What sounds longer?

18 weeks? 

Or 4 months?

When I was thinking "wow, I'm 18 weeks along!" this past Sunday I was really feeling like I was getting somewhere.  I mean, yeesh, that's almost halfway there!

But then on Monday, the 28th, I realized that Wiggles is due in 5 months, making me consider myself to be 4 months along.  And 4 months... just doesn't sound so impressive.

I mean, 18 weeks?  I've been counting since week 5!  I'm not only in the double digits, I'm about to move up into the 20's in a couple weeks!

But 4 months?  That's, like, barely second trimester.  Barely pregnant.  Just barely moving along.  Right at the beginning.  That's when people in tv shows and movies and stuff announce it and *then* you get to the actually pregnancy stuff.

So I'm going with weeks.  Makes it feel like I'm actually moving along. 

*****

I'm starting to get a belly.  It's not a cute belly.  Instead I have a puffy muffin top that cannot be hidden without pulling my pants up almost to bra level, which is actually quite comfy right now.  I can feel hardness under all the extra pudge, but it's not like your average person on the street can look at me and think I'm pregnant.  So I'm just rubbing my lower belly a lot.  Gotta send out my clues that I'm a pregnant lady, not just a pudgy chick eating her third breakfast of the morning at 10am  (I am voracious until lunch time). 

Funny thing is, I haven't gained any weight.  At first I was all like, "yay!  I'm just changing proportions!"  And then I realized that this probably just means that I've lost all the muscle mass I spent so long building up in my yoga and pilates sessions (that I'm not very good at, but at least I was trying!). 

*****

I'm back into full on locavore mode.  I totally lost that over the late Fall-early Spring period when there was almost nothing growing in NC except sweet potatoes.  I am so sick of sweet potatoes. 

But now my CSA box comes stocked with goodies every week, and I've just signed up with another CSA thingie that isn't just produce but also has pastas, breads, juices, jams, cereals, grains, soy products, dairy, etc all made in NC (and beer and wine, but we don't drink anyway :) ).  I'll get my first delivery next Friday.  And my favorite (expensive) garden store has a local farm stand by the cash register with cantaloupes that are actually ripe, and tomatoes and strawberries and cauliflower and squash and peaches and... yeah, I'm in heaven.  I went to the Farmer's Market this past Saturday and I easily dropped $40 and ate most of that right off.  Fresh bread!  Fresh fruit and veggies!  My Cinnamon and White Chocolate Chip Scone from La Farm! 

Have I mentioned my own garden?

Oooooh, I am loving our garden this year! 

My peach tree has peaches!  My strawberries spread all over and now I have a ton of strawberry plants, all moved to the sides.  I'll need to take a picture and post it because it just looks so nice right now, my little cinder block raised bed with strawberries, herbs and carrots growing in the small holes, and tomatoes, marigolds, basil and squash in the middle.  Then there's my 3 sisters garden.  P had a tiny 3 sisters that he kinda fell on, but it's doing okay (not sure any of the corn will make it), and around that I planted cantaloupe and green beans.  I also have our patio planters moved out to the patio finally, with flowers and peppers and a patio pumpkin and a tomato plant that was supposed to go in an upside down planter until it fell over too much and I gave up. 

Outside is so pretty and green with this permeating smell of happy tomatoes.  I'm finally getting the basics of soil down and my raised bed is growing fast, MUCH faster than last year with my 3 "good" plants haha!  I already have oodles of green tomatoes and many more flowers on the plants. 

I've had some trouble with my chickens scratching up the marigolds in the raised bed, and an adorable brown baby bunny in my back yard who ate my first wave of cantaloupes (there's a fence up now).  My garden still has a lot of tending needed, and a lot of growing to do.  We'll see how well I keep up with that :)

In the meantime, we're working to decide on patio furniture and figuring out how to finally attach our hammock chairs.  And looking at buying a minivan (sigh).  And planning a trip up North.  And trying to get through the last couple weeks of P's school.  And adjusting to the pregnancy thing.  And, well, lots of plans and things are being made and a schedule is building up and life is full and I'm excited, because it is full in a happy way! 

Now I just need to remember to take pics of my garden to share...

The Ultrasound

So I've been freaking out about the ultrasound.  Like, really, really freaking out.  Every day we got closer to the ultrasound was another day I was barely holding on to my sanity. 

Yesterday morning was the worst.

I managed to make myself relatively presentable, make sure the kids got to school, hold a few real conversations, and then.... freak out.  But at home at least.  And in the car.  And just a teensy bit at the hospital.

The birth center doesn't do their own ultrasounds so I got to go to a nearby hospital, which is actually a lot closer than the birth center :-P  Even so, the drive over there felt like forever, and I was so, so nervous.  Dropping stuff, repeating myself, sweating a bit.

I kept thinking, "what if my baby isn't alive?  What if there's no baby?  What if there is a baby, and the baby has no legs?  Or two heads?"  I was seriously envisioning my live with a baby who had no legs and two heads and how I'd probably have to form a support group and knit my own baby clothes, when Nik calmed me down.  Because he's awesome like that.

We didn't have to wait long in the lobby before being escorted back by a kind, funny, intelligent woman who did the ultrasound.  She was awesome.

And it was awesome.

And surreal.

And the baby?

The baby is fine.  And perfect.  Two little arms moving about, two little hands with all their fingers clenching and unclenching, two little legs with perfect fit kicking then crossing at the ankles, a bit ole head with a cute nose and a developing brain, a strong, healthy beating heart, a perfect spine and organs and lots of movement.

And girl bits.  Can't forget the girl bits.

I know rule of thumb is that if they say it's a boy it's a boy, and if they say it's a girl it might still be a boy.  But I've been feeling it's a girl since the beginning, so it wasn't a shock but rather a confirmation when she went all around her little legs and said, "yup, that's a girl alright!" 

It was so surreal, so incredible.  This is a baby, a real, live, perfect baby, and she's inside of me!  How bizarre is that?  Maybe it's because I'm not showing yet and I'm still wearing my normal clothes, but it's still really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that there is a little person living in me.  In a way, seeing it on the screen didn't help.  I'm laying there staring awestruck at my child as she plays with her mouth and moves to lay on her side, trying all the while to internalize the fact that what I'm seeing is currently happening within my body.  It just seems too perfect and wonderful....

We weren't allowed to take pictures there, and they didn't give us as many as we'd like, but I did get a few cute pics to share.  They aren't as awesome as actually seeing it all happen in front of you, in the moment, with movement and heartbeat.  But they're still a baby :)  And I loooove to share pics of my babies!

From the side, one arm up that had been playing with her face.  Must be kind of boring in there...

From the front, which is a really freaky view.  She was opening and closing her mouth and we couldn't stop laughing (in the "awe, she's so cute!" way).

One of my printed out pics (so a picture of a picture).  Baby girl's hand :)

So all is well.  As soon as we were ready to go the ultrasound tech needed everything checked off by the doctor.  He informed us that he, personally, would like a better picture of her heart and wants us back at 20 weeks.  Fine by us :)  One more ultrasound in 3 weeks, which we'll be bringing P to.  I'll still be nervous, but hopefully not as nervous as this time.  And we can ask for a gender confirmation then I'm sure. 

So... yeah.  We're excited.  And happy.  There's a baby!  A real baby in there!  How awesome is this?  Yay!

We celebrated with burritos, because we're classy like that :) 

Now I just need to be patient for another 23 weeks (so long!) before I can finally hold and meet this little one :)

Next Week...

A week from today, Monday morning, I'm going in for our first (possibly only) ultrasound.  This will be the anatomy scan that tells us a lot about the baby's health.  I'm already obsessing over it!  A week from now might very well be one of the greatest days of my life, seeing the tiny being living inside of me up on a monitor, hearing that all is going well, hearing a clear heartbeat, getting pictures to share, maybe even knowing the gender.

But I am firmly in the realm of "know too much."  I've seen too many people go through too much sorrow to believe absolutely that our first ultrasound will bring us nothing but joy. 

I mean, yes, all appears to be going well, and the random flutters I feel at night are probably a good indication that all will be just fine.  And the odds are firmly in our favor, of course.

But there's always that possibility... a heart defect that requires intense medical care, a diagnosis of something life threatening, perhaps even something worse... we won't know.

And even if there is something "off," even if there's only a theory of something "off," then that still will lead to constant worry and more waiting and testing.

So I'm scared about this ultrasound.  I'm scared to find out that there's something wrong.

But I'm also excited.  Excited to get a glimpse of our baby and hopefully see that all is well.

I can't wait until next Monday and yet I am still dreading it so much!

I think I may just have to consume ice cream and chocolate (ooo, or both!) to overcome this hurdle :)

*****

In other preggo news, a friend of mine is going to become certified as a doula and is looking for clients due in the Fall.  I'm very, very tempted...  I may just have to join in on that!  Currently my birth plan is "have baby" and that's about it, so I guess having someone along who has actually given birth before and is trained in helping others give birth would be great.  And maybe vital :-P

*****

In non-preggo news (I always hated the word "preggo" until recently), school is almost over!

Tomorrow is a PTA meeting, and it's either the last or second to last.  I won't be a Chair again in the Fall, but I've agreed to still be involved in the committee and help out whoever becomes the new Chair of Hospitality. 

The day after is the preschool's end of year potluck followed by the meeting where everyone votes "aye" on everything, like next year's calendar.  I'm really going to miss the preschool group this summer, but I'm glad we're going back next year!  Sometimes I wonder if the preschool is more for my kid or for me... it's so much fun and everyone involved is just wonderful!

Next week A will finish up his preschool year.  Then I get 2 more weeks until P finishes up Kindergarten.

And then... it's the summer.  Our Summer Trio.  And I'm excited, and also a bit sad.  The kids will both be sad to end their school years, and I am as well.  I do truly enjoy the people I've come into contact with at their schools, and I really enjoy seeing how happy my children are and how much they grow in these loving environments.

Even so, I'm excited about day trips to the zoo or beach, and playdates, and naps, oh the naps, and just hanging out with my boys.  They've become such great friends, really interacting so well most of the time.  How lucky am I to have two little boys beg to just play with each other in the backyard?  I just sit on the deck, wind blowing in my hair, with an apple and water and iPhone and watch them run and laugh and play with each other while I snap pictures and, um, check FaceBook.   :)  Also the chickens are cute and usually at least one comes over to try and steal my food, or get a cuddle.

*****

Okay, time to get back to reality for a bit.  Need to pick up a little and figure out where my husband is :-P  and maybe stand up from the computer chair!

Expecting Failure...

Total TMI zone here.  Consider yourself warned!

*

*

*

I'm crampy.

I'm crampy and I'm emotional and I'm leaking weird stuff all the time.

And you know what? 

It feels like I'm getting my period. 

I am now 15 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  I have been expecting heavy bleeding for the past 10+ weeks.  I rushed to the bathroom every hour (or less) at first, both because, well, I have to pee a lot but also because I was so, so certain I was bleeding.

Now I'm a lot slower.  I feel cramps.  I feel aches.  I hurt.  I have to pee but I'm actually believing in this now, actually loving this child, actually really truly hoping to hold my new baby in my arms this Fall... and I don't want to see blood.

So I finally make myself sit on the toilet and I sit there, trying to calm myself, just doing my business but *knowing* that I feel damp down there and *knowing* that it both feels and smells like period and *knowing* that it feels like I'm going to wipe and there'll be blood and clots and ick and awful and crying and tears and sorrow....

And then there isn't.

It's just hormones that smell like that, and extra amniotic fluid and mucus leaking out all the time.  And the cramps?  That's because my uterus is growing and growing and will likely soon be giving me preggo belly.

I've only seen blood on toilet paper a handful of times these past 10 weeks.  A couple of teeny spots and one wipe where the mucus was somewhat pink (on April Fools Day, which was not lost on me).  Since I have a huge cervical polyp and some bleeding is totally normal anyway this is all within the realm of the expected.

I'm 15 weeks.  I shouldn't be this scared.  But I am. 

I am still having trouble believing that there is an actual *person* inside of me.  A growing baby that got in there without even trying, which we had fully believed to be impossible.  I *want* this but yet believing that it's real just doesn't seem, well, possible. 

Maybe I'll feel this way the whole pregnancy.  I was so guarded with the boys' adoptions, perhaps that's just how I handle things.  Or maybe once my tummy is big and the babe is kicking I'll get over it (or have a new set of worries!). 

I don't know. 

In the mean time... I need to pee, and I don't wanna!!!

The Slacker Housewife

Sooo, I actually have to work lately.  And that stinks!  I HATE actually having to, you know, cook and clean and such.  Why can't I just hang out at children's museums and zoos all day with my cute kids?  Yeesh...

So right now it's Teacher's Appreciation Week, which I'm all about.  Teachers are seriously under appreciated and over worked so I'm more than happy to step up and help bring a little bit of joy and recognition into their lives. 

That being said, I had to arrange a breakfast this morning (I'll be going to clean up in a couple hours), have a luncheon at A's preschool Weds where I'm arranging all the potluck meals, and have a Luncheon at P's school on Friday which is catered but I'll be there the whole time (3 hours) making sure things go well. 

I probably mentioned that I put A in school for 4 mornings a week for the last month of school.  I just have so much that needs to get done!  I won't accomplish all of it (still waiting on seeds to grow before I can plant some of the garden) but I've already got a lot done.  I've steam vac'd most of the house, cleaned most of our closet and both the boys closets (and rooms!), organized a few drawers, got rid of a carload of stuff to a local thrift store, and honestly I'm accomplishing a lot of things I just haven't had time to do.

I'm proud of myself, really.  I have irises planted and a garden growing and clean floors and organized closets and I'll probably actually get to deep clean the bathrooms at this rate and, hey, I pruned the trees and most of the bushes! 

But I'm tired.  I mean, I'm a lazy person anyway, really sedentary, but now?  I'm. So. Tired.  I want to sleeeeep!  I've been sleeping so much at night, so long in the morning, and even conking out for naps. 

I'll persevere, I know.  I'll have a cleaned out kitchen and cleaned bathrooms and an organized linen closet, etc etc, probably by the end of the week.  And that will make me feel mentally better and will make life so much easier this summer, when I'll really only have time for basic cleaning during the week. 

Even so, sometimes it's so hard to resist the siren call of Facebook and celebrity gossip sites.... so, so, hard... maybe just one more peek... :)