Saturday, October 31, 2009


I'm just feeling overwhelmed today. Sleep problems starting to get to me finally. And P is in trouble at Sunday school for misbehavior, meaning one of us has to stay with him in Sunday school each week until he can be better. He's being so defiant, so sleep sensitive, and gets up sooooo early, like 4:30am most days now. We're all just so tired. No idea what we can do for him other than pray it passes. So tired.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Things I know about Ambrose

I did a million posts like this for P. I think everything was so stressful then, and I had such a small social outlet, that I spent a long time recording every minuscule thing on my livejournal. Now? I'm living life more than posting on it. Maybe it's because I can rarely put this boy down, or maybe it's because I have 2 now. Dunno. But before time, that speedy jerk, rushes by too fast, let's go ahead and record some things about Mr. Ambrose Locke.

-Swaddling. He can normally handle, and sometimes even enjoy, under arm swaddling. But don't you even think about keeping his hands immobilized!
-Being placed on his back. He's getting better about this one but he'd still prefer side or tummy.
-Cold. Not only does he sneeze when hit by a draft (so cute!) but he detests being cold and complains endlessly during diaper changes, clothing changes, baths that take too long, going outside when there's a breeze, or sometimes even changing positions from a warm comfy spot to something a little more room temp.
-Being the car. Hates it. He wants to be held, dangit, not placed on his back in a cool carseat and left to lay there for waaaaaay too long (sometimes like 10 minutes!) while we do God knows what and show up in some random place.

-Eating. Oh, this boy can eat!
-Cuddling. He gets in the most delicious positions!
-Sleeping. He does it well :)
-Playing. He's just so chipper when he's awake, bright eyed and ready to interact!
-Paxton. He's fascinated by the littlest big person he regularly comes into contact with, the one that hops around the house and sings off key.
-Mommy and Daddy. One is good for sleep, the other for food. Both good for play.
-The Little Einsteins Rocket/Piano toy that has light up keys and music. Song #8 seems perfect since it's slow enough for him to follow the lights.
-A light toy from DisneyWorld. On our honeymoon I bought it cuz it was pretty, looking forward to the day our kids would like it. Well, both our kids love it. Kinda great :)

-He wakes up from a looooong slumber ravenous and fussy, and yawns a lot.
-Finally, he starts to wave his little fists around and make kind of a rattlesnake noise, with wide, bright eyes, very clear, making eye contact and holding it. I think he's actually trying to tell us "hey, I'm up, it's play time!" Cute, but not so much fun at 3am.
-He eats like every 20 minutes during playtime.
-He does tummy time for several minutes until he throws a hissy. He enjoys being held high in the air and slowly lowered. Loves kisses and looks like he's trying to kiss back. Turns his head to follow the light toys or in response to his name (sometimes). Does "sit ups, push ups and stand ups." Will sometimes lock eyes with me and start the actions of nursing, smacking lips and rolling his tongue right. Yay communication!
-Eventually he'll get fussier and fussier, and may actually use up all my milk and just fuss for like 1/2 hr while I "refill" enough to put him back down. It doesn't take too much as he really just wants me as a paci but won't stay on if there's no milk.
-After playtime he'll sleep really hardcore for awhile, and we've actually been able to leave him alone for up to an hour before he goes into restless sleep and notices. If we're holding him and he's in restless sleep, sometimes he'll want to be fed and will snack for like 3 minutes then pass out cold again.

-No bottles since yesterday morning. Some of his diapers aren't as soaked as normal but they're still wet and he's not too fussy. I'm going to give it a few more days to see if we get totally back on track.
-I'm letting him snack a lot just to make sure I have enough milk. The more he latches, the more milk I produce. Or that's the theory anyway!
-Hoping to get him on more of a schedule, little by little, then maybe pushing it a bit more once he's about 6 weeks and a little bigger.
-The hope is to eventually have him go to bed at a certain time, and preferably go to bed in his own bassinet or crib. We may then have to bring him into our bed once he wakes for a feeding, but it will at least afford us some alone time and give me some hardcore sleep time.
-I'm enjoying co-sleeping but not sure I want to be doing it a year from now. We'll see!

Sunday, October 25, 2009


Sometimes it really hits me.

We were PICKED.


All that waiting paid off and we're here, HE'S here, and we have him and OMG this has really happened and is really happen and, God willing, will continue to happen.

There is a very tiny human being on my lap. He's sweet and loving, ecstatic and bubbly when he wants to play, cranky and fussy when he just wants to sleep and can't seem to settle down, and utterly adorable cuddled up against us while sleeping. He's real. He's a real, whole human being. Tiny and innocent with so much growth yet to do, but he's real and he's here and he's our son.

I still can't believe it.

Which is probably normal since it was well over a year before it finally seemed normal that we had Paxton...


This past week was rough. Well, it started out great, but got rough. I woke Weds morning at 3am with a massive blocked milk duct. I'd been dumb and discontinued Lecithin because, well, I'm dumb. It was huge and it HURT and I literally cried out constantly while he nursed, then he cried because he couldn't really get anything, and that made it even harder.

I had my mother come over since it was supposed to be an important day at work for Nik. It wasn't, but either way things worked out. Mom was here when the fever took over and I had to hand off Ambrose right after nursing him. He was calm and docile for her, as he typically is for someone not me (I smell too much like food, and this boy loooooves to eat).

I struggled with chills and dry heaves for a long time in bed before passing out, woke up and forced myself to get up and put P down for his nap. Then I nursed A and pretty much passed out again. Mom took him and cared for the boys for another few hours. Finally the fever broke in mid afternoon and while I still hurt considerably I was much better.

We were worried A wasn't getting enough milk when he had a couple not so soppy diapers then one bone dry diaper, so we broke out the frozen breast milk and called the doctor for him. We were actually preparing to take him to the emergency room when he filled a dipe with pee. Never have we been so happy to change a diaper!

I didn't call the doctor for me.

That was stupid.

It was mastitis that I had, and it was so obvious....

So Thursday rolls around and ANOTHER blockage hits the same side. Not only that, but A absolutely refused to nurse from there (left) so I had to pump, and give him frozen milk which made me feel awful (it's still human milk, my milk even, and I never had thought I could nurse entirely with supplementing...). I was emotionally drained. I was a total witch to Paxton, which unfortunately continued for the rest of the week and didn't improve until today, Sunday.

Anyway, I was "fine" all day, pumped from one side, nursed from the other, fed when he was hungry, did my mom job.

Then at night, after P was asleep, I took a shower, massaged the painful lump, sat down to nurse A (all things I'd done Weds right before the fever hit) and then.... it was like someone threw a brick at my head. Or a ton of bricks. The chills came on so fast I was gagging and I had to ask Nik to take A from my arms as I couldn't move. I finally slumped over on the couch and just convulsed for half an hour or so as my temp got higher and higher. I only got to 102.2, luckily, though I'm normally in the 96.8-97.4 range so that's high for me. Luckily Tylenol and Ibuprofen helped to bring it down. Nik tried to call the Dr. but while the office was answering, they couldn't reach the on-call physician. I went to bed feeling better but still in pain. I also went to bed very late. Instead of 10pm, it was 1am. I was planning on pumping out that damn blockage myself, even if it took all night. Then I got tired and gave up. Good thing since it took a few days...

Thursday I called the Drs office in the morning and since I was already heading in for flu shots for P and I that afternoon I asked to see the Dr. then. I felt okay all morning, pumped out a bit more, still some chills and a little tired, temp got up to like 101 while pumping. P took care of A by giving him a bottle and wiping his face for me. Such a sweet big brother!

My mother came over again and was there when I finally hit the pus while pumping. Really great, right? It was utterly disgusting. I was just glad I was getting some of it out of me! I was able to show it to the Dr who agreed it was mastitis and put me on antibiotics immediately. And Vicodin, though I only have to take that if I want to (I filled the prescription since I will def want it if I have another blockage like on Weds morning). Nik picked up my pills on the way home from work and I spent more time pumping, and gave A even more frozen milk.

Saturday was more of the same, pumping and too much frozen milk (he eats it too fast and it hurts his tummy) but luckily I got him to latch on last night.

Today it's just a bit tender and pinkish but mostly back to the same shape AND A is eating from it no prob. No frozen milk so far today :) Yaaaaay! So we might very well be back on track!

The only crappy thing is the poop factor. Antibiotics poo isn't fun in adults, and it's certainly not fun in babies!

Also I need to watch out since this whole thing made my cold sores act up and I CANNOT pass that to A as he's just too young to process/kill the virus (dunno if R had it and passed it to him or not, not willing to take the chance). It's hard not kissing those pudgy cheeks!

Oh, and his weight check? Showed he gained 7 oz in 7 days! Breastfeeding is working!!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Kinda weepy

Am one handed, will be shortish.

I think I have some adoption blues. Am not depressed, just getting a bit weepy at the end of the day. Kinda sucks. Also, loaned out fave video game which always makes me happy. Sucks too. Nik is awesome, listens, hugs, provides ice cream.

Totally love my boys. Past 2 days have been good but A kinda fussy. Growth spurting? He's 16 days old. Cord fell off, flipped himself over twice and held head up during tummy time.

Mostly when I'm weepy it's over really missing my one on one time with P. He's growing so fast and has really changed in past week. Has risen to the occasion and is good big brother. I'm never getting my little P back. He really is a big boy now. It went so fast and I miss it. Wish I could go back and make myself enjoy him more. He really is a great kid. Gah, I'm homeschooling! I have like 14+ more years of being with him and watching him grow, day in day out! And I should be proud. He's pottytrained and initiating convos and being polite and standing up for himself and asking permission and playing nicely and just being the most awesome big brother. And he still needs us and we still snuggle and still have so much one on one. But I still miss it and I didn't appreciate it. And I just love him so much.

K, am crying hard now. God I love my chilfdren. I pray that, as hard as it is for me to watch them grow, that they grow up to be big, strong, good men in a world more tolerant than the one now. I just love them both so, so, so much.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

My love song

Sometimes people ask me how I could have been so persistant with the pump, day after day, month after long month. In a way, I see it not as if I was just going through an action, but as if I was creating.

I created food for my child.


Warm, healthy, pure love, filled with nutrients and antibodies to help him grow and keep him safe.

I wasn't just pumping, I was creating, like a musician haunted by a melody they simply must remember and lyrics they must convey to the one he loves. Like he would slave over a piece of paper and a piano, I slaved over a 22 lb hospital grade Ameda SMB.

And I created.

And now, as I sit here typing one handed while my baby son feeds, I see the beautiful fruits of my labor. I see him sated and peaceful, happy and warm, and loved inside and out.

Ambrose, this is my love song to you. I love you, my littlest son :)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Oooooh, the jealousy.

P was very happy being an only child. He's in love with his little brother. And now we have a conundrum.

It's kinda cyclical all day, him acting out like mad to get attention and babytalking (think Max of Max & Ruby) one minute, then happily listening and helping out the next. This week there's going to be a lot of one on one time with P, both from me and from N (who I've now been married to for 4 years... happy anniversary!). I'm doing little things when I can, and N is taking him out places or running all over the backyard.

Let's just see how next week goes, shall we?

A is just a doll. I took him to a Nursing Mother of Raleigh meeting today. Wanted to make sure his latch was alright and it looks like it is. It's hard not to know anymore exactly how much I'm producing, but I'm certainly responding to him (and his sounds and his smells...) and as far as I can tell I must be making at least pretty close to enough because output looks great (well, icky) and he's pretty contented.

We did a bit of tummy time last night, then again for spurts today. When he's awake. Which isn't often :) He's a sleeper!

P isn't sleeping as well, obviously, and that's annoying.

I don't think N is sleeping as well either.

I'm getting less sleep but it's quality so I'm okay. We didn't plan to co-sleep but it looks like that's what I may be doing from now on, at least for awhile. Both he and I sleep better/happier that way. And it's just getting so cold out! Maybe if it were the start of summer I'd be pushing him more to sleep in his bassinet but as is, when it can get to the 40's at night now, I feel better knowing he's cuddled up warmly beside me.

K, prolly shouldn't spend too much time away from P and N! A isn't an excuse to ignore my pre-existing family :)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The schedule so far...

Sleep, eat, sleep, eat, play, fuss, eat, sleep, repeat.

It's awesome until you get to the "play, fuss" part between 1:30 and 4am. Right now he's bundled up in the Maya, finally passing out from a longer play session (very awake this time) and a very long meal (both sides like 40 minutes). I've discovered he's prone to an insufficient latch, especially at that meal between sleeps. We're working on it but he seems to be doing better already. Output is good so while I'm a tad worried about input (hey, I've been measuring it carefully for months and now I can't even see it) I think he's doing alright.

When awake, which isn't often, he's very interested in everything around him. Especially Paxton, who's just as interested in him. It's nice. The two brothers seem to like each other :)

I'm just so happy to have him. So happy to be able to say "children" and "sons" and "brothers." It's a very happy time for us :)

I just can't wait to show him off to the world but I'll be cautious, as much as Paxton can handle. He's just so used to going everywhere and I don't want him to equate the baby with sudden social isolation.

Ambrose Locke is just too wonderful. And so is Paxton Tariku. How on Earth did we get so lucky?

(and then there's my wonderful husband...)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I used to wonder...

What people saw in little babies.

They're all smelly and cry-y and jusy eat and sleep and poop.

And now A is asleep in my arms, totally trusting and loving and simply living.

And I get it now. I totally, completely get it now.

I'm sorry that I missed this with Paxton. I wish I could have even seen him as a baby.

I'm so glad to be able to experience it with Ambrose.

Ah, baby love!!!

He's incredible

Ambrose Locke Alexander. Born 10-4-09, in our arms 10-13-09. He's just so perfect... Healthy, laid back, he latched right away, is sleeping happily, just a sweet little boy who didn't even mind his big brother poking and prodding and screaming out his words. So awesome :)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

2 days, 12 hours and 36 minutes left...

I believe her right to revoke actually ends in 1 day, 1 hour and 35 minutes from now, but as Monday is Columbus day we have to wait until Tuesday to pick him up. That stinks, but at least we only have one more day to really worry, then a day of last minute stressing and running around cleaning things.

We cleaned the upstairs today, most of it anyway, and so that area is ready for baby. Except we haven't vacuumed yet. We're saving that for tomorrow or Monday, just so the carpet is nice and clean and we won't have to worry about it for awhile after he comes home.

And we're getting more sure of ourselves, for better or for worse.

I finally added A's name to my ticker at

Ambrose. Ambrose Locke Alexander Everett.

When you combine the meanings of his first and middle names you get "Immortal Forest, Defender of Mankind." Good, strong name.

With a ton of geek influence :)

Friday, October 9, 2009

A kinda happy, kinda sad, kinda long day...

No news is good news, as I've been telling myself all week. It's been a long week, checking my iPhone constantly to see if I missed a call or an email pertaining to A. I know he's in good hands, and I know he's not really ours yet, and I know we haven't even met him... but I still worry and want to know he's okay. I mean, yeesh, even on the best of dates I still only leave P with my mom and still call like every hour and he's almost 4!!! Maybe it has something to do with all we went through to bring these children into our lives. We treasure them just so, so much.

Anyway, today at the very end of the workday I finally heard something. The respite care provider is running low on milk. We'd thought we'd be picking him up Monday not Tuesday so we only planned for that length of time. He's eating an ounce an hour and they'll need us to drop off an extra day's worth Monday morning.


My son, my tiny, baby son, is drinking my milk.

And liking it enough to keep eating it.

And he's drinking well.

He's a good eater.

And he's drinking my milk.

O.... M.... G....

I don't think I've ever felt so honored....

Even if I dry up now, even if we lose power and the 950oz or so goes bad, even if the pump spontaneously combusts and we need to pay for it out the nose, it will still all have been worth it, just for this.

In his first week of life, his first and most formative week, he's already been through so much. But he's also been given the milk lovingly and painstakingly pumped and stored by his momma, waiting anxiously for him at home. And I just want to cry and smile and squeal. I wish he could be getting it right from the source right now. I wish I could even have an image of him eating it. Or an image of him at all.

But for now I know that he's alive and well and he's eating well and that's somehow enough. At least for right now...


I've lost my muse. I was trying to be all cool and swank and young and stuff and write up another fanfiction, though this time it was going to be like a 10 chapter fanfiction. I made it to chapter 2. Chapter 3 sucks so far. I'm totally uninterested in writing it now. Dang. Hope my 2-4 fans who put me on "story alert" will understand :)


I bought new dish soap and it just smells yummy. Like, edible yummy. There, I said it, now I can hopefully stop thinking of my yummy, yummy dish soap


Just like with P I'm experiencing weird psuedo-preggie symptoms pre-placement. A touch of nausea here, some pee urgency there, blood sugar going nuts, and oh yeah I need to eat like cooooonstantly. Fun times. Especially the trouble sleeping and vivid dreams part. And the weird cramps, though those have pretty much subsided by now.


So onto the kinda sad part.

Nik's out at D&D right now. That's all cool, not sad at all.

P and I when on a date. That was the sad part.

No, I'm not talking about how rough it can be to play single mommy for a night (though some nights I'm sooooo not in the mood for it), nor am I going to whine (much) about what a total pain in the butt he was for the better part of this afternoon.

No, the sadness comes in the finality of it.

This will, in all likelihood, be our last mommy-Paxton date for a long time. Maybe even forever, though I doubt that. And by the time it will be just us again, all afternoon and into evening, walking and talking and eating a couple times and having ice cream and playing all afternoon and being silly... he'll be older.

And they really do grow up so fast.

I'm trying not to cry as I write this.

I don't think I've truly treasured my alone time with P enough. He's... wonderful. He's bubbly and happy and exuberant. I think I've let too much of our early times together flavor our current time together. I'm too used to sitting back while we're out and letting him play with whoever he wants. I'm so used to saying "in a minute" or "just a sec" or "no, baby, mommy's tired." I'm so used to hearing him beg for me to get on the floor and play, or carry him, or cuddle for hours, or read him just one more book, and I'm so used to saying no or making excuses....

And it sucks. And I suck. And I know I'm a good mom, I know that. The proof is in P, in how happy he is. We're good parents and he's a good kid, and this is a good family and we're happy.

But tonight, holding his hand and looking eye in eye and telling silly stories and sharing fajitas and ice cream and laughing and playing and hugging....

I'm going to miss this.

I'm going to miss him.

I'm going to miss my only and my oldest and my sweet little center-of-attention boy.

I'm so, so, so excited for him and us that A will be joining our family, and I'm happy about this, I truly am.

But I just love P so damn much and it hurts to think that this might be the last time I walk hand in hand down a city street, just P and me, making up stories together and delighting in the fact that we're going to get ice cream, ice cream, and OMG there's going to be candy in it!

Okay, now I am crying.

I'm really glad Nik isn't here to see me blubber on like this!

Back to rationality.


Today I started A's baby calendar (just purchased today at a consignment sale along with several larger onesies for a big baby). I also finished our yearlong photo album for 2009, now stocked, dated and labeled through September. And then I sat at the pump and the computer for awhile. So now both my back and my hand hurts. And a li'l bit of arm. I'm just not used to writing things!

Time to go look at happy stuff until I stop crying....

Thursday, October 8, 2009

4 Days, 15 hrs...

Until we meet him.

He was born on Sunday, October 4th, at 11:16am. He weighed 8lbs 14oz and was 21 inches long. His APGAR scores were 9 and 9. He has a full head of hair and healthy lungs. His nickname, as give to him by R and F, is Biggums. And he's apparently handsome.

And that is all I know.

In a way it's almost easier not to have seen him, or even a picture of him. I can't obsess like I did with P, memorizing every curve and tone and little hair. But on the other hand... I have a child out there, somewhere in this county, and I don't know where he is and I haven't even seen his sweet little face yet.

I know he's in good hands. His respite care provider, J, has had over 100 babies in her care and knows what she's doing. I dropped off a cooler of breastmilk and special bottles with a friend of hers, another respite care provider, on Tuesday when he went to respite. I feel a little more comfortable having a few questions answered by a woman who was sweeter than sweet, who assured me he was in good hands. He's being loved on and adored by a kind lady who knows far more than I about babies. He's safe and happy.

And I still just wish he was home...


I spoke with R on Tuesday as well. She was having a tough time. We both cried. I talked with F, her partner, a bit more and got some of A's description from her. She repeated "he is yours" over and over again, assuring me that yes, this child is ours. R is set. She's not changing her mind. She and F are happy for us and for him, and they know that they'll be better able to care for the two young children at home in this situation. I wish I could make it better for her, though. R is so nice... she doesn't deserve this, all this pain and sorrow. I wish I could take it away for her. I know not adopting A wouldn't help things. I think I'll try to see if there's a church like ours in her city, since our church was a big selling point. I'm sure she and F could use the support, especially right now.


We're not hiding it so much anymore. Even though it's not set in stone, even though something could go wrong, and even though R could, at the last minute, change her mind, we're telling people. Like, really, openly telling people. It's not longer a "we might" or a "there's the possibility that," but now "we're bringing home our baby next week!"

I wish it were today...

But it's soon, and every second brings us that much closer to him. Right now it's just about surviving, holding on and getting through the day and filling our lives to the brim with stuff until we can finally meet him and bring him home.

Oh, and P knows now. And he's starting to be okay with the idea of a brother. No more "no, I want a sister!" Today, for just a second, he actually seemed excited. Then he went back to playing :)

I hope P and A grow up having fun together :)

Monday, October 5, 2009

Paxton the cute

Paxton was a rough kid. Some days he still is a rough kid. In all honesty though... he's a cute kid. A REALLY cute kid. Like, totally adorable, get comments from people constantly kinda cute. He's definitely appearing more and more like a "spirited" child, which at first kinda scared me but now I'm okay with it. Probably though because his "more" is no longer "more violent" or "more angry" but "more exuberant" and "more talkative" and "more enthusiastic." He's a happy, bubbly, giddy, smiley, loving little soul, which sometimes you can't see when he puts up his hard, angsty wall of protection (good for blocking turmoil, not good for having a fun day).

He could literally be a cheerleader now, and I'd like to take just a tad bit of credit for it. We've been working on being thankful, saying little thankful prayers frequently (which he does on his own now), and listing out all the many wonderful things we're thankful for on a daily basis. He may not yet be grateful for these things, but he still knows how to say thank you :) And he's just so happy about it! "Thank you for my food." "Thank you for my toy." "Thank you, I like this." I love it!

We hear "hooray!!!" a lot, and little phrases from shows on Noggin, like "you made my heart super happy mommy!" and "Can you do this? Yes you can, mommy!" Granted he'll try to use this to his advantage (yes you can get me candy!) and he can be pretty sneaky ("Dear God, thank you for my ice cream, I love it soooooo much! Thank you, God, Amen!" Then looks at me expecting ice cream). I just love being with someone who hugs all the kids around him, says nice things to everyone, and is just so light and happy with the world.

Of course, not every day is like that, but most days are and I'm so, so, so lucky!

One snippet from today:
"Mommy I'ma get bigger soon!"
"Oh, how big are you going to get?"
"Taller and taller, up to the sky!"

We get "up to the sky" a lot :) It's so adorable!
Can you tell I love my little P?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

I haven't blogged in foreeeeever!

I'm mostly updating about my life on Facebook now. For anyone who actually reads this and wants to follow me there, my name is Megan McKenney Everett. I'm happy to add anyone :)

Now, onto the happenings of the past couple weeks!

A few weeks ago I actually broke down crying with Nik. I had my 10-15th duct blockage and was in such pain and there wasn't an end in sight. I just... want our baby. I started trying to pump in late January, we've been in process over a year, I've been living my life by the pump for over half a year, and all I want is our child to hold and love. So I finally gave in and just sobbed and whined my li'l heart out.

On Monday, Sept 14 (?) I was in a mood. An awful, antsy, OMG can't it just happen already mood. And I'd been praying and wishing and hoping and even giving up hope a bit, and checking my email like crazy because dangit something had to give. And then there was an email. A situation with a woman due Oct 5. And it sounded perfect. I called Nik to ask if it was okay then replied asking the agency to please show our profile.

I made it through Tuesday okay. We weren't expecting to hear anything then. Though I was already giving up hope. Another couple's face kept popping in my head whenever I thought about the situation, and I was sure they'd be picked. So sure, in fact, that I was kinda rooting for them. I was prematurely happy for them. I don't even know if they asked to be shown...

Wednesday we expected to hear something. I was checking my email constantly to see if we'd get the email saying who'd been chosen. I really didn't think we'd get the call saying it was us, just the email saying it wasn't.

On Thursday it was pretty much the same, only getting antsier. I reread some of the profiles on the agency website and caught something: one of the couples I thought was up for this situation was only wanting a girl. This was to be a boy. Suddenly we had a 1/3 chance or better. I was also at peace in the knowledge that we were #1 on the list for an African American baby boy should a situation come in where the agency would chose (we were waiting the longest for that specific situation).

On Friday I took P to a pony farm for a Triangle Mommies playdate. I kinda insulted one of the moms but sorta introducing myself when we'd already talked for an hour or so like a month before. I was just so antsy and out of it! We hadn't gotten word yet and I was... well, I was starting to hope. And that was scary! So I explained that to her, and explained it to a bunch of the other moms, most of whom are pregnant. It was when P was throwing a fit that I first felt the phone vibrating in my pocket but grappling with P I got to the phone too late. I didn't recognize the number, but it said it was from a town a few hours away. I was really starting to hope.

And then, about ten minutes later...

It rang.

I picked up and said, "hello."

"Hi," said a cheery voice. "May I please speak with Sarah?"

My heart, which had just lept at the call, dropped to my feet I swear. My sister's name is Sarah. I am Megan. It was a wrong number from another town and nothing more.

"I'm sorry," I said, kinda sullenly. "There's no Sarah here."

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" she responded. "I'm bad with names. You're Megan right? I'm M with ACH, and I'm calling because you've just been chosen for the situation with the woman due in a couple weeks!"

I think I'm paraphrasing. In fact, I'm sure of it. It was all so fuzzy! It's like my head and heart just exploded. My body was shaking and I was sweating and starting sobbing without tears and babbling and, OMG, she picked us! US! WE were finally chosen for a baby! A BABY!

We spoke with M for a bit, and then with R, the woman who chose to place her child with us. I had no idea what to say and actually worried that I turned her off to us with my babbling but, Oh Man, I was so excited and relieved and scared and happy and OMG!

The other moms cheered for us and helped me keep an eye on Paxton. I got several hugs. P had no idea what was going on. When my mind came back to me he was in a chicken coop, though apparently allowed to be there. I stood beside him as he rode a pony and tried desperately to reach Nik, whose phone had run out of batteries. I called my mom to let her know we were off for babysitting that Saturday (as we'd have to go to the other town and meet everyone), but I didn't tell her why. Not until I could reach Nik. I left him some rather pissy voicemails.

Finally on the drive home (I should NOT have been driving!) I emailed him (really should not have been doing that!) and said simply "Call me". I got a call a minute or two later and told him the good news. Then I got to call others and announce it on Facebook. Though my best friend Renata already knew before Nik. Hey, I had to tell someone!

Saturday was a blur! We left at 9am in the fully tanked minivan, packed some snacks and gifts, and drove to the other town. We stopped at a mall for a bit and bought a more appropriate gift ( a photo album) for R, to go along with the little bath set I bought at the mall. Then it was off to the restaurant.

I don't want to go too in depth in public about our meeting, but it went well. Very well, I think. There weren't too many questions asked and mostly we talked about random things like favorite foods, or R and I talked about our sons (her 2 year old was there).

After the meeting we went to a children's/science museum that was NOT worth it at all. So expensive and not fun! Should've just gone back to the mall, honestly. But P, as usual, had fun. And Nik and I got to sit around and just digest (not so much the food as the information and realization that, OMG, we were picked!). Also R said she didn't want to have any naming rights, even though we offered up the middle name territory to her. So we got to throw names around to go with our beloved first name until we found a combination we love :)

Sunday we announced it in church. Why not? It was already on Facebook!

We then spent the whole next week jumping at everything. She'd already had labor pains, what if she went early? We had to be ready! Obviously, that didn't happen :)

This past Sunday we took care of our infant care class requirement with a woman our agency uses to teach other useful classes. It was late and expensive-ish but very informative and worth it. I feel a little more comfortable now.

This week we're also a bit jumpy. Her due date is Monday!

I got a call from M last night letting us know that R had gone into false labor on Tuesday but the doctor's sent her home. They're both going in for a Dr. appt tomorrow to set up a C-section. It's possible the baby will come then, but we don't know. I think I can safely say that all of us our looking forward to him being born! And I'm happy to report that the hospital is knowledgeable and supportive about R's decision to place and is working with our adoption agency. Not all hospitals are like that so I feel better knowing where they stand.


We're preparing. Right now I'm stocking up like crazy on the breastmilk, almost 1,000 ounces in the deep freezer (and so much food in there now!). I'm putting together 200 oz and some special bottles for respite care. I've had a cooler in the deep freezer for a week now! And on Monday I'll be going to a new friend's house to learn how to use a Maya Wrap! I wanna be able to latch li'l A right on to me and just stuff him safely into the sling. We'll see! I'm sure both of those will take practice!

P's only issue with this is he reeeeeally wants a little sister. But he's starting to understand that he doesn't have a choice in the matter. I've told him that maybe next time we'll get a girl :)

I have so much to talk about really, so many things P's been able to do lately Mr. "Growing up at lightning speed." But I guess that's for another time, or just for my own personal memories.

All I can really say right now is that things are going well for us and we hope and pray that they continue to go well. Hopefully I'll be updating soon with good news about li'l A. I can't wait!!!