Whenever I have bursts of awareness, such as I mentioned in my last post from like an hour ago, I feel... smothered. I need to do something about it but don't know what.
It's often followed by a peace, which in turn brings guilt because, really, who am I to need peace so badly? I who have so much.
I think that's what writing does to you, or at least to me, though. It releases emotions and thoughts and allows the writer to take them out of their mind and place them in a separate spot. Yes, it exposes them at the same time, which is a risk if you're a bit of the shy-ish type (guilty!), but it's a relief.
Tonight I think I'll talk to Nik about it. We can find something to do, some way to help someone somewhere.
For the moment though I'm back in sleeping baby land.
He's fallen asleep at my breast again, breathing deep and calm, while his older brother rests quietly upstairs. Sometime in the next several minutes, perhaps as long as an hour but not likely, they'll both wake up and we'll rush around to go somewhere. Perhaps to a mall or the kids museum or a park, to have fun and play and laugh and smile.
And I'll enjoy them.
I've been enjoying them for a long time, in fact. In reading over this blog I've seen a lot of negativity. A lot of sleepless nights because of the baby, a lot of daytime headaches because of the big boy, a lot of worries and fears, a lot of dealing with trauma and anger and violence, a lot of sorrow and regret and guilt.
But life is... well, it's good.
It's REALLY good in fact.
Perhaps that's why I'm suddenly feeling the guilt, the sorrow, the awareness of greater needs. Perhaps my mind can't handle this peace and happiness. And perhaps it shouldn't since I really don't want to become so entrenched in a "normal" life that I forget that so much of the world is currently suffering while I prosper.
But today, at this moment, I have to focus on my boys. I have to focus on being the best mother I can to them. I have to give them my all, my focus, my attention. I have to protect them, teach them encourage them, ENJOY them.
I have to tell silly jokes, sing silly songs, and make up silly dances. I have to correct a misspelling as gently as possible, guide in the right direction, keep in control while still letting the reins out. I need to be all here, all present, to detect any fear from my older son whose trauma seems more and more behind him every day. I have to be all here for my younger son who needs me so much right now even as he crawls off at the speed of light to discover this big, new world around him.
I need to capture everything. I need to memorize and relay the hysterical things they say and do. I need to capture a photograph or two of them playing dress up or building at tower (or knocking it over, Ambrose's fave!), but I also need to remember the balance and come out from behind the lense quickly; there's life happening here and it's more important to live out those moments than to capture an image of them.
I need to be present to drive and to cook, to put away laundry and nurse to sleep. I'm needed here, in this life, in this role that I've accepted.
Lately I've been considering expanding this role.
I wrote a very, very short story and I hope to expand on that until I have a whole collection of short stories, a gift for Nik probably on his 27th birthday next June.
I've been thinking about learning how to knit or crochet or topstitch, about making something with my hands that I can wear or the kids can wear or... or something!
I've been thinking about joining a gym and working out , finally getting that body I've always dreamed about. I've been stuck in the 160-170 range for a year now (an improvement from the mid-200's before that) and I wouldn't mind finally reaching my 10 year goal of 150.
And somehow, some way, I want to give back. Perhaps take P to help out at a soup kitchen once a month? Find "the right" program and send $? Make something that someone needs?
Whatever I do, I know that I can't let it get in the way of what we have going on now. I can't take away my boys' stability (especially in Paxton's case) to go above and beyond. But I don't think I have to. I think... maybe he is ready to help out himself. Maybe this is a good age to introduce service to others.
I guess it's time to start looking around to see what we can do.
In the meantime, this baby is getting wiggly in his sleep so it looks like pretty soon we'll both be sitting on the floor playing a clapping game. Who knew something so tiring and tedious as raising small children could also be the most fun I've ever had?
Lily in a loafing barn
5 months ago