Monday, July 20, 2009

Nothin' much...

There's a potential birthmother signed with our agency due in a few days, and if she continues with her adoption plan I think we'll be one of the families shown. Another due next month and another the month after. There are only 4 families waiting for African American infants and 3 due in the next 2 months though no telling whether they'll continue with the adoption plans. Even if we miss out on all 3 opportunities we should become "agency choice" for an African American situation meaning if a woman placing says "you choose" to the agency, we'll be picked. So.... awesome either way right? :)

I found a home for a cooler full of breast milk. Will probably bring them some more. I actually advertised on Craigslist (haha! Never thought I'd do that!). Got some nasty replies but also got hooked up with a woman who's son is allergic to all types of formula. Since she can't produce enough for him (medical purpose) she has to obtain it elsewhere. They don't have anymore money to purchase it and the milk banks are dry, only servicing inpatient babies. So she was very glad to hear about me wanting to outright donate, and another mom on contacted me about it also with a cooler full of milk to donate. So hopefully that baby will be fed for awhile!

As a side note, do you know people can SELL breast milk? OMG, that never occured to me! I mean, sure I wouldn't mind some $$ if the person had it (they don't), just to cover the $1/day pump rental and ~$1/day milk bag price, but I hear you can get up to $4/oz. OMG, I'd be rich! Haha! But naw, I just wanted the milk to go to a place it was needed. Kept over 300 oz for us and the rest they got, minus a few gallon bags that didn't fit in the cooler.

Pax does have low iron but it's easily treated. At least we know! It can cause restless leg syndrome which is likely what's causing his bad sleep. He's been pretty good lately but still, I'd rather help him out. It stinks to see him wake up exhausted or hear him crying in frustration at night :(

Had a cool weekend, first trip for Paxton to the beach. I so miss the beach, and I never think about it until I'm there. It's hard having grown up near the ocean to become a city lover. Granted I'd choose city over country, but the beach is another story. The beach... well, most of my wonderful dreams are of the beach and when I'm there I just feel free and young and alive.

Of course, it was also a terrifying trip. Pax got yanked out by an undertow and I reacted instantly to save him, so while he's fine the image of his face as he was being yanked away... yeah, that'll stick with me for a bit. Little ham keeps telling everyone about it too, actually acted it out for me today and tells everyone how Mama saved him and kept him safe :)

We're thinking of getting a hotel room for a weekend and going out there from a friday night to a sunday night. What fun that would be! I'd want to get our new zoo membership cards first, though. That way the aquarium would be free and we could go a couple times. That would work better for our boy, to get him less afraid of the sea animals.

Alright, time for bugging the husband into watching our beloved Taiwanese idol drama! We're almost finished, just 3 eppies left. I wonder what we'll choose next. So long as it's in Mandarin we can continue to subliminally teach Paxton the language. He babbles for fun and now its tonality sounds like Mandarin! Hmmm, maybe we should start him with some lessons....

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I really ought to post more...

So I may as well write a bit, and instead of actually putting my thoughts together I'm going to do bullet points. Why not?

-Pax stopped getting to sleep on his own and will only really sleep if we read to him. I've been reading a big Narnia compilation book, with the books in Chronological order. I'm now on chapter 4 of "Voyage of the Dawn Treader," which is book 5 in this book and not book 3 which it would be in publication order. That drives Nik nuts! Nik read "Rainbow's End" and then started the "Wrinkle In Time" books. He's on book 2. Pax isn't getting too much story content from them but his speach and ability to tell us stories is incredible. I was overjoyed when that boy started to speak phrases, but now we're in paragraphs! Mini-novels some days. It's so great to be able to communicate so readily to him. He's really growing up!
-Pax has been sitting still for storytimes and is excited about them. Today we went to the storytime at Barnes and Noble with Miss Casey and he was ecstatic. Such a good boy to the little babies around him, shared toys, ran to get a seat when they announced storytime then sat peacefully for 5 minutes before they started then through the whole thing, only getting up for some crayons after the story to color his picture, then when he decided he didn't want to color he gave the picture to someone who didn't have one. Then he used his words to tell me he wanted to color and waited patiently for another copy, saying "please" and "thank you." He's been so good lately! I pray it's like this from now on though I'm sure something will come up at some point. Two steps forward one step back right?
-Paxton had blood drawn yesterday. It just about ripped my heart out. I was very much considering not doing it because he's been so great these past several days but figured we should check his iron levels anyway. He was so sweet about it, kept asking me afterward to hug him and "keep me very safe mommy!" It made me want to cry :( Even hours afterwards he was fine but I was trying not to sob. I think I have finally fully arrived in mommyville. Took me long enough!
-Trying to eat better by eating more organic foods. Went to Whole Foods yesterday, then Walmart today for stuff I missed. WalMart does have a lot of organic foods so I buy some stuff there, usually when I'm buying other things like shampoo or Splenda. There are certain foods I'm eating just about every day and I feel it would be better if I had those be organic. This is stuff like yogurt, granola, and instant oatmeal. Same with apples. I don't think we can just change our diet over entirely, but a few replacements here and there will better our diets. Paxton chomped down on canned organic kidney beans with feta for the past two days for lunch. Tomorrow it'll either be canned organic baked beans or canned organic chickpeas. Can you tell my little vegetarian loved cold canned beans?
-We really need to get out on a date! Seriously! But in the meantime we're enjoying watching Asian idol dramas on boxy box every night. They're so much fun! I like to say we're educating ourselves about other cultures, but really we're just watching soaps together. It's awesome :)
-Renata has the night off tonight so I get to go out for friendtime. Woohoo!!!
-Am enjoying church choir, even if I'm not all that good. Hey, they haven't kicked me out yet :)
-My yard looks horrible! To compliment the messiness I put a lamp outside with a Walmart bag tied around the top. It was supposed to be picked up by someone on CL a week or so ago and I've been too lazy to take it to Goodwill.
-I really need to clean out my closet and do a Goodwill run, both to drop off and to pick up. I'm at about 185lbs now, which is 25lbs over what I was when I entered college and about 60lbs lower than when we brought Paxton home 20 months ago. I'm guessing a combo of eating better and pumping is causing the weightloss. I can guarantee it's not exercise! Anyway, now I'm down from barely squeezing into a size 18 to comfortably wearing a 16 and uncomfortably wearing a 14. On top I'm down from XL to L in most cases, depending on the cut. So a lot of my clothes are baggy on me or outright don't fit. I can't wear 18s at all without a belt and even then they look a bit silly, just a little too pinched up top and I have to keep pulling them up. I hope at some point to make it down to 150lbs, though I'm just hoping not trying! I've had 7 slices of pizza in the past 18 hrs (thanks a lot honey!) so obviously I'm not trying very hard to resist! Ah well, I'm happy where I am and I'll be happy if I lose more. I just plan to eat lots of fruits and berries. Yum! And maybe I'll go back to Monkey Joe's with Li'l P and bounce for awhile. Cuz I can accompany a child under 4 and he sooooo needs my help on those bouncey castles :) Hey, it's exercise! More than I'm doing sitting on my butt right now. I swear, if surfing the net burned calories I'd look like a supermodel :)

Saturday, July 11, 2009

For Paxton

To My Dearest Son,

The past few months have been hard. You've had many problems sleeping and you haven't been very easy to deal with. But these past few days you've slept well at night and woken up happy and awake, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and ready to take on the day. It's days like these that we get to glimpse the real you. I thought you'd like to know who you are, or were, at three and a half (when you've had enough sleep!).

You are kind and considerate. You kiss boo boos, give flowers, share toys and food, and readily greet and console. You rush to crying babies with eyebrows knit in worry, ask me about other kids crying in stores, and when another child refuses your offer of a hug you calmly pat them on the back saying "it's okay," entirely of your own volition.

You are a good boy. Today you ran to a water fountain and before we had a chance to remind you, you announced that you were "waiting for my turn" and stood calmly while a little girl finished drinking. Later you barely hid your excitement while standing in line at an amusing exhibit. People cut in front of you but you didn't complain and calmly waited your turn, promptly took it, and were just the happiest little thing watching the experiment go off. What a smile! As frustrated as your father and I were with the other children, and their parents, that megawat smile of utter joy and accomplishment blew us away and spread your happiness out until I almost felt it coat my heart. You have no idea how happy we are when you are really and truly happy yourself.

You are so, so smart. You'll sit forever to figure things out, and while it frustrates you to be told how to do things, often you'll listen and watch and let us help you. You'll go far in life with your quest for knowledge and need to know, just as your need to be safe will help to protect you.

You are loving. Yesterday before your nap you hugged me and said, over and over again, "I love you mommy! I just love you!" with your adorable tired smile. You melt me, son. A couple weeks ago you were having a rough day and I was at the end of my rope with you. We came home to find daddy sick on the couch. You took a second to rush over and cover him with a blanket before trying to cause trouble again. Underneath every tantrum and slap there's a sweet, loving, caring and responsible person just waiting for his time to shine.

You're patient. You're giving. You're honest (mostly!). You're adorable :)

No matter how many children join our family, no matter how we both grow and change, no matter what the future holds, I can surely tell you this: You are my first and through you I have learned a love I had never comprehended, a love greater than I ever thought possible, and even if I should share that love with many others know that you were the first to receive this mother's love and at this very second, as I sit here writing this with you asleep in bed, you are my only and my one shining star, my light in the dark, my future, my dream come true, my darling angel and my most adored, cherished, and beloved child.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

And I always will.


Friday, July 10, 2009

Gotta get a quick blog in while I can...

Paxton's sleep disturbances have gotten so bad/frequent that we've sought out a doctor. Unfortunately our regular ped doesn't take our new insurance so we had to switch, but we got in right away with a new ped who is familiar with Ethiopian adoptions (something we want for Pax should anything come up). We saw her yesterday and we're getting blood drawn Monday to check iron levels, and a couple other things. P also had his first dentist visit yesterday. He was none too pleased until he saw the pretty receptionists and the little play room stock full of toys. He happily exclaimed "The dentist has TOYS in it!"

He was freaked out and scared at first huddled into me screaming and saying 'no no no!" and punching my back and tummy, but the people there know what they're doing and got him to calm down enough to have a full visit, including teeth cleaning, picking around, counting, brushing, and a coat of flouride. He actually didn't want to go when we were leaving and I had to chase him through the place! DEFINITELY a good find!

I don't know if I posted about taking over as moderator for the adoption forum at I'm really anxious to do a good job! Last night was my first MNO and I think it went well. I only ended up meeting two other mommas but it was fun and definitely great to meet people. It's a small group, very spread out, so accomodating everyone is hard but hopefully we'll be able to get together more often and maybe grow the group a bit.

Saturday is blueberry picking, P's first time! Nik'll be staying home to do yardwork. Our yard looks horrific right now. Desperately needs to be mowed, weeded, touched up, totally relandscaped, etc. Nik's working hard with what time he has and we've gone back and forth over hiring someone. We really need it raked out, and Nik's moving all the white rocks out of our front and piling them up in the back. We'll be putting down straight mulch. Hopefully this time next year we'll have a gorgeous yard, with nice thick grass and easy to maintain plants. Right now it just looks like we don't care at all.

TMI news: I'm now swaying to the sound of the pump and keep catching myself. It's so weird! I swear I'm going to start swaying whenever I nurse because of this. I'm going to look crazy!

I'm up to about 15 ounces a day, goal 2. I have a goal for every 3 ounces. So my big goal now is to "solidify" 15 oz/day (hold steady there and don't get lower) and then my next is to reach Goal 3, 18oz/day. I seem to hold steady for a few weeks, then increase over a few weeks. It's a slow but somewhat steady process. At least my hairloss is tapering off, and there's almost no pain involved anymore. Also I'm actually getting somewhere! Woohoo!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Not much to blog about...

Figure I should make a post anyway, though.

Pax has really turned a corner in fluid speech, sounds pretty great now and we have the funnest conversations. He's also mastered left and right, something I still have trouble with. Oddly enough, though, he cannot answer "why" questions yet and this makes me a little worried, though everything else seems fine.

No movement on the adoption front. We were shown and not chosen, totally fine with it this time though we're getting a bit anxious. I thoroughly felt we would be placed months ago from what everyone told us and had we signed on with this agency from the get go we might've been. I know it'll all happen the way it has to happen. I'm just sick of pumping 7+ times a day, including 4am, and not even being matched yet! We're getting to the point where we're going to have to get rid of some of the stored milk soon and it just makes it feel, iunno, worthless. It's hard to live your life around the feeding schedule of a pump and not a baby. I know a baby will be fussier and less compliant but at least I'll be feeding someone and not something. I made 15 oz yesterday, been making 14 all week, and I just wish I knew that it would actually make it to our baby. Trying to be patient, really I am, but we'd been in process half a year before we joined our agency which has a 3-9 month average time frame. I've been pumping since the beginning of the year. I'm tired. I get to sleep in Saturday but I had to wake up to pump and couldn't get back to sleep, even with a nice quiet house. I'm just tired and would like our baby now please.

Nik and I went on a date last night, ate at Hereghty (a pastry shop) and saw The Hangover at North Hills. Wow, movies are expensive! And you get like 20 minutes of straight commercials at the beginning. Seriously, once the commercials were over then we started in on several unrelated previews. It was insane! The movie was funny but I was so tired it was hard to keep my own energy going and laugh at the funny parts. Thus why I was happy to sleep in today.

Ugh! There's just so much pressure with sleep! And once I miss my chance to sleep in it won't come for another week, sometimes more, so there's sooooooo much pressure to get back to sleep. Then while I'm laying there getting adrenaline rushes because of all the pressure I start feeling awful because, OMG, I have free time! Me time! And here I am laying in bed just, well, laying there for what like an hour doing nothing? And I could be checking email or playing a game or reading a book, or even writing a book and I'm just laying there exhausted not able to sleep and I may as well give up already. I just want to cry. Sleep is so hard for me and always has been. I'm so unendingly jealous of those that can just lay there head on a pillow and fall asleep and don't need pills or routines or anything. Well, at least I got an extra hour. It brought me up to almost 8 hours of sleep that was only interupted once at 4am for half an hour. That's.... better?

I think the worst part, though, is knowing that because Nik had the morning out with Paxton he's going to come home tired and expect a nap himself, and instead of looking forward to 6pm when Nik gets home during the week, I'll be just praying and waiting for bedtime because that's when I get to finally get some freetime again, until tomorrow morning when I wake up with him.

I'm so tired :(