Thursday, June 2, 2011

Waiting for an Answer

Right now I am following the journey of several families, including people I know in real life and blogs I read.

Some are in the adoption process. A couple are fostering and praying that they'll be able to keep the children in their home. Others are on waitlists. Still others are waiting for children overseas. And one is matched and just hoping that everything goes as planned.

In the fertility realm there are people who have just had embryos transferred and are praying for a sticky. There are people who are currently pregnant after infertility and hoping for everything to do smoothly. There are families just starting their journey toward #2. And there are people who conceived naturally and either just gave birth or are due this year.

I care about these families and hope that they all have success. I know that they are all on the journey that they, as individuals, are meant to be on, but even so I hope that it's fruitful from here on out.

And then there's me and my weird in-between-ness and the indecision over what to do.

See, some part of me IS tempted by Nik's "let's just stop now" thoughts.

And I get it. I mean, our kids are little, especially Ambrose, and not only are they a lot of work, they're also a lot of fun. We're just enjoying them so much, loving them so much, and doing so much with them. Sometimes I honestly wonder how we'd fit another one in!

So yeah, there are definitely moments where I just watch the two of them together and I calculate all the pros to just stopping now. I think of how we'll be done with diapers in a year or two, how we could take the baby gate down, how we could travel more, how we can buy them more, maybe even send them to a ritzy Waldorf school or something. I think about how lucky we are, with two big, strong, able bodied young boys who are highly social, verbal and intelligent. Straight teeth! Sharp eyes! An obsession with books!

And on top of that, they absolutely love each other and compliment each other so well. They play together and laugh together and look at books and toys together and run around the yard together and eat together and sing with each other in the back seat of the car.

Seriously, could we ask for anything more?

But then there are times.... I'll be holding Ambrose so tightly as he falls limp against my chest, before I transfer him to his crib. I just rock him and rock him and listen to his breath and watch his sleeping face and then I flash back to him when he was a tiny little baby... and I remember the feel of a tiny body against my chest, held tight by a wrap.... and I thing of all the firsts, and all the potential that another one could bring.

And then I think, if it's so great with two, how incredible would it be with three?

Three voices singing in the backseat... a more complicated family dynamic... making A a big brother.... another little baby....

And then when you add in the possibility of getting to experience a pregnancy maybe, wow, blows me away!

I don't know. Some days I lean one direction, some days the other.

And honestly? I only really spend maybe 5% of my day thinking about it right now. Little hints here and there of "this could be all we get and I'm so, so fine with that" or "oh God I want to feel a child moving within me."

Of course, the "obvious" answer to all of this is to wait and see... I mean, I'm what, 29 next month? I have another decade to attempt a birth or another adoption, and if it didn't work out I'd still have my boys.

Even so, I'm not really the wait and see type! I want a plan, dern it! Or maybe just a sign, that our lives should go one way or the other. I guess only time will tell... as annoying as that is :-P

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