorts if nothing else. 3t doesn't really fit his legs at all anymore. Oooo, and some beach stuff, I'd love that. And maybe some more stuff for me. I just need to go in prepared. Oh yeah, I'm feeling the yardsaling rush. Yardsale season starts in just weeks. Bring. It. On!

Bad, bad days...

Adoption is on hold. Nik's team at work got laid off a little over a week ago. Just couldn't blog about it, y'know? So... we have money in the bank, we'll survive. Job market is small and slow, no real action in over a week. He might possibly get a contract position within the next month. In normal economy he would've had a job already. The nursery is done. The domperidone is in hand. The baby? I don't know if it will ever be. And we were on the list... we were ready at any time....

And God help me if my kid throws one more tantrum because he chooses not to nap and he's so dang tired I'm seriously going to lose it and just scream at him.

And if one more person does the "God's plan" or "It will work out" or any other happy advice I'm going to scream. Do people think we don't know this? That we don't tell ourselves this? When we hear it from someone else it's almost like they're telling us our grief isn't justified.

It's just... why couldn't it have happened a few weeks earlier? BEFORE we sent out our applications? Before we were accepted into a program? Before our profile went active? Or why not a couple months later, when we might've had a baby in our arms? People keep telling us that that would be harder, more stressful. Do you really think actually having your child is more stressful than having to give up the new hope you've just found?

I've been pretty upbeat lately, don't get me wrong. We've been looking at the bright side, spending time together, and Nik's been more relaxed since he's not working his butt off anymore. And we're keeping our heads clear and thinking about the various possibilities, like redoing our paperwork if we haven't adopted by the end of the year and switching to our old agency's new Rwanda program or seeing if Vietnam opens up again, both places I've felt called to. We're not wallowing in self pity.

In fact, I didn't even think I'd become emotional at all writing about it.

But then I started writing and started crying. I guess that's what writing does, brings out the emotions you've put on the back burner. It doesn't help that I'm frustrated with Paxton today, now does it? Arg, it's always Sundays he refuses a nap, and that's when we like to stay up a bit later too! I'm either a bad mom for not getting him to nap or a bad mom for keeping him up late when he hasn't napped, or maybe even a bad mom for denying him time with his loving grandparents in order to keep him on a schedule. I don't honestly think I'm a bad mom but something about being all emotional brings that out in me.

Alright, so this is becoming a bit more stream of consciousness than I'd thought. *Sigh*

So let's just get this all out then:
This sucks.

This economy sucks for the American public and, well, all other countries really.

This sucks for me as I've felt that welcoming our next child (next son, I think) was literally just around the corner and I've been working so hard to prepare our home and our son and my body and our marriage and the car and everything, just literally waiting for the moment we'd receive the miraculous news that we'd been selected and our baby was either born or soon to be so.

This sucks for my husband who lost his job, along with friends, after working his butt off, not realizing that they were just squeezing out what they felt was the last usage of his team. He lost 16 hours on a Saturday to finishing their company website, totally unpaid, just to be fired shortly therafter. He lost contact with friends, a friendly group environment, a fun boss. He now has a trunk full of stuff that used to cover his desk and a list of about 30 applications he's sent out, none of which he's heard back from. He's got one interview under his belt, another tomorrow, both for contract work. And I'm pretty sure his ego is shot. I mean, they let go 20% of their workforce, but he was part of that. And he hasn't been hired, interviewed, or even contacted really in over a week despite lots of contacts and so many people circulating his name around. This just sucks for him as a man.

And what I'm really worried about, this sucks for our son. He wants the new baby. We spent waaaay too much on a Pottery Barn Kids nightlight, a Frog Prince, to match Paxton's Moon and Star one. Paxton has to make sure that light is on for "baby" before he can take a nap. He talks about baby. Says things are for baby. Asks about baby. We were preparing him and he is ready to be a big brother and now... Maybe sometime this year? Maybe not? Was it all for nothing? And let's not even talk about him having to deal with adjusting to daddy being home, which is kinda cool but also messes with schedules, and oh yeah there's a little extra stress in the air. And then there's us indulging him a bit more, which I don't really think is good for him or his waistline since mommy bakes when she's stressed and he's getting more cookies now.

This just sucks.

And I know it will all work out in the end, and in a way it's a relief since the process was seeming a bit too smooth so far compared to Paxton's (only hard part was selling a house in this economy). It's like I was waiting for the next pitfall and bam, there it is. Over and done with. Let's pray it's the last one.

Okay, so I'm actually feeling a bit better writing that out. I think that's actually my first real vent since right after Nik gave me the news. Whooooooo, breath in, breath out...

On the bright side, there's a possibility (acc. to his contract interview) that he might be able to adopt while doing contract work so long as he takes unpaid time off and declines any paid vacation time. And he'd still have some benefits through that. So, if he starts a contract job within the month (possible) we might still remain active and not actually have to put anything on hold. Or we might be on hold for only a few months, or there's the possibility of finding a first parent choosing an adoption plan within North Carolina which would work even better, especially if we do a fully or mostly open adoption. Or it might not work out at all, either we're on hold too long or more pitfalls come or, God forbid, we finally match and it falls through. And then? We adopt internationally again. We're young and we have time to build the large family we desire. We know this. We are fully cognizant that this, too, shall pass and some day, maybe far and maybe near, we'll be holding our next child and we'll be so glad that everything happened to set it up right.

Still sucks right now though.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


I fell down and got hurt :( Dang.

While leaving downtown I picked Paxton up to take him to his carseat. I was peering around the cars to see when the last of the cars would go by and somehow tripped off of the sidewalk. Easily could've caught myself if I'd been willing to, y'know, drop my kid. Couldn't do that obviously.

The weird thing is that EVERYTHING was suddenly in slow motion. And my face was 100% on Paxton the whole time so it was like he was moving in slo mo and looking confused and falling backwards and everything else was just side stuff.

I managed to lay him very delicately on the pavement, and the second he was safe, BAM, it all sped up again.

And man could I feel my knee! I totally busted my right knee, shoved all my weight on it very quickly and ground it into the pavement. It looks awful and disgusting and just, ew, yucky!

I got Paxton into his carseat, got everything in, and managed to kinda half cry without tears while getting home which did make me feel much better until I shifted my legs and ripped up the big scab that had formed to my pants. Did I mention it was my favorite pair and now they're like my new painting pants? Dang.

I also almost decimated my iPhone. It was in my side pocket, only about 3 inches from where I landed on my knee. Luckily it's totally okay. As is Paxton, thank God.

It's almost time to wake my wee one up from naptime. He knew I was hurt and sad so he was very good for me. Let me buckle him in and went straight in the door at home, upstairs, peed by himself then grabbed a book and curled up in bed with no fuss. Though he did laugh at me when I went into his room, pantsless, to steal his Neosporin. He giggled and cried out "mommy's butt! haha!" But eh, I'd probably still do that to my mom today :)

Our new prefolds have arrived and are in their first dryer cycle, after their first wash cycle. Yay! They're so incredibly soft. I'm impressed! They weren't kidding about unbleached Indian prefolds being very soft. I would not ever put a Gerber prefold on a little baby unless I absolutely had to, but this? Dang! Why can't my underwear be made of this stuff?

Monday, February 2, 2009

*sniff sniff*


Only a few minutes ago I took my little boy potty before bringing him to his room for a nap. We've had a great, great day so far, with lots of happiness and love and manners and no tantrums. After a nice lunch he very kindly listened to me and went to the bathroom himself. He peed "like daddy does", so proud of himself with the biggest grin all over. Then he moved his step stool over after pulling his pants back up and washed his hands, dried them, brushed his teeth, got a cup of water and drank it, and then turned off the light and headed to his bedroom where he grabbed two books and curled up in bed with them, not even the slightest hint of a fuss.

So this begs the question...

Where is my real son and what did you do to him?

J/k, this is actually what I consider Paxton's "normal" temperament. If he's not tired, hungry, too hot/cold, or really upset over something, this is typically how he acts. Which is probably why it frustrates me to no end when we go through weeklong growth spurts where he's a total pain in the butt (that always happen during my period... hmmmmm...).


The baby room is nearing completion. We have several items on the way here in the mail, and a few I still need to pick up. Hopefully within the week we'll have our diaper and wipes shipments in, maybe have the wetbags in another week after that since I haven't ordered them yet. Since our prefolds will be new I'll be throwing them in the wash every time I'm washing something, so every other day with my normal wash and then every 3-4 days with Paxton's diapers. They'll need about 8-10 wash/dry cycles before they're really ready to use and I'd rather not waste water if I can help it.

There's another consignment sale, this time in Cary, coming up on Saturday. I need a diaper changing pad and pad covers. I should've bought the pad and 3 cover set I saw on Craigslist for $12 but eh, live and learn. I now have a nice changer/dresser for $30 and the wall organiser actually put on the wall (we borrowed mom's stud finder!). The glider is nestled in between the wall and the crib, will probably be moved out into the living room though. The crib still has too many toys in it, and I took the bassinet down and put it in its travel case, just to be ready in one area.

I'm getting excited. I've seen a lot of proof that we made the right choice with referral services, even if they end up taking a bit longer and even if we have to travel a long way. They're highly ranked, many other agencies I respect like them, and I keep hearing good things. Also they're big on AA adoptions, and from what I can tell on their forums everyone wants a girl just about. So maybe our little Baby A (boy's name) isn't all that far off...