Friday, May 20, 2011

The Sorrow...

Today was the last day of preschool....

There was crying. There were angry outbursts. There was a lot of chocolate and other treats to help throughout the past few days. There were angry thoughts and selfish words. There was a lot of sulking and time alone spent being angry and upset.

And then there was Paxton, who handled it just fine.

Yeah, so, here I expected that the start of Kindergarten would be the thing kicking me in the @$$, but no, the end of preschool totally got to me.

I broke down crying a couple days ago, my last day as Helping Parent, as I washed the bowls after snack time.

This is my last time washing these bowls...

And that was enough to send me over the edge.

"Blues Away" tea and yoga and television and oodles of chocolate and talks with Nik... yeah, they've helped.

But there's still that sorrow...

He's not a baby anymore. Not really a "little kid" anymore. He's a regular kid now. A school-ager. He can read and write and do very basic math, and he knows how to work his way in society without issue. He speaks his mind and has his own preferences and fits perfectly in the world. I can let him play outside by himself without having to check on him, I can let him play downstairs all morning while I sleep, I can let him prepare a lot of his own food. He's a big boy now. And that phase of his life, that "pre-kid" phase, that extended baby phase... it's over.

Also he has two big, grown up teeth coming in. WTH?


To make matters worse, I think I may be weaning Ambrose.

Oh, I don't WANT to wean Ambrose.

I just want to be off Domperidone.

I've been on it for well over 2 years now, and there aren't enough long term studies for me to feel very comfortable with that. I've also heard (though it may not be true) that extended use may permanently harm your uterus, which would be fine if I could give up this dang blasted desire to birth a child someday.

Thing is, I want to get pregnant at some point, and I really want to get as many drugs out of my body as possible. I've exchanged coffee for green tea, which took several awful days of withdrawal. And switched an herbal sleeping pill, with Valerian and the like, for my old melatonin which went a lot faster than I anticipated. So of the 3 things I was taking in daily that could harm/stop ovulation I have only the one left: domperidone.

As a prolactin, the dom can just outright stop ovulation. In fact, when I started taking it in early '09, at 40mg/day, I stopped having a cycle immediately even though I was only getting drops of milk. It's entirely possible that I could have had my cycle back while lactating if I were doing it naturally, but it seems the dom itself is what's keeping that at bay.

I've been weaning myself off it, little by little, and I'm down from 120mg/day to 30mg/day, a huge drop. I want to be done with it completely within the next couple weeks.

Well, I mean, that's the plan anyway...

And then my sweet 19 month old little baby reaches for me, squeezing his fists and crying "na-na? na-na?" and we go to lay on my bed together and he laughs and claps as I lift my shirt and then he latches and then... he pulls off. And stares at it. And pokes it. "Na-na?" he asks. He sucks some more, and then pulls off again only to stare more intently before declaring "uh-oh!"


I don't want to wean him. I really, really don't. I am starting to stuff myself with Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle and I'm considering upping my oatmeal intake to twice a day instead of once.

This morning instead of my normal morning stiff b@@bs I had normal, floppy ones. Not saggy like empty socks or anything, just normal and not hard as a rock. I still heard several good gulps but it wasn't our normal 15-20 minutes morning nursing session (our only long nursing session of the day at this point as the rest are pop-on, pop-off).

Thing is, I KNOW he doesn't necessarily need it. I mean, he loves it and it certainly helps his nutrition and growth. But he's eating and drinking much more like a regular kid now, with meals and snacks and a wide variety of fruit, cheese, beans, rice, bread and a few other things. And he can drink cow's milk and kefir and other drinks, and he LOVES water.

So it's not a nutritional thing... but he still loves it. And I still love it.

And in the morning when I go and get him and he's all groggy and sad and I change his diaper as he whines on the mat, and then plop him in the bed beside me...

And then his eyes start to really open as I lift my shirt and put him to the breast.

And I rub his arms and legs and cheeks and neck, and he strokes my belly and arm and we look into each other's eyes and silently say "hello, I've missed you."

That's going away.

That's ending.

And I know it has to end, and I know this is a perfectly okay time for it to end, and I even know that I can just suck it up and keep taking the non-FDA approved drug and produce a ton more milk, at least for the morning. But it feels like this is what needs to happen.

I'm just hoping that the herbs help and that he can keep getting at least SOME milk.

I'd like to believe I'm a superwoman who can not only make milk from nothing, but also continue to make milk while spontaneously conceiving my next child. What, you've never had a crazy goal?


So, on this day of whininess and funks, when all my kids want to do is run and laugh and play and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sob for an hour, what are my plans? Hmmm... I think Chuck-E-Cheese and then a date with my husband. Because I'm sooooo in the mood for it all :-P

(For the record, I don't stay in funks very long and I'll probably be peppy and happy by Monday at the very latest, just in time to go to the farm and begin our Summer O' Fun. But for right now I'm definitely feeling super weepy!)

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