The Waste...

We lost power a few days ago thanks to the huge storm that hit central NC for about an hour. As our baby chicks are only 2 weeks old and need to be kept around 80 degrees, and as the temp was dropping to 60 degrees that night, I had to do some quick thinking. I devised a plan, one I'd used to keep guinea pigs alive while I was in college and we lost power due to a large snowstorm: I would run off the last of the hot water saved in our tank in a bathroom, door closed, and heat the room up that way. Then I'd shove the chicks in and keep the door firmly shut and thus them nice and warm until the power came back on, hopefully later that night or the next morning at the latest (ended up being 2:30am or thereabouts).

And so, having hatched my plot, I went upstairs and turned on a shower, putting it on the highest setting and closing the door. I let it run for about 2 or 3 minutes. Almost immediately after turning on the shower, I regretted it. Sure, it was a good idea but the chicks could probably last a few more hours in their still-warm brooder before needing extra heat, and wouldn't it be smarter to just wait until the boys' bedtime and use the water giving them a shower? Same end result but far less waste.

But I hesitated before turning off that shower.

Why?

Easy: I'd already wasted. I mean, already there were a few, if not several, precious gallons of heated water just poured down my drain. If I shut the shower off now then that loss would all be in vain! Nothing good would come of that waste.

And so I wasted even more deliberating it, before logic won out and I shut off the water.

I gave the boys a long, warm shower a few hours later and after I put them to bed I moved the chickies into the bathroom. They survived the night just fine and it all worked out alright.

*****

And so that mundane and rather boring story leads to my actual blog post....

*****

We're considering giving up on this adoption.

There, I said it.

We're not giving up, at least not yet, but we're considering it.

At this point, we aren't really pursuing it but if the right situation comes along then it does and that would be incredible and wonderful and just brilliant.

But we aren't signing up with any agencies with high fees or getting locked in to anything risky, and we're being ultra choosy, and we're keeping our options open and refusing to budge. If it's the perfect situation, then it's the perfect situation and we'll go for it. Otherwise, we won't compromise.

(Please note that by "perfect situation" I don't mean "perfect child" or "storybook/fairytale situation." I just mean that the situation would have to seem just right to us and really speak to us.)

I was reading someone's blog recently and she was talking about how she's updating her HS entirely to be prepared in case they have an "oops" adoption, something that falls into their laps that seems right. And I think that's where we are now.

And good Lord it's hard for me to stomach...

The waste! The time and money and energy! Well over $5K spent on this adoption already, mostly in useless USCIS fees. And putting together a profile, copying, applying to referral services, applications and fees, mailing, emailing, calling, scouring situation sites, preparing the boys for another sibling, seeing if 3 car seats fit, buying girl clothes just in case, pumping every night to keep my supply going....

Wasted, if we don't adopt. All in vain.

And yet....

We don't lose.

We have two healthy, happy and well adjusted children. And there are times, fleeting moments, when I'm having fun with my boys, just taking our daily walk and singing or building and smashing sandcastles or kicking a ball in the yard and I think:

This could be it. I could be happy with this, just this. Just us and our sons, two beautiful, amazing sons, far more than I could have ever dreamed of. I got to hold a newborn, got to nurse and co sleep and baby wear, got to see the milestones, feed the first solid food meal, hear the first words, see the first steps, be the recipient of a first smile. I got the baby shower and the birthday parties and the first day of school. I could honestly handle being done. I could stop now, stop the drama and questioning and hoping and wondering, and just live this life forever.

But those moments are fleeting. The thought that I might never hold a newborn, my own tiny baby, again makes me ache inside. The heart wants what the heart wants and as happy as I am now my heart feels that we're meant to have another.

And yet here we are being fickle about the adoption.

Thing is, we're worried about the adoption business. And, oh, is it a business. We can afford the fees thanks to our generous tax returns, and yet... do we want to? We're worried about a system quickly becoming less and less ethical. It should not cost an average of $33K to adopt a newborn within your home country, but it does. Agencies across the board are raising fees and requiring more up front, refunding less, and it appears that there's more $$ going towards "birth mother expenses" which greatly worries me.

I'm not saying all adoption agencies are unethical, I'm sure many agencies in specific (hopefully most) are just great. But in general, I'm worried and so is Nik.

And then there's the pregnancy thing....

We may, honestly, decide to stop at 3. If we're considering it at 2, it will be an even higher consideration at 3.

And if we know we might want to stop at 3, and I know I'd love to experience a pregnancy.....

Yeah.

So, we've started calling fertility clinics and I'm researching REs and embryo adoption and infertility support groups and fertility acupuncture.

We're not totally ready to switch gears yet, but we're looking into it, thinking we may want to have some tests done and see what our options are. Could we have luck with IUI? Natural? Could medications and aromatherapy help? Or should we go right to FET with donor embryos?

And even then, talking about several THOUSAND dollars per try... yeah, that's scary. I'm seeing $4K per FET before meds. May want to call around a bit, neh?

I don't know, it all feels so jumbled and up in the air, and sometimes I almost do want to just settle and be done, say "we have our two, we're good" and be over it and just focus on them and watching them grow and providing the best environment for them alone. And other days, I think we should just do that for a couple years then come back to TTC or adoption. Then I think, "Let's get all our family building out of the way, and fast!" and I feel rushed and pressured. And other times I think, "Wow, I wish we were suddenly and magically fertile so we didn't have to sit around and worry about such things..."

So we're in a deciding phase, a learning phase, a researching phase. We're going to see if there's even a possibility of me becoming pregnant. And we're going to stay active with the adoption, at least until the home study dries up, just in case our next one is out there somewhere, and oh how we would truly love it if the right situation came to us.

And we'll be talking a lot and thinking a lot and I'll probably be writing a lot as I process my own thoughts and emotions.

You've been warned :)