Sunday, March 29, 2009


I think I'll post about putting together our first carepackage to Pax's Ethiopian family later. Suffice it to say it's... hard. Very, very emotional and that's probably why it's taken us so long to actually do. Hopefully it will be mailed out by the end of the week.


On the pumping front, I was experiencing a draught in a sense, but I'm not stressing. I'll stress when there's a hungry baby! The last couple sessions seemed to be improving however. I think I'm making almost enough for a one day old (acc to what I've seen) but not nearly enough for a one week old, and not even close to enough for a one month old. Hopefully in the time it takes to find our next child my supply will increase to the point of being able to sustain our child.

A few things I've experienced: my nipples don't hurt nearly as much now. It's amazing! There's a little pinch right at the beginning of pumping when milk is literally spurting out of them, but after that it's all good. They were really uncomfortable and sore/bruised feeling for a few weeks but now they're feelin' just fine :) The unfortunate thing is this need to nurse every 3 hours or so. I've been advised to do every 1.5-2 hrs but, um... hehe... I'm lazy :) So it's every 2.5-3 hrs and once at night. Yeah, you heard me. For the past couple nights I've woken pretty much at 4am on the dot ready to nurse. Yesterday morning I didn't get up and couldn't really get back to sleep then had almost no supply all day. This morning I had everything set up and just went to the dining room and ate some Cheerios and played Mahjong on my iPhone for 15 minutes while I pumped. I got back to sleep quickly and soundly, and had a much better supply today (like a ml difference, hehe!).

I'm thinking about trying to get someone from LLLI or triangle nursing mothers over here to help me out and answer a few questions. I'm feeling more... zen now. I'm getting endorphins a lot! Also I'm feeling far more maternal today. I had wanted to see whether I could fit a tiny newborn into a Maya wrap or not so I looked up how to do that online. Then I practiced with Paxton's baby doll. I took one look in the mirror to make sure it looked like the picture online and BAM, I was leaky :) And cooing and weepy and mushy and a little achy. And now I know how to safely carry a little baby close to me to feed and be kept warm and safe. That makes me feel pretty darn happy :)

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Consignment sale energy!

I wish I was this zealous about, iunno, cleaning or something.

I found a wetbag! A huge, extra large, great condition drawstring wetbag. Our other XL wetbags don't fit my nice $2 diaper pail, but this $12 wetbag is gigantic on it! Also a fitted OS cloth diaper for $6, maybe going back for more fitteds of specific sizes. A couple pieces of clothes, tons of nursing supplies, some books and some HS supplies.


I'm REALLY enjoying homeschooling so far. I'm literally shocked by how much Paxton is absorbing. I mean just shocked! Our lesson on plants still sits with him and he's so happy to tell you what in the yard is a plant. This week it was taste (next week might be touch) and he loves pointing out everyone's tastebuds and how they help you taste. He's already learning his letters. He knows all his upper case and can sing the alphabet, though sometimes after K he'll count to 10. He knows many of his lowercase letters. He's learning to count to 20 now. He's actually starting to write numbers and letters, like P and T and 2 and 5, and I and 1 are just easy of course :) He's memorizing books, some word for word, and reading them to himself with voice inflections. He's even singing some songs finally! And every time we sit down and have a lesson he actually LEARNS something. I didn't expect that! I thought he'd be storing like 30% of the information away and pulling it out at a later time, but no, he's actually very, very excited to be learning new things and is fine with learning a new subject. I always wished to be blessed with a child who had a love of learning, and we were most certainly thus blessed :)


Pumping is soooooo much easier with the electric pump. I can see why everyone laughed at me and said not to use the manual. With the manual I was getting bruised, it felt frustrating, and I was hurting more and more each time. With the PIS I'm still getting about as much milk, no more, but it feels better each time, like it's repairing the damage wrought by the manual. I don't feel bruised and any pain stops after a few seconds (the initial "OMG my nipples!" goes away faster and faster). I need to start pumping sometime in the night I know. I'm such a wuss! I don't wanna do it! But I will. I woke up at 4am with achy boobs today and just kept waking up afterwards. I guess I'll have the pump beside the bed maybe.


All of the videogame sequels I'm longing for aren't coming out anytime in the foreseeable future :( This makes me sad. I suppose I should save that for my ladyofmoonlight LJ account though. Trying to stay family only over here and me only over there!


I've been a mom almost a year and a half. I finally feel like I have it down. I relate to other moms, my child plays frequently and well with other children, and I feel completely settled and comfortable in my own skin. I didn't even realize how uncomfortable I felt until I reached this more recent zen and looked back on it. This second adoption we're embarking on doesn't seem scary, the thought of adding another fills me with delite and not fear, and despite all the hard times and even the times I end up being a witch I'm still so, so happy to spend my days with my son. Our marriage is thriving, Paxton is thriving, our friendships are growing, and as individuals we're all feeling well and at least mostly fulfilled. I just had to record that feeling before something happens, as something ultimately will, that throws us off kilter again. But it's a great feeling, to look back at my life and realize it's just been getting better and better. I'm very, very, very lucky :)


I needed to share this before I forgot again, as I don't think I wrote it down when it happened and I didn't want it to be lost to my mommy brain.

A week or two ago Paxton was on a playground. I don't recall exactly what happened (run and bump heads? Seesaw accident?) but somehow both Paxton and another child got hurt at the same time. Not huge hurt, but enough to except a good minute of tears. Both grabbed their heads and started crying. I rushed to Paxton. Paxton, crying and clutching his head, rushed to the other child and through his tears said "y'okay?" and checked that child's head. I was blown away to the point of almost crying myself. Paxton was reacting 100% on gut instinct. He was hurt and crying and clutching his head in pain and his #1 concern was... the well being of another who was in equal pain.

My God, I don't think I've ever been more proud of my son. It's moments like this that I feel truly show the heart of a person and I'm so, so proud to call him my own and to have a glimpse into who my little child is and will hopefully someday be.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Aaaaah, progress!


I'm sort of "weaning" Paxton when it comes to naps. I did the same thing this time last year I think! He'd been falling asleep in my arms but suddenly that freaked him out and he's shriek in terror. I had to hold him still in my arms or else he wouldn't fall asleep. Over a few weeks I got him to lay in bed while I held him tight until he fell asleep. Then I'd stay beside him and resist holding him still for longer and longer until he fell asleep. Then eventually I wouldn't touch him at all. Then I moved up to the couch on the other side of his room so I was still there as he fell asleep. Then once he was falling asleep consistently with me not near him I started leaving the room after a set time, earlier and earlier. Eventually we got to the point where he'd just go into his bedroom by himself, flop in bed with a book, and fall asleep with absolutely no intervention from me.

When he regressed during Nik's time off he regressed in naps too, by about a year. Now we're sort of fast forwarding through that process, with some days of him going to sleep normally (ie, just flopping in bed with a book) and some days of him fighting it, but mostly following the same progression from last year only much quicker. The past two days we did the "mom sits on the other side of the room" thing. It was awesome! He fell asleep so fast and I was so low stress. That's how I want sleep to be, fun and positive and calm and low stress. He sleeps better that way and we're all happier that way (though taking a stressful nap is still better for him than having a calm day with no nap!).

Since so much of my parenting seems wrapped up in his naps I'm obviously quite pleased with this. I've also been able to take two hardcore 2 hour naps this week, on Monday and Wednesday, and I had coffee this morning. I'm not normally this awake by Thursday! I'd go walk in the park or something with all this energy but it's yucky out, and gonna be that way for the next week or so.


I joined a mom's group,, a few weeks ago and I love it. I just suggested to another mom (new to the area) that she join. They're supportive, caring and fun, and really laid back. That's the big reason I resisted mom groups at first. The ones I saw seemed, well, stuck up. Maybe it's the part of Raleigh I was in, I don't know. They were very exclusive, a few people talking to me until they realized I wasn't in their group then moving away. And all white of course, which makes me a bit uncomfortable for Paxton's sake.

This time around, though, the moms I'm meeting are very nice, very inclusive, very open minded and very easy to talk to. I wish I'd had this support months ago! Not that I didn't have any at all, but still...

And it's very, very nice to be part of a homeschool group where the kids are Paxton's age and the parents are all nice and knowledgeable. No one double takes when I mention cloth diapers! OMG! And nursing and baby wearing are common! Wow!

Oh, and Nik's doing great at his new job and they really appreciate him. Just had to add that as, all in all, life is going pretty well right now and knowing that it can switch pretty quickly I just have to make sure we appreciate each wonderful moment :)

In order to give myself something to post....

-My new pump should show up sometime today and the girls are quite pleased with this. Milk is coming out easier but the manual really does hurt them after awhile.

-Lost was actually better than I anticipated. Like, a lot better. So I'm happy again.

-A favorite fanfiction of mine has updated 4 times in 2 days. They were updating like 1ce every 2-3 weeks. And it's still really good.

-My mother and I are totally nuts and on Saturday she'll be picking me up at 7am to go to the fairgrounds for another consignment sale, the last of these that I'll be going to probably until May. But there are still yardsales to go to...

-My kid has been happy pretty much all week. We had 1 bad day last week, and some whiney spells so far this morning but really it's like I have my normal, happy, cuddly and intelligent son back. To say that I'm thankful would be an understatement.

-I picked up a lot of stuff at a consignment sale Tuesday, including lots of HS stuff.

-I'm debating taking Paxton to the library or not. He's too old technically, but the teacher and several of the parents say they like it when we come. I'll definitely be going to the gym for tot time though.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Ooo Ooo Ooo!

Manual pump or no, I'm actually getting somewhere! Seriously, even a few days ago just a drop was enough to send me over the moon, and two was like heaven. Now I'm not only making enough to make a little puddle, now I'm actually getting some into the bottle! Like, a noticeable amount! No it's not nearly enough to feed an infant, but it's certainly a vast improvement.

On another note, I was a dope this afternoon. I told Nik that while the amount wasn't going up exponentially, it did seem to be just about doubling with every pump.
Nik looked at me like I was an idiot. Stupid math major husband...
I also told him we needed to get the carseat out of Paxton's car and move it to his. He laughed at that. I didn't see what was so funny. Have you seen this car lately? The carseat, diaper bag, stroller, extra jackets, blankets, snacks, arts and crafts projects, books, toys, and activity sheets waiting to go? Not to mention the messes of used tissues, dried mud on the floor, numerous dried up flowers, pricklies and mushrooms, and maybe a rock or stick here and there, all of which we had to take with us or else there'd be a major meltdown and then were instantly forgotten. Yeah, honey, it's not my car anymore. I just drive it.

Well, dang

WARNING: More talk about nursing/lactation/TMI stuff...

I'm totally lactating. It's awesome.

The domperidone has definitely worked. After just over a week of taking a half dose (10mg 4x a day) I started pumping. With a manual pump. A cheap manual pump.

And it's working.

No, not enough to freeze. Not even enough to make it in the bottle yet. But it's increasing with every pump, noticeably so, and it's coming from both sides and not just the right. And it's milk. Honest to God milk.

And man do I ache!

I finally broke down and had my mom get me an electric pump off Ebay, to be repaid for tonight. I hope it comes in soon since it looks like I'll be pumping several times a day (I have too! they need it!), and the suction on my little manual pump is just not near good enough. Seriously, my hand does just about as good a job on the right one.

There are so many odd things I'm noticing now. Like how thirsty I get when I pump, like absolutely parched. And how much I want protein, tofu, soy, constantly. And how I now for some reason actually prefer healthier foods, like my body, iunno, needs this extra nutrition or something.

And OMG the endorphins! They're awesome! Seriously, it's like I'm just basking after a pumping session. Whoo!

The only downside? If I can't pump on time I'm uncomfortable for a bit (I don't get why, only a minuscule amount is actually coming out of me), and Paxton really, really, really wants to pump himself. I pump his tummy for him and he giggles. But it's still kinda rough to have a preschooler stealing my barely-sealed pump out of my hands every minute trying to use it on himself, all while holding his shirt up and wapping at his little boy nipple and saying "I'mma pump me now please?"

K, it's actually time for a pumping (again, heh) before we go to my parents in half an hour. Whee!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Back to normal

These past few days Paxton has been... wonderful.

A dream.

A doll.

Oh Lordy, please don't let this end!

Now that we're back on a normal schedule at home (with Nik going to work) I have my nice, happy, reasonable son back. I cannot express how happy I am! My God, my child is saying please and thank you, listening when I reprimand, says I'm sorry and gives hugs, says he loves me, is using the potty just fine, napping alright (except for today), and is just generally happy and thoughtful and loving and considerate and just easy to live with.

I could run down a list of positives but let's just say this: even though he still does bad things, even though he still throws toys here and there, and is mean sometimes to me other other kids, or disrupts storytime, or acts out a bit... he's still an angel compared to how he was. He's a normal kid again and I can so handle that.

And tonight he helped me make ravioli. It was awesome :)

Sunday, March 15, 2009


My husband is wonderful :)

Last night Nik fell asleep around 9pm. Booooo! He was pretty exhausted after letting me sleep in all morning, so I guess I can't blame the poor guy. He pretty much passed out on the couch and I played around online for a couple hours, on blogs and SecondLife.

When I finally went upstairs he came up with me and dreamily mentioned that he could get up with Paxton and let me sleep in again since he would've slept for like 10 hours by the time Paxton got up. Oooo, I was pleased!

I slept till 9:20 when Nik got me up. He didn't even try to make our customary blueberry pancakes (good husband!) but did take good care of our little one. We got to church a bit early, dropped Nik off in nursery (he volunteered) and kept Paxton as quiet as possible during church until it was time for Godly Play. I got to enjoy a nice, quiet church service then picked up my boys and headed home. Nik entertained wee one while I made quesadillas, then got him upstairs and ready to feast. We all ate together, then my darling husband got Paxton ready for nap himself and sat with him while he was asleep, allowing me to start laundry and take a niiiiice, looooong shower!

Now Pax is sleeping, I'm happy and clean, and Nik's made a breakthrough on where he wants to go with his next D&D game. So we're all happy, and planning to have fun later tonight when we got to my mom's for dinner. Renata's making cheesecake!

It's just a quiet, rainy Sunday and all is well in our world :)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Just a quickie

-He's been better about sleeping lately. The last few days I've asked if he wanted me to hold his hands down. Today he said no and fell asleep just holding my hand. Yesterday and the day before he said "yes, just a little bit" and positioned himself for me and fell asleep that way. I get that it's calming and that feeling restrained is equal to feeling safe for many children, but if he is weaning himself off of it again then, well, yay! Let's all hope for him continuing to voice his wants and falling asleep peacefully.
-We cut all his hair off today. He cried and tried to talk the man out of it. Poor thing! Now he thinks it's all cool, and we saw my mom (and aunt and uncle) for lunch and he got a prize and lots of yummy food. His eyes look so huge now!
-We're seeing my sister-in-law and youngest nephew in a couple hours. It'll be the first time Paxton sees any of his cousins. I'm kinda excited!
-The lady we were trying to match with has lost contact with the agency.
-I finally emailed a woman I should've emailed months ago, who works in adoption law here and is a big name. My mom used to know her and highly recommends her, but I was afraid that big name=big money and not as much of a personal experience. At this point? I think I should've emailed her months ago.
-I'm reading yet another Diana Wynn Jones book, "Deep Secret," and already I like it. I read "The Merlin Conspiracy" first without knowing that it was a bit of a follow up from this book so I already know a bit of what will happen. I feel so much happier now that I'm reading again. It's so relaxing! I just need to find more authors where I can get through a whole novel. Looks like I'm stuck with "young adult" for the time being :)

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A message...

Do my dearest child,

Why, oh why, do you fight sleep?

You know you're tired. I know you're tired. After your various meltdowns at the children's museum today followed by screaming and crying on the way back to the car half of Raleigh knows you're tired. You even admit it to me.

So why do you fight it?

We both know the reason, I suppose. Like many small babies, you like to be restrained when falling asleep. Not every time, no. In fact you stopped wanting that altogether months ago and have been good about falling asleep on your own. But lately you've been less sure of yourself, what with your daddy suddenly being home a lot and then suddenly going back to work a few weeks later. Your world is a bit off right now and understandably you've regressed a bit and need to test me a bit and need a bit more reassurance. I used "bit" four times in the last sentence.

Well, son, here's a newsflash for you: I hate restraining you. I feel icky inside. I worry someone will see me holding a three year old child down to a bed while he wails a bit and will get the wrong idea. Sure I'm fine with holding you tight in my arms, but I just feel wrong having to hold you down to a bed, even if you actually told me today that this was what you wanted.

So can we stop this now? Because I just don't feel right doing it, and you're a big enough boy that you should understand that you can lay in my arms or just hold my hand or even sleep in my bed beside me if that's what you need. In fact, if you could stop rejecting all those options and maybe pick one I'd vastly prefer it.

Also it's a bit annoying, but the icky feeling is a bit more prevailing than annoyance.

As a side note, my son, would you mind taking a long nap like you did yesterday? I'm sure you're going to wake up in an hour or so, bleary eyed and angry and spitting and hitting, and quite frankly I'd prefer that not happen. So how about you let momma get her nice nap and you get a nice nap, and then we both wake up happy and refreshed in two hours and spend an afternoon blissfully playing at the park then at home with daddy. Sound good?

I hope that tomorrow you can do what you did yesterday and return to your days of falling asleep with a book for nap. I'm sure the extra brightness now isn't helping any, but if you could please at least consider it? Please?

Your's truly,

Monday, March 9, 2009

Nuthin' much going on

Got our profile scanned and converted to PDF yesterday, then looked over and emailed off today. Hopefully it was alright. Nik's boss is supportive of the adoption so that's good.

It's HOT now. This time last week it was freezing, I was passed out under the covers with a fever, and there was snow covering the ground. For the last few days we've been going to the park in the hot, hot sun. Today was awesome, going to two parks. I got to wear capris and flip flops, and Paxton donned shorts, a tank and crocs. He ran around shoeless in the giant sandbox and all over the playground equipment. And oh man do my lungs feel better after being in the sunny warm air!

I'm not sure if it's suddenly being healthy, the adoption possibility, the quick change in weather or daylight savings, but I'm sooooo thrown off. In a positive way, mind you. I'm like in a blissful silliness right now, where I feel a little out of it but I'm quite happy all the same. I LOVE warm nights. I just have trouble sleeping in them is all. This is something I forget every year until it's summer again, and then I have to readjust sleeping since I'm so much better at it when I'm cold. I tend to overheat at night, but I also tend to freezy my patootie off if I'm not bundled up tight when I fall asleep, so hot nights can prove troublesome unless I want to spend a fortune on AC. It's like 77 in the house now. We've been trying to keep it above 70 for months and now we don't have anything running and it's peeeerfect.

I'm hoping this isn't a sign that we'll have another crazy hot summer!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Dear Lord! I'm healthy!

Apparently sleeping really, really late yesterday morning and then taking it easy for the rest of the day, including a nice late date with my husband (we saw Watchmen!), did wonders. I still have a bit of the cough but I FEEL normal again. Woohoo! First time in a week!

Paxton has been fighting naps hardcore, and I'd let him go napless except he still really needs them. Honestly, the harder he fights the more tired he is. Today he woke up at 7, which would be great except it was daylight savings so that was actually an hour earlier than normal for him. He was angry and whiney and just being hard all morning. We expected that today so it wasn't an issue, but man did he need a nap. He was so tired! And he fought it so hard. I had to literally hold him down on the bed until he fell asleep. I've had to do that a couple times this week, for the first time since last summer probably. I hate it :( I know some kids feel safer restrained and I think that's what it is with him since the second I try to pull away he'll yank me right back and try to get me to hold him down. I just wish he wouldn't cry if that was what he wanted though. Hopefully he'll be back to falling asleep peacefully soon. Right now I'm just glad he's asleep at all.

Looking forward to Sunday night dinner at my parents and seeing Renata for the first time in awhile. I can't wait to play bridge! I get such an adrenaline rush with cards. I'm a major geek :)

Saturday, March 7, 2009


Seeing as how I've been sick, the economy is in the pooper, and my husband has just started a new job, we've opted to do the wisest thing we could: request to be shown to an expectant parent making an adoption plan for her child.

Yeah, I know, timing.

Nik's going to talk to his new boss on Monday about it. The baby isn't due until mid April but Nik's on a 90 day contract-to-hire. He wouldn't get any paid time off, but that's not the issue. The issue is whether he'd get any time off at all. While we certainly put family first, being able to feed a family in this economy is pretty important and we'd like for Nik to stay employed. Hopefully since this would be in NC and we wouldn't need to travel, Nik would be able to take a couple days off and then return to work full time. Honestly I think I'd want my mother with me for the first week or two, just to watch Paxton since he's so besotted with her.

Obviously we have nooooo idea whether or not we'd be picked or whether or not it would work out. But on the other hand... as soon as the information came over email my heart lept into my throat and I reread over and over and then waited impatiently for half an hour until Nik arrived at home before I could email back about our interest.

You never know, right? This could be it. Or this could not be it. Or this could look like it and then she changes her mind, but then we end up using the agency again to find our next child. Or whatever.

We'll just have to wait until Monday when Nik speaks with his new boss to really feel comfortable with it. Until then I want to change a few of the pics in our profile and I need to scan it in and convert it to PDF. I also ought to contact our HS agency about Nik's new job and ask for an addendum. No idea if they'll charge us, probably will with our luck but it's worth it if we have to do it anyway.

Either way... I'm excited. And my son's down for a nap. Funny how that always makes me so happy.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Sick sick sick...

I normally have one big "sickness" a year. Last year it was a flu that lasted over a week and included a few totally bedridden days and many hallucinations. It was almost exactly the same time as this year.

On Sunday Paxton came down with a sore throat and a case of the tired. Some tylenol and rest made it all better. Nik got it too. It was just a 12-24 hour bug, nothing major. Some coughs, a runny nose, a scratchy throat, nothin' big at all.

But then I got it. And I've been sick since Sunday night.

I normally feel a little sick when it snows, and it did snow that night and it stayed for a few days. Maybe it's some sort of internal flashback to my youth in Maine but snow gives me cold like symptoms anyway. Then there's my period which always decreases my immune system. Then there's the fact that I'm a stay at home mom caring for Mr. Nutso all day. He hates it when I'm sick, scares him, so I push myself to sit up, speak normally, try to act as normal as possible, etc. Not conducive to getting better, y'know?

I had a low grade fever for a few days, too. I'm normally 96.8-97.4 but I was at 99.2-100.3 for a few days. So miniscule but I felt so different. I've also had trouble sleeping. I didn't get to sleep until 3am sunday night/Monday morning, then woke up at 3:30am on Monday night/Tuesday morning. Yesterday I woke up at 4:50am and today it was 5:20am. Getting more normal. I'm just falling asleep in the afternoons. Even having trouble eating, hehe, which for me must mean I'm sick.

So, yeah. There's the past week. I don't want to go into Paxton's sudden hyperactivity or defiance which always appears when I'm sick (hey, his Amaye died of illness, how could I blame him for getting worried?). Let's just say I forgive my son and I hope that in the future he'll understand that when mommy's sick she's very, very likely to get better with rest.

I just hope I get over it soon! I'm so sick of this! I can't really cook because it makes me kinda woozy and I'm pretty much sleeping from the time Nik gets home onwards. At least his new job (!!!) gave him a work laptop so we are able to watch videos in bed together, and he's being so great about it.

I'm just so sick of being sick! I hate it! I want to visit friends but I can't because I don't want to get them sick. I want to go to the kid's museum but it's always so crowded that there's no way I could avoid contact with other small kids. At least the library was okay, where I was able to hide at the back of the room during storytime, and the park is fine since Paxton (who's all healthy) can go play while I hang out on a far off bench in the open air. But it's best if we stay at home and he hates being stuck at home and I hate it when he hates something and we just run around in angry circles all unhappy and sneezy and such and.. ugh! I'm ready for this to be over!!!

In better news, I've started "lessons" with Paxton. Three books each followed by a short activity, then followed by some craft. Its my intro to homeschooling in a sense. For me more than him. Paxton LOVES lessons. I mention them and he runs and grabs the lessons bag (my old Sunday School bag chock full of supplies) and drags it to the center of the room, then flops down with a huge grin on his face and waits for me to begin. Such a cutie! I'm going to go put something together now. I'm really dreading our "warm up" though. I think I can get through one "head, shoulders knees and toes" before I fall over. And maybe two push ups though all he does is crawl under me anyway and say he's in a tunnel.