For Paxton

To My Dearest Son,

The past few months have been hard. You've had many problems sleeping and you haven't been very easy to deal with. But these past few days you've slept well at night and woken up happy and awake, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and ready to take on the day. It's days like these that we get to glimpse the real you. I thought you'd like to know who you are, or were, at three and a half (when you've had enough sleep!).

You are kind and considerate. You kiss boo boos, give flowers, share toys and food, and readily greet and console. You rush to crying babies with eyebrows knit in worry, ask me about other kids crying in stores, and when another child refuses your offer of a hug you calmly pat them on the back saying "it's okay," entirely of your own volition.

You are a good boy. Today you ran to a water fountain and before we had a chance to remind you, you announced that you were "waiting for my turn" and stood calmly while a little girl finished drinking. Later you barely hid your excitement while standing in line at an amusing exhibit. People cut in front of you but you didn't complain and calmly waited your turn, promptly took it, and were just the happiest little thing watching the experiment go off. What a smile! As frustrated as your father and I were with the other children, and their parents, that megawat smile of utter joy and accomplishment blew us away and spread your happiness out until I almost felt it coat my heart. You have no idea how happy we are when you are really and truly happy yourself.

You are so, so smart. You'll sit forever to figure things out, and while it frustrates you to be told how to do things, often you'll listen and watch and let us help you. You'll go far in life with your quest for knowledge and need to know, just as your need to be safe will help to protect you.

You are loving. Yesterday before your nap you hugged me and said, over and over again, "I love you mommy! I just love you!" with your adorable tired smile. You melt me, son. A couple weeks ago you were having a rough day and I was at the end of my rope with you. We came home to find daddy sick on the couch. You took a second to rush over and cover him with a blanket before trying to cause trouble again. Underneath every tantrum and slap there's a sweet, loving, caring and responsible person just waiting for his time to shine.

You're patient. You're giving. You're honest (mostly!). You're adorable :)

No matter how many children join our family, no matter how we both grow and change, no matter what the future holds, I can surely tell you this: You are my first and through you I have learned a love I had never comprehended, a love greater than I ever thought possible, and even if I should share that love with many others know that you were the first to receive this mother's love and at this very second, as I sit here writing this with you asleep in bed, you are my only and my one shining star, my light in the dark, my future, my dream come true, my darling angel and my most adored, cherished, and beloved child.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

And I always will.

-Mommy