Oh, happy day!

You were so sorely needed!

Paxton has been ultra clingy this week so having a good day was, well... good.

I got to sleep in till after 10am, rest until 11:30 sans child, he ate and went down for a nap just fine, we had a great afternoon at Sarah P Duke Gardens followed by dinner at Elmo's followed by a short trip to a mall (and a $2 bouncy castle play time) followed by an uneventful car ride home, quick showers all around (we were sweaty!), an easy bedtime and a kid passed out asleep.

I think Paxton actually had the best day. This morning he got to see Gran, ate a waffle, played at the new exhibit at the kid's museum (opening day!) where he got to plant and water herbs and play in their new sandbox, went to the train station to see the trains depart, had his favorite PB&J sandwich, slept easily cuddled into me, got to wake up beside me (I'm crafty and snuck back in!), and ran like a crazy boy at the gardens. And we saw a baby turtle! It was the size of a quarter! And baby ducklings! Like, 15 of them following one duck!

Nik said he was glad to see me happy around Paxton. I didn't realize it but most of the time he sees me with Paxton it's the end of the day and I'm tired and he's usually started throwing his afternoon tantrums. Apparently he was overjoyed to see me playing with Pax, teaching him, running with him, laughing and having fun. Um, that's still like 90% of my day... but I guess if he never sees it then I understand. And on the weekends Pax tends to gravitate more towards Nik which I'm fine with so I guess he really hasn't seen too much of me and Pax one-on-one, though I'm still going to blame him. Uh, who cuddles him down for a nap every day? And stays the extra few minutes after lights out to sing a few more songs and list his accomplishments of the day and tell him how proud I am? Sorry, I wasn't just shocked that he didn't normally see me happy with him, I was a little insulted too. I know I shouldn't be since Nik is right that he doesn't see it that often, and maybe I should work on that. But after a long day when he's starting to get sick of me and I'm starting to get sick of him (or at least his post-nap tantrums), when Nik walks through the door I just kinda say "yay daddy's home! You two have fun while I make dinner!"

*grumble grumble*

Aaaaanywho, not to bog a good day down :) And not that I could be in any way mad for more than like 10 minutes. Whatever happened to my grudge keeping days? Yeesh, motherhood really does change you!

***

Tomorrow there's a potluck at church. I decided I'm not going to be my normal lazy self and not bring anything (and either just eat other people's stuff or leave). I'm actually going to bring something! I'm just going to be my new lazy self and bring something from the store. Actually, the channa masala packets I bought from the Asia store for a whopping $1.69 each. They taste great, aren't that bad for you, and microwave up in 2 minutes. I'll just chop some onion to put on top. Not sure if I should serve it with anything. Don't really have anything to serve it with! But at least I'm contributing something :)

**********
TMI ZONE
**********

I pumped a whole ounce in one sitting! Twice!

Two weeks ago after I'd slept in on Saturday morning I pumped a whole half ounce. I was in shock! It was by far the most I'd gotten. After that I started getting .25 oz pretty regularly. Now I'm up to getting .5 oz pretty regularly, even at night sessions. That 1 ounce this morning though shocked me! I actually flooded the diaphragm! I'm also waking up at night without an alarm now, or at least I have done that the past few nights. I'm still setting the alarm though, just in case. Anyway, the second ounce was after our time in Durham. It had been 5 hours, I took a quick shower and pumped out an ounce. They were achy!

Sometimes when I think about it the amounts seem really miniscule. I mean, c'mon, an ounce max? .5 oz a side? That's so tiny! How can it hurt! But then I think of the size of these little sacs holding it and I can see why I'm waking up at night to twinges and that tight feeling in certain spots. I also look at the milk I get out of me in a sitting and think "now, if I had an object in my breast that was this size I would expect it to hurt. So yes, it is reasonable that this feels uncomfortable."

I'm just hoping I continue to increase. Also hoping I can go back to pumping both sides simultaneously again. I seem to have my best increases when I stop that and do each side individually, going back and forth to trigger let downs. I'd love to do it in half the time though.

I'm being so awful...

Paxton has developed a bit of a stutter. Nik did some research and decided we had the TV on too much. Now it's hardly even on when he's awake and the stutter is diminishing. But right now he's watching Barney. Hey, it's educational right? And it makes the huge tantrum fest that happened 20 minutes ago just a silly thing of the past, not to be instantly repeated because, oh look, big purple dinosaur!

It's Earth day apparently. I think I should look up activities. There must be something going on around here!

*****
TMI ZONE
*****

I seriously think this whole blog should be considered TMI given how often I speak about pumping and the fact that many people out there simply aren't comfortable with such things. But eh, whatever. I just want to feed BB whenever he/she comes home. And I'm working hard at it!

I can get about .4 or .5 oz out at a session now, a couple times more than that. I gathered a whole 3 oz yesterday. I think my goal right now is just keep increasing and not focus too much on how little I'm increasing just that I'm increasing at all. And hey, I'm up to 1/10th of where I want to be! That's a workable fraction, much better than say 1/200th or 1/50th.

*****
ULTRA TMI ZONE
*****

My cystic acne returned. I treated it. And yesterday morning? I couldn't take it anymore and I popped it. Or rather I pinched the one thin layer of skin holding in the infection and it all came gushing out. It was disgusting but, well... kind cool. And I feel soooooo much better. I can laugh! And smile! And blow my nose! I can even wink with my left eye again! It's amazing how much a large bump tightens your skin up. Now it hurts a little on the scab and it looks horrendous (I keep getting questions) but it doesn't feel like much in general. I give it a week until I'm fully healed up. Hopefully my sudden intake of waaaaay too much water will help my skin clear up again.

And on that thought, time to drink a ton of water and pump again. Mooooo!

A post for the sake of posting

Paxton had a lot of freak outs yesterday. He REEEALLY was unhappy at church. He did not want to be left in nursery. I guess leaving him all day Friday did freak him out a bit, though not as bad as normal. Instead of us leaving him making him reject us, it made him cling harder (especially to Nik). We left church halfway through since he was a bundle of tears and pouts. We went to the mall and he ran around and played happily, until daddy walked off to get coffee. Then he cuddled in tight waiting for daddy to come back. He even freaked a little at my parent's house (same as the nursery, he's been there without us) but we didn't make much of it. He totally flipped at bedtime and I had to cuddle him to sleep which isn't normal, but he fell asleep and woke up happy. He's having a pretty good day today, just hanging out near me as I do things. Now he's asleep. He fell asleep pretty quickly beside me in my bed while I read a book to myself (required reading from adoption agency). Hopefully he'll be up for an afternoon of errand hoping. Two grocery stores and a library await us!

Oh, and my cystic acne flared up. I frozed it with an ice cube the second I realized I was getting a bump so it's big but not gigantic, and it didn't spread. After a week of getting more and more painful as I tried different things, I decided to go to the drug store to pick something up. While there the cashier mentioned trying the skin of an egg, from right inside the shell, and leaving that on the bump to dry it out. The problem with cystic acne is it's a bump under the skin so you can't pop it or normally treat it. There are only a few treatments, like birth control pills (which I went off in January) and anti-biotics, which knock me out cold. The egg skin did sooth and loosen it a bit and not that it's a little smaller and closer to the surface I'm trying the treatment I bought, which seems to be doing something. Of course, what this means for me is that I still have a huge red bump right beside my nose. It's just that now it's a huge red bump with white gunk all over it, so now it's extra noticeable!

I LIIIIIIIIVE!!!

I swear, by about 5pm yesterday I entered pure unbridled zombie-dom. I had to fight to keep my eyes open after Paxton went to sleep so that I could lay down at a decent hour. I crashed by 11pm. I woke up to my 1am alarm which was also when Nik was getting home from his new 4th ed. D&D game. I was very confused. I pumped for 2 minutes while whining and moaning and trying to open at least one eye. The same at 4am only Nik was a lump beside me then and I remembered to use the restroom. I woke briefly at 7am when Pax came in but refused the need to pump them. a whopping 5 minutes total over the night would have to do.

I woke a little after 9am and came in and out of sleep for another half hour or so, then lay in bed a few more minutes before submitting to Mr. Pumpy. I felt much better after that. Then I went back to bed. Because I like the bed. It was nice, the luxurious "I'm sure there's so much to do but I'm just hangin' out in bed with my eyes closed" experience. I even pulled out my iPhone and checked email and celeb gossip, just to feel extra luxurious.

I pumped again around 11:30 and was doing my minute long refresh period, which I do after 5-10 minutes to create another let down, and Grace called. Jacob is cancer free!!!! I was talking to her when Nik came home with his mom and Pax. My boobs hurt :( They expected a 1 min break, not a 30 min break! So I pumped at 12, then put Pax down for a nap, then pumped at 12:30. Again, feeling better.

Nik just went out and bought a new lawnmower and he's now off to pick up gasoline and Subway sandwiches. Because we really need to spend more money on eating out.

After Pax wakes up and we get some food into him we'll be heading over to Grace's to fix her laptop (hopefully) and see Jacob and Lea. We can't really interact with J because he's neutropenic again, but I can wave to him and talk to him from outside. Lea could use some company I'm sure, and Paxton does love seeing "Grace'n'Leeeea!"

No idea if this is all leading to a great day but right now I'm showered, pumped, rested and relaxed. Gotta bathe in it while I can, neh?

Brain tired

Been a long day. Not a bad day by any means, but a long one.

My first day without Paxton :(

My mom watched him from 9am-3pm and he was at the drop in daycare till 5ish. I walked in and he acted nonchalant, like I hadn't randomly disappeared (yes! yes!). He was also wearing nothing but a shirt and chasing some petrified kid with a toy while a petrified daycare assitant chased him going "omg where are his pants???" Yup, that's my boy ;-)

Nik took the day off work so we could both attend the parent orientation class at our new adoption agency. I think I can actually say we're working with them now. We handed them a big check, gave them our paperwork, got fingerprinted and sent that off for them, oh and I borrowed a book. And they were completely cool with me pumping in their conference room a few times and even "held" the room for me (slow day in office) so I could pop in whenever and not be disturbed. Wow! I was happy about that.

The class touched on, well, everything. And I was more than happy to realize that most of the couples were just like us. Young, happy, amiable and already with a child (or two) and non-desperately hoping for a second. It was strikingly different from that horrendous foster/adoption meeting we attended when we first started to consider adoption. This time we weren't praying for the other PAP's to get a few more braincells and some compassion but instead were cheering them on. I feel much, MUCH better about this agency after today.

Also it looks like African American adoptions are moving pretty quickly, just as their adoptions are moving quickly in general. Apparently they take quite good care of, well, everyone which is another thing we were hoping for. So more people signing up on both sides and more children being placed. They're small still but have already placed 11 this year which is why they oriented 11 couples/parents today (of which we were one).

So now we're actually moving forward, feeling better, and things are looking up. Ugh, I probably just jinxed myself. But really, it was a great day. And Paxton and I got a break from each other which I think is essential from time to time. I'm all for being attached to your children, but attached at the hip? Maybe not so much (long term anyway). The way I see it, if I need a break from Pax from time to time then he probably also needs a break from me, a time where he's a bit more on guard because he's not with Ms. Unconditional Mommy and a time when he also gets away with a bit more and eats a few too many pieces of candy and gets a few too many shiney new presents. So long as he's safe, I don't mind if he has a "spoiled rotten" day from time to time. It's just easier on everyone though if I'm not the one to host those days (except for those times when I treat the two of us to a shared ice cream or something).

I think tomorrow will be sleep in, if possible, then time with both my boys. Nik and I realized that we seem to split off even with the three of us together. It'll be a one-on-one and a singlet going on most of the time. It's like we all know how to relate to each other but relating as a solid unit? Now that's hard. So now that we've realized what we're lacking we're working on it. Just small things like me reading a book while Nik acts it out or us all building a tower together. Unfortunately if Nik and I are interacting Paxton tends to stand back and watch and laugh and comment. *sigh* that's just what we do too! So we're all going to have to work on it a bit. But it's a fun thing to work on :)

I think I'll be heading off to bed early tonight (so soon) so I'm going to go "do my internets" as I always jokingly say. That means a quick trip to some blogs, a forum or two and my fave celeb gossip sites before checking email one last time and eating upstairs to retire for the evening (until my alarm goes off at 1... and 4... and 7....). Night y'all!

It feels like a weekend!

Tomorrow Nik and I are going to an all day parent orientation class with our new agency. We'll also be officially applying to the agency then too. Yes, we're lazy.

This means Paxton gets his first full day away from me. And I my first full day away from him. He's going to split the time between my mom and drop in day care.

I'm scared.

I'm also... a little excited!

Shoot, I just realized I'm going to have to bring my Medela and pump in the bathroom.... crud....

Anyway, it's a day off for each of us from each other and I think he's old/adjust enough to handle it.

I'm just going to have visions of him being hit by a car all day. Or abducted. Or choking on food. Or, um... aliens? I don't know. But I know that neither Nik nor I will be with him and while it's nice to have a day "off" I'm just so anxious about it all....

Eeep!

Aaaaaand...

We're back to normal.

Dang.

Well, it's better than super tired and angry, but never as idyllic as super awake and chipper. Yesterday was sheer bliss. Today looks like it'll be a normal day. Some listening, some tantrums, a little misbehaving, a little being adorable, a lot of being a 3 year old boy. Ah well. It's still wonderful either way :)

Today's schedule constitutes lunch with mom in the middle of the day and a big "iunno" before and after that. Perchance a nice nap? For me? Please please please?

Maybe I'll be awful and play my game this afternoon. Paxton loves to watch and help. I just play a bit then save and hand the controls over to him (luckily, he can't figure out how to save yet). Maybe we'll go to the mall again, or the park if the sun stays out and the rain stays away. We'll see!

I want to live like this forever...

He slept well. He woke up happy. He tickled my foot to wake me and giggled. He clapped his hands for joy. All I heard was laughter.

He was an angel all morning. A true "dream child" as my mother puts it.

He sat through storytime and listened. I got to hug him and tell him how proud I was and as soon as I said it it was like his face exploded into a pure ray of sunshine. I don't recall the last time I've seen him so happy.

I finally got to buy him a couple books I've been wanting to pick up. This was the first time in weeks we didn't leave the bookstore with me scolding him for something or other, usually after a ton of warnings. He was so happy and proud, carrying his books so carefully through the store, down the escalator, through the store again, through the check out line and then placing them on the counter, then waiting to put them in my bag.

He played well with other kids. He didn't through a fit about playing in the indoor playground and instead listened, had fun, was nice, and didn't run off.

He went potty when asked, brushed his teeth, ate everything I put in front of him, said please thank you, and I'm sorry the one random time he hit me. Then he put himself down for a nap in his own bed.

He's been peacefully slumbering for 3 hours now. I don't want to wake him.

Best part? In about 3 hours or so I'm going out with Renata, just to cap off a great day with dinner out and a movie at my best friend's house, while Paxton gets his "daddy and me" evening.

I'm so happy I could cry...

It was a bad mommy day...

The nap thing didn't work and by the time Nik came home I'd just given up on, well, everything. I was so tired I nearly fell asleep at the wheel on the way to WalMart and took a couple minute nap in the parking lot before going in, then another short nap in our driveway. It's easier when Paxton is stuck in his carseat on days like today. Most days if I truly need to rest and it's not his nap time/he's not super exhausted then he's kind enough to either just go play in his room and not leave it (I can somehow sense when he leaves his room) or sit on me while watching TV so I can feel if he gets up. Today? Not happening. By 5pm I'd even given up scolding and was just putting up with having random toys thrown at me, being punched in the side or back (then kissing his hand when he hit too hard) or being scolded and screamed at.

Please note that 99.999% of the time there's no way on Earth he'd get away with that but he was like the living dead tonight.

And I screamed at him. A few times even. No cursing or put downs or anything bad, mostly just "OMG I'm losing my mind!" or "Please, please, just stop it!!!" But I still screamed and I hate screaming for many reasons. So I kept appologizing to Mr. Zombie who didn't really care one way or the other. And then I handed him off to Nik, who laughed while Paxton slapped him for 5 minutes while screaming because, really, at that point it was pretty hilarious (he was so tired! His eyes were practically sealed shut!). Paxton even asked for my help so I gave Nik's head a few playful taps. Hopefully my boy will think he just dreamed that.

The crappy part of it all? At the end of the day when he's seriously going into a molten phase, and should be incapable of movement, he fights it. Just like his naps. He starts arching his back and pinching my arms and his face and opening his mouth really wide then slamming it shut and picking up his head and slamming it back on the pillow, over and over again. He even started crying to try and keep himself awake.

And I couldn't do it.

I'm so burnt out by his naps that I left and told Nik that I would physically harm myself if I had to deal with this any longer and I just left and went online where I could simply ignore it.

Nik sang him to sleep like a good parent then gave me a kiss and smiled. He's so good to us.

I know that I have my own issues with sleep and that they're vastly exacerbated by the recent changes in my lifestyle. Pumping every 2-3 hours even through the night tends to throw you for a loop for a while as you adjust to it. I know it will be harder when there's a baby, but on the other hand there'll actually be a baby, a flesh and blood human being, benefitting from me being up a few times a night when I'm used to sleeping. Right now it seems... pointless. And scary. And time consuming. And exhausting. I'm getting used to it but right now as my body adjusts to learning how to fall asleep quickly (as I'm sure it will) I really NEED that nap, and if not a nap I need some rest. There's only so much mental exhaustion I can take on when I'm already tired. And I'm trying and I think I'm doing really well but it's rough and I guess some days, like today, will simply suck.

Ugh.

Well, in about 20 minutes I'll pump again then go to bed. I'll take my sleepy pills before that. Eventually I'll have to cut those out I think, though they're so light I can stay up easily after taking them (they just help me fall asleep if I'm already in the position to do so) and they're safe for breastfeeding babies.

Oh, as for my pumping regimine...

1am - for 3-15 minutes, depending on how tired I am, whether I can open my eyes, and whether or not I sleep through the alarm which I've done a few times
4am - 15-20 minutes, usually far more lucid. My eyes open and I can read fanfic and webcomics.
7-8am - Depends on if I get a morning shower, usually my biggest pump session
8:30-9:30am - depends on timing of earlier session and what I'm planning on doing. Usually pump right before going out.
11-12:30pm - Whenever I get back from where I went. Often during lunch.
2:30ish - Or whenever I wake up from nap if I took one, or earlier if I didn't.
Then it's just like every 1.5-2 hours as convenient, with my last being between 10 and 11 pm.

I'm pretty consistently getting .25oz/session or 1/8thoz per side per session. I've been able to get more than that though and was quite pleased Saturday morning after sleeping until quarter of 11. It had been 4 hours since my last pump session and I pumped out a whopping .5 oz. I was floored. I'm just happy I'm making enough to slosh.

I have to say... this whole thing leaves me amazed at my own body. I'm also amazed at how little I know it. I'm reading myself far better now and feeling a tad more confident. Guess I'm feeling my own femininity now or something.

I just hope I'm pumping enough for BB whenever he/she arrives! Though the fact that I'm increasing at all makes me stoked really!

Uuuuuuuugh...

Dear Child,

Me again. Mom. The person you like to randomly beat on and then cry when it hurts your hand and make me kiss it. Yes, the paradoxical loving beat bag thing.

Hey, so, um.... why the no napping?

You went to sleep uber late two nights in a row AND you had no nap yesterday AND you look like a little drunk raccoon with dark circled hardly open zombie eyes and erratic movements. You are utterly, utterly exhausted and bedtime isn't for 6.5 hours.

And I refuse to hold you down.

I'm sorry, did you not get that?

I said I refuse to hold you down.

No more.

No more of me "cuddling" you while you scream and shriek and no more leaning half on you till you fall asleep.

If you want to actually cuddle? Fine. Wanna fall asleep on your own? Double fine. But this "please hold me down jus' a little bit" crud? Not fine at all.

And it needs to stop.

Not only for my sanity but because soon (maybe very soon) there's going to be another little person here and I won't have an hour a day to hold your shrieking, screaming, crying little bum down to sleep. To cuddle you to sleep? Fine. But I don't want this house to be full of screaming and fighting and I don't like that naptime for you has degraded back into some bizarre "working out my insecurities" thing where you have to be held tightly and you scream.

I also don't like how if I'm not there watching/holding you until you're asleep you will get up and play with your toys. No matter what. Even if you're practically passed out.

I'm sick of this.

For almost a YEAR you had it right. If you needed me there I was there, and if you didn't I wasn't, and you always went to sleep just fine on your own.

And we are going to get back there.

Step one: No more mommy "cuddle" times in which you ask me to cuddle you and then proceed to fight me then get mad at me if I back off. I'm sorry, I just don't see how this is helping.

Step two: I'm about to go upstairs into your room. I'm going to remove your toys. Tomorrow I may remove your books if you do it again. Then I'm going to have "me" time whether or not you're asleep. It's not that I don't want to spend time with you or that I don't love you. It's that I absolutely will no encourage or reward behavior that is harmful to everyone and helps no one.

I'm sure someday you'll understand.

And that day... is the day you get to put BB down for a nap.

Oh. Oh, I look forward to that day... hehehehehhehehehe....

Happy Easter!

Not too much I can think of to post other than that it's been a great weekend and a fun Easter. Paxton went nuts over finding eggs (he found 5 and counted them for me) and he's alllll about the candy, rubbing his tummy and going "yum yum yum, candy!" He's being adorable :)

Nik and I did some stuff we'd wanted to get done, namely cleaning our two cars (the insides) and put in a front light. Or replaced a front light I guess. The old light had a bird nest in it and it kinda fell over. I hadn't noticed until I took a picture from the road of our house for our adoption profile and looking at the picture I realized... the light was on its side. Ridiculous. To top it off there was a wasp nest on the wires (empty thank God!). But now? We have light! And we don't look as cheap.

Tonight is dinner at my mom's house. I LOVE dinner there! And tonight's Easter dinner too. Renata's coming and Muslim or not she's still getting and Easter basket from my mom :) And there's carrot cake! And card games! And Paxton eating cake and watching Dora the Explorer for an hour or so with my dad! In the other room! Yay! Easter dinner + dinner at mom's house = yaaaaaaay! I just love having an evening to be like a kid again (and to see my own kid enjoy it so much!).

Happy Easter y'all!

Quickish post

Adoption Agency: Nik spoke with them, clarified our "huh?" points, and came to the conclusion that everything's great. I trust him and them. They really do seem to care very much for the well being of all clients, both expectant/birth parents and adoptive parents, and especially for the children entrusted to their services. So I'll be going to a day long class Friday (maybe Nik too) and filling everything out and reading a couple books and signing us up for some classes. We both feel a whole lot better now :)

Pumping: If I'm good about it I can get a whopping 0.25oz in a sitting. I'm not so great about it so normally I don't. But I'm working on it. And I'm freezing 0.5oz breastcicles to store in my freezer. Hopefully BB will be here within 6mos or else those get to go down the drain...

Paxton: I've been a witch mommy this week I think. I've snapped at him too much :( He's been on and off good. He just knows how to push my buttons and he looooves that when I'm hooked up to the pump he can do something right out of my reach and then run before I can get him. I'll even say stuff like "don't touch that" and he'll touch it while saying in a singsongy voice "I'm tooooouchin' it!" I'm working on being more patient. in fact, gtg, I have the urgent request of "mommy mommy play wiv me!"

Siiiiigh

I was about to type up a post about how sweet my boy has been lately and then he threw a small book into my eye. Now he's in time out. Such is life....

But he really has grown these past few weeks. Everyone's noticing it too. Not only is my short little chunkster becoming kinda long and gangly, but he's speaking more frequently, is interacting far more, is taking charge of some situations and is being far more social. He's also showing more complex developmental skills like keeping a beat, memorizing songs and books, talking about things that happened weeks-months ago, noticing when something's missing, noticing things that match out of a large group, noticing shapes in everyday objects and remembering what has or hasn't been sung in our little list of songs. He also now knows all the songs I listen to on certain CDs and will ask for his favorite song on a CD if he hears any of the songs. Siiiiiigh. That's a bit annoying. There's only so much "jumpin' jumpin'" by Destiny's child that I can take! And "Bye bye bye"! I'm so over that!

*****

Sometimes I wish I could just take pills, not pump and sleep through the night. Maybe I could. I'm getting a little over an ounce a day, maybe 1.5 oz? It kinda doesn't seem worth it especially when we're so lost as to the whens and hows of baby #2. But then I think that maybe I'll be up to a workable amount of EBF by the time the baby is placed in my arms and I'll actually be able to feed my child in the most natural way possible. So I don't know. What I do know now is that I'm very, very tired and my son wouldn't nap today, something I'm okay with as he had trouble sleeping last night and I want him to pretty much pass out tonight in order to get him back on schedule. But it still sucks. And the thought of pumping through the night...

Well, at least the Ameda is working better for me. And I'm adjusting to it and it's getting easier to get what little milk there is out of me without any squeezing and cajoling, meaning that hopefully in the future when I make more than .25 oz over the nighttime I'll actually buy a special bra and hands free set for this, so I can sleeeeeeep. As a side note, I think I'm only getting the .25 oz because I'm just so tired and don't do well with that whole "sticking with it" thing at 1am and 4am.

*****

This "affected by caffeine" thing sucks. I seriously need something to keep me awake. I'm having trouble typing and keeping my eyes open. But if I drink caffeine now I won't sleep tonight and I'll be even worse tomorrow. Coffee takes at least 12 hours to wear off with me, often more like 16 when had before bed and I've literally not slept a wink on nights where I had even one cup of coffee, accidentally or no (sometimes people misplace their decaf). But I'm sooooo tired! I keep yawning!

I think I'll take Paxton back to the kid's museum in a little while. May as well go pump then, oh joy of joys. It's not really that annoying or uncomfortable or inconvenient, actually. It's just the THOUGHT of "I have to do this" that gets to me. It's going to sleep knowing you're going to be up in 2 hours pumping. It's knowing you'll need to pump right before heading out then right when you get back. It's knowing that you'll have to plan your day around it (when really you're just planning it into your day). And sometimes when I think "I could be pumping like this for another year until there's a baby and then be nursing for a year or two..."

K, gtg

I hate feeling tugged in two directions...

Case in Point: Paxton is napping. He seems to be back to napping in his own bed by himself after a week of cudding up with me in my bed. I'm totally cool with this. It also means I can take a nap in my bed without him hogging the covers and no fear of waking him if I need to readjust. So I could be taking a nap now. But I took a nap yesterday and got a full night's sleep and will likely get a full night's sleep tonight. A nap will take away from my "me" time and might make it harder to sleep tonight, making me more tired tomorrow. But on the other hand... it's a nap! Why the heck am I passing up a free nap???

See? Dilemma.

Similar in the adoption thing.

We met with the agency we'll likely sign on to yesterday. Lots of pros, some cons. Figure I should list them.

With this agency:
Pros: Caring professionals, everything is very organized, incredible reviews, educated in all matters, adoption is very smooth through them, etc. And trained respite care during the revocation period such that when the baby is first laid in your arms you are the parent and there is no doubt.
Cons: The fees are much lower for an AA baby than other races, and if the bdad can't be determined and the baby appears biracial we'll owe an extra $6K. Yeah, that's giving me the willies right there, partially with the astounding cost of adopting a child you've already committed to adopt and maybe having to say no after they're born to the bmom you've already bonded with simply because of cost. And the ethics of that, don't get me started. But... everything else is good about them and I can see how they'd come to that conclusion. Other cons? Updating our HS, filling out a ton more paperwork, reworking profile, more references, more crim checks, going to classes, mandatory books, etc. We won't be starting again from the beginning per se, but we'll be close to that. And the cost! Again with the cost! I will be shocked if adopting through them doesn't run us at least what we paid to adopt Paxton, and that includes the fees for the USCIS and $4K plane tickets.

So I'm pulled. I get the feeling they are great, they treat their expectant parents great, and they treat their families great. But the cost is high, the wait is high, and the "within a year most likely" astounds me after hearing so much "less than 6 months definitely."

I'm pulled about going with them or continuing the semi-indie route, maybe going full indie on Parent Profiles or a similar site, and maybe signing up with adoption advertisingwhich is an agency in itself. And we have to choose like now. Or at least within the next couple of days.

I just wish I knew. I know it would be easier to just sign on with them and say "take care of it" and not put any stress into it, but it's also highly inconvenient and more intrusive into our lives than other possibilities.

And again, the cost. I don't put a cost on my children as they're priceless. But I can put a cost limit to our adoption process, and I already did and this will likely exceed it. By a lot if the baby is pale enough...

I'm just torn and pulled and confused. I can FEEL that our next child will come to us soon and I feel frustrated that the avenues we've taken haven't worked out, that Pax is getting older without a sibling, and that the cribsheets are starting to gain a thin layer of dust just sitting there, unwashed and unused for months on end.

I'm not giving up, certainly not, and we've already agreed that should domestic adoption not work out within a certain time frame we'll redo everything and head to international again. We're young, we'll have more children, Pax will have siblings, and it'll be easier if he's a tad bit older when the new baby comes home as every week he grows he becomes more laid back and amiable (he's going to be such an awesome big brother!).

I just... don't want to commit to the wrong path. I was so certain about Ethiopia and I'm certain about domestic (mostly) but there are so many avenues, so many agencies, so many referral services, so many independant options, and the second we hand $5.5K over to this agency as an initial installment... that's it. This is it. This is the avenue and while it will likely work and we'll likely have a new baby by Christmas and while everything will probably fall within our broader budget and we'll be happy and pleased and at peace....

I just wish I could be sure...

I think it's prayin' time ;-)

Updating while there's some brain in here

Uuuuugh... I'm actually getting used to the "up a couple times at night" thing. But I'm still going to complain :)

I contacted someone about renting a hospital grade. If she doesn't get back to me by late morning I may just drive over to a hospital and do it there. I'm making a teensy bit more every day, but by teensy I mean very miniscule. Like it's a difference of "just under and ounce per day" to "just over an ounce per day." I'd rather be making, you know, ounces and ounces and freezing them. I think the "making drops and pouring them down the sink" routine is getting to me a bit. Not in a huge way, but I'm not sure I could do weeks and weeks of hooking myself up to the pump, readjusting constantly, then pouring the tiny bit I'm getting down the drain because it's not even close to enough to store.

*****

Nik bought me a new video game and Paxton approves :) Last night when I said goodnight he said "oh, mommy's gonna go play her new game again!" I asked him if this was a good thing or a bad thing. He told me "is a happy thing!" then gave me a big smile. At least I have his blessing! It's Rune Factory Frontier, which is kind of a mash up of a fantasy RPG and Harvest Moon (the most kid friendly, relaxing game) with a bit of the vibe of Steambot Chronicles. There are some monsters to fight here, which is new to HM games, but keeps me a bit more interested y'know? And they're only in specific areas so I can hand Pax the controls and watch him row a boat or run around fields or the beach. He likes going "really, really fast runnin'!"

*****

My parents are out of town this weekend. I need to get over there and care for their pets today, tomorrow and Sunday. I'm cool with that, but it still stinks that this means Nik and I can't go out Saturday night (prolly next week) and my parents won't be there for Sunday dinner. We still invited Renata over to their house though and we'll use Paxton as our 4th Hearts player. That should be interesting! My guess is he'll tell us everything in his hand then through them up in the air and clap.

*****

I planted a tiny little garden right before a few days of rainfall. These poor plants are giong to have to figure out how to grow and survive on their own. I kill everything botanical so I'm hoping that if I just weed every now and then and maybe prune a little that maybe they can handle the rest on their own. Lord knows if I try to water them they'll probabily just keel over. If they grow at all that is!

*****

Also the lawnmower broke. And it was borrowed too! I must admit I like the rustic look of our yard, but the neighbors might not be so poetic about our yard.

*****

K, breakfast time! I've been adding to it this year. It used to be just plain nofat yogurt with granola. Now it's a fancy granola cereal and I've added both milled flax and fenugreek to the mix. The fenugreek is new and it's going to take some getting used to! I still like my sweet and sour crunchy gooey breakfast though :)

To rent or not to rent...

That is the question.

I decided to give my used Medala Pump In Style a week or so to convince me it works. Well, it's been almost a week and now I'm really going to have to decide if it's worth it to continue with this pump or worth it to rent.

Keeping with the PIS: No more $ spent, it is increasing albeit slowly, I'm used to it and know it doesn't hurt me, I'll likely not rent a hospital grade forever and might just want to make my body accostumed to this.

Renting a Hospital Grade Pump: Supply should build much faster, will probably feel even better, isn't too incredibly expensive, could use to build supply then stop use when PIS is enough or when nursing.

I'm leaning toward renting and wondering if I should just visit the hospital this afternoon to rent. I don't know how this works but I'm assuming I can just show up with a credit card. Maybe I'll nap on it and see what I think with a slightly less fuzzy brain.