So far so good, where summer is concerned. Granted, yesterday I had "one of THOSE" mornings, but only due to external, silly things that all would have been just a small nuisance by itself (just several of them within the same timeframe...).
The kids are cheerful and happy and being off our normal schedule so far hasn't been so bad. In fact, P is actually really excited about this summer, and Ambrose is loving having his brother with him.
I think I'm the only downer here...
I'm not sure entirely what it is, but I'm a bit depressed.
Perhaps it's because I'm watching the boys grow up in front of me. P ending preschool, A beginning it soon, both getting bigger and more independent....
And perhaps it's all the uncertainty involved with child #3, especially given that we were so certain that we'd have a child #3 through adoption by this summer and now that's extremely unlikely to happen. Even if it is by our choice, it's still a dream we had that won't come to fruition.
And on that note, perhaps I'm worried about trying to conceive, about wasting money and time and ending up seeing a gazillion negative tests again and again.
Or maybe it's that my birthday is next month, and as silly as it sounds I'm actually a little worried about turning 29 because thus will begin the slow (or quick?) countdown to the end of my twenties. Oh, sure, 30 seems extremely young objectively and many, if not most, of my friends are in their 30's and 40's and I consider them to be young. But me as a thirtysomething? I... I'm just having trouble imagining that. It might mean I'll actually have to grow up or something. Unfathomable!
And then there's all this stuff I have to plan and don't really want to, like hiring an electrician and planning Nik's birthday and father's day, and planning trips, and making a schedule for things we're doing this summer. I like having my schedule pretty much set in stone, allows me to just live my life all relaxed like without having to actually think about what I'm doing that day.
And then, to round this out, there's the possibility that all the work I'm doing (cutting out coffee and melatonin, weaning myself off domperidone, chugging raspberry leaf and begging my uterus to work again) might actually be paying off and the funk I'm experiencing could be entirely based on hormones. I'm rather sensitive to hormones and it's been over 2 years since any of my crazy female hormones have affected me for more than an afternoon. If my body is gearing up to start cycling again I could very well be currently flooding with hormones.
No matter what it is, though, I really hope this passes sometime soon. It's lasted way too long and I'm too old to be this emo!
Lily in a loafing barn
4 months ago