Monday, August 24, 2009


So it's a blah day. Not a bad day, not a good day, and not a bleh day, but like a blahblahblah just get through it day. It had its good points and its bad points and its veeeeeeeery bad points ("Paxton, I'm gonna.... I'm gonna.... I'm gonna eat some ice cream and I'm not going to share!" Yeah, you go witty stressed out mom!).

I spent too much $ on groceries. Been doing that lately, though it seems to be worth it. Physically I haven't felt this good for a long time. No IBS, no acid reflux, no blood sugar issues, etc. I'm eating plenty of fruits and veggies, getting protein in various non-meaty forms, lots of calcium, and taking my multi-vitamins on time daily. To think me who stayed away from anything in pill form for the longest time! Daily I chomp down 12 domperidone, 2 vit D, 3 Calcium, a multi, an iron, a folic acid and a lecithin, though I had 2 yesterday as a blockage was starting (and was stomped right out!). I cap it off at night with a Benadryl and Tylenol to sleep, then take my wake up med in the form of yummy ummy instant Kava coffee (loaded with splenda). I'm somewhat unintentionally lowering my carb intake. Not taking it too seriously, though I'm trying not to eat too many breads and I feel much better because of it. Today I did my normal 2 smallish lunches. First lunch was 1/2 a cantaloupe with some fat free cottage cheese slopped inside (yuuuuuum!). Second lunch was a small bowl of chick peas with feta and a few handfuls of plump blueberries. My tummy felt nice :)

I'm trying to remain unstressed. There's a baby our agency is trying to place. I'm pretty sure that all 5 families waiting for an African American newborn will ask to be shown, giving us a 1 in 5 chance of having a new child soon. I don't want to think about it. I'm just planning my life like it won't happen, since odds say it won't, and I'll just continue on as I can. I'm just... I don't even want to hope. It won't change anything, will it? If this child is meant to be ours then she'll be ours and at this point there's nothing I can do other than request to be shown. Nik is more stressed about it than I am. I was so stressed about the last one. That really took a toll on me. That situation actually felt like IT. This time I'm not letting myself feel it. We'll just have to wait and see.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Some days my heart just aches for the baby that isn't yet ours. It hurt like this for Paxton, and it hurts like it again now. The baby likely isn't born, likely won't be born for a long time, may even possibly not be conceived yet. Still... I miss this child. My heart hurts. My arms, even when wrapped around my precious son, still feel like they're missing all that they should be holding. Our nights are too quiet, our mornings too calm. The dull sound of the pump is grating and thankless, the nursery is gathering dust. I'm wondering if I should wash the baby clothes again, make sure they're clean. I'll definitely need to clean the linens.

Most days, most hours, most minutes, most seconds, I am truly optimistic. It WILL happen, we are already so blessed that we shouldn't focus on what we lack currently and rest confident in knowing that we are lucky people and that things will all go as they must go. It will be us someday, it will be our family, and then, it will be the right time and the right child and the right situation and even in the chaos of a new baby we will be alright and it will all have happened perfectly, just as it did the first time around.

But today, like some days or some hours or some minutes or some seconds, I am sad.

I miss our child, our second beloved child. I want to feel the soft weight of a warm baby in my arms, feel him or her nuzzled to my breast, soft breaths fleeting against my skin in the all consuming sleep of a tiny person. I want to hear the cry, the coos, the bubbles. I WANT to change diapers, I WANT to get up in the middle of the night to a warm beloved child and not a cold, monotonous pump. I want to take the love overstuffing my heart and pour it out upon our newest, our second, our baby.

I just wish I could get it all out of my system before Paxton wakes up, which is bound to be in seconds. I'm too antsy today. Maybe it's a sign, likely it's not.

I just miss our baby.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Just Another Sunday...

I keep taking too long between postings. There's always just so much to write! I feel like my iPhone camera is capturing the moments pretty well, at least those with Paxton, but it misses a lot of things. Like the Paxisms! I love it when he asks for "some any" or "any some" of something. For example: "Please I want any some bread?" Hehe, cutie! He's been drawing smiley faces and shapes and pre-letters, coloring in the lines, following directions, and picking up a whole new set of vocabulary words like "rather" and "second" (after first). I am always being told that people think he's 4 already. Just a few more months and he will be! Time is flying so much!

Nik and I are discussing our future plans for family building. I always saw myself with 2 by birth, 3 by adoption. Nik didn't have a particular plan but wanted no more than two by birth and definitely a couple by adoption, so my plan seems okay to him :) We're going to go for the 3 by adoption first it looks like, then maybe try fertility treatments while I'm in my early 30's. It's up in the air, as always, but that's the current plan. Part of me feels reeeeally guilty for considering trying to conceive when obviously adoption is "enough" for us. It's just... I've always seen us with both, thought we'd experience both miracles, and I'm pretty sure we'll regret it if we don't really try. It's odd, most people have to come to terms with adoption after giving birth or trying to give birth. I have to come to terms with birth after adoption! If it happens, of course. We have a part in it, definitely, but it's not completely in our hands.

Up to roughly 18 oz a day. Woohoo! Goal 3! Yeah! Gotta cheer me on :)

Feeling optimistic. Well, trying to anyway. Right now I KNOW it could be any day. I also know we have no guarantee it'll ever happen. Great, right?

I'm also a little bummed currently. I went to a consignment sale, got up crazy early to do so, and really... it wasn't as much fun. We just don't need as much. Now, should we end up with a girl we'll need A LOT of different/new clothes. But as is, baby should be set for the first several months of life, and P now has a 5T/5/6 wardrobe. Also, he has too many toys!

Homeschooling is going well. We're working on a letter a week, just learning about it and reading books with the letter featured, and singing songs about the letter, etc. We're on H this week! Also added in a few little math and writing activities. I'm trying to remember that this is the absolute bare basics, introduction to homeschooling. Gotta ignore those kids that are younger than him and reading and writing and doing basic math. Gotta focus on the fact that learning is currently fun and he's a smart boy who's happy to learn and happy to DO things by himself, like draw and color and play. He's so little but so big...

Alright, time to spend some quality time with the husband. :) I can't believe it! Our 4 year wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple months, and we've actually been together like 7.5 years now. And I still like the guy :)

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Just a little slice of life...

Trying not to spend too long on the computer tonight, but I haven't blogged in awhile. I really feel like life is passing by soooooo fast and I want to savor every moment! But at the same time I want to record every moment so I don't forget a single thing.

No where near finished P's baby book. I'm so bad about that! Hopefully BB's baby book will show up soon and we can start filling that out. Need to print out photos and work on our yearly photo album. We're well past the halfway mark for the year so I should go ahead and at least do through June!

Am playing The Sims 3 when I have a chance. It's more fun now. Managing the whole town pretty much, not playing any specific families. It's.... very different from the first two. But still fun! Enjoying Boys Before Flowers with Nik right now. We've watched both Together: Superstar Express and Fated to Love You. We love how nuts the dramas are!

Went on a date on Friday. Enjoyed sandwiches and coffee at Port City Java, and froyo at Crema on Fayetteville. P busted his lip and kept telling us "there was a big people in a pink shirt, then there was a big people in a blue shirt. Two people! One big people in a pink shirt and one big people in a blue shirt!" It's so cute! I'm so glad he can more easily communicate now, but I'm also glad he's in the stage where he's making up the most adorable sentences.

We went through another disappointment last week. A situation came up at the agency, we went back and forth on it due to issues involved, Nik finally called and got more info, we decided to go for it finally feeling this was IT and then... the couple who'd been sitting next to us in orientation (on our left) were picked. They were placed Friday. We saw the pics, which are always a little depressing and a little healing at the same time. Great people, very glad for them. Still hurts. Some part of me was happy when the other couples picked over us had no kids as I felt they deserved a child and were more desirable with no children. This couple has two young children, both from infancy. I feel kind of gypped, like we should have had our chance to raise an infant before someone who's done it twice. Stupid thoughts really, and rationally looking at the baby's picture he doesn't feel like mine and I'm so happy they have a third child (as someone who hopes to have a huge family, how bitter can I be?). Our time will come. I just hope it comes soon!

Nik and I are working, half heartedly, on an adventure game together. It's fun though. We sort of talk about it in our spare time. Nik's more into the RPG maker. I'm more into the plotline. We'll see what comes of it!

I suppose that's all I have to update with right now. Not getting too far in TMI land. about 16.5 oz/day, not a huge difference. My increases are so slight now, and faaaaar between. Really I'm trying more to hold steady than anything else! Still hoping to be making 24+ when baby comes home, though if baby wants to come home soon.... I'm game!

Alright, time to watch our 3rd episode of the day. Yay!!!! And time for Nik to apply aloe to my back. Ugh, the stickiness. We went to Sandling Beach for the first time yesterday. P had a blast, as did we, but man were we burnt! P is fine but we forgot sunscreen! Okay, time to go :)