So I'm a few days "late," which would mean something if it weren't for the fact that last month I had my first cycle in 2.5 years and AF was a week early. So being a few days late? Yeah, maybe I'm right on track. Iunno. Either way, it's BFNs all around and I'd just like the witch to get here already so I can move on to the next cycle (and perhaps stabilizing my cycles as well?).
Anywho, the past couple days I've been giving a lot of thought to the phrase "a complete family."
I see people on parenting boards of all types mentioning this.
"We finally have our baby, our family is complete!"
"A was happy to meet her little brother today, our family is now complete!"
"We just want one more child to complete our family!"
To which I always question
"How on Earth do you know when your family is complete?"
I guess the problem is that we don't really know what the future holds. A "complete family" could be stricken by divorce, death, custody issues, etc. And then on the lighter side, a "complete family" might change their minds and want to give birth again once all the kids are in school, or adopt a sibling group, or foster, or have a surprise baby, or have a surprise adoption of a relative, etc.
I guess the thing is you can say "where my family is right at this moment feels like how I want to be forever" or "I am not planning to alter my family in any way" but really, how much control do we have over it?
I guess the reason this has been sticking with me so much right now is that, well, some part of me does feel that our family is complete. And another part doesn't.
And I guess the only way I could describe it is that our family feels complete right now.
I mean, sure we could have an adoption fall on our laps tomorrow and that would be great, or I could become pregnant which would also be great.
But if neither of these things happen...
Well, I can tell you that I would probably be pretty upset if 5 years from now we still only have 2 children instead of the 3+ we were hoping for.
And yet as I am today, as we are today, right this second...
Life is pretty damn wonderful.
My older son is reading and writing and so excited to start Kindergarten. He's snuggly and sweet, intelligent and witty, and so remorseful when he does wrong.
My younger son is cute and cuddly, learning a million words a week, loving his world and all that's around him, making friends and trying so hard to learn all about his world.
They are obsessed with books, both of them, and they love animals. They play so well together and fill our days with joy and laughter. They cuddle us and each other and just love on anyone they know, heck even total strangers. I'm always being stopped by people who've interacted, however briefly, with either of my children, always being told how sweet and polite and confident and talkative they are.
We have our happy home, our loving marriage, our wonderful children.
Aren't we a complete family?
And yet, can't a complete family still want more?
Can't I still long to see the double lines on the test, hear the heartbeat and the doctor's office, feel the flutters and actually bring a child into this world? Can't I wish to experience the bonding again, the discovering each other again, the whole new space that opens in my heart that was secretly set aside again?
Can't I wish for that while still enjoying my dream come true?
Or is it too selfish of me to ask for anything more when I already have so much?
Yes, I know, many families have more than 2 children, this is not abnormal at all.
And yet, I look at my family how it is now and I wonder how I can complain, how I can worry about pregnancy tests or charting BBT or royal jelly, let alone treatments and such, when I have so much around me.
I guess I'll just have to learn to live with the fact that I'm human, that I can be content in almost all areas and yet still strive for more, and that that's okay.
To conclude, let me share a small story from today:
I had purchased a box of First Response tests and decided to screw the first morning urine thing and just take it already. I mean, the box said I got one "free" so I figured, hey, why not use it? Either it's positive and that would be awesome, or it's negative and that would suck but it's not FMU so I could try again if I wanted in a few days.
So I go to take it, and Ambrose follows me in. And tries to snatch the pee cup to drink it, screaming "wat-eeeee!" I saved it, but he got the box with the other two tests and ran off. P brought me one, questioning me on what it is, which I dodged totally unsuccessfully (meaning he'll find it and ask Nik later). Then I found Ambrose drumming the other test, and the box crushed on the floor, because isn't that what you do with boxes? Stomp them flat?
So yeah, it was a negative, a totally white test window and a spindly thin dark control line. But really? My kids were being adorable and having a blast. How could I get too upset over this? I mean, seriously, Ambrose thought the test was a drumstick, and he was grinning and dancing to it. Yeah, totally different from my test taking experience 5 years ago.
My boys make me smile :)
Lily in a loafing barn
4 days ago