Saturday, October 23, 2010

Oh, joy.

So reading over the other posts for ICLW has got me all nostalgic for the days of TTC and no-BCP and hoping it happened and stuff. I guess that's one of the weird things about having always, always, wanting to both adopt and give birth: You never totally make peace with not experiencing the other side. I think I wrote on this before, about how it's like always wanting both a boy child and a girl child. You are happy and blessed, of course, with a home full of one gender but you always kinda, sorta wish that you could experience raising the other gender as well because, really, you did always want both.

So anyway, all these thoughts of course came at the same time as "bizarre" cramps and twinges, meaning that I ended up back in the "well, Nik IS on testosterone meds and has been so for a year now, and though his recent tests show he's not even up to the minimal number of normal range he's no longer in the 'can barely find any testosterone' category and who knows what that means for his swimmers.... and I'm not on BCPs.... and I haven't had my period since I started lactating but I could technically become fertile again at any time and there is the possibility of ovulation and if... if if if...." Yeah, those thoughts.

Those thoughts that I kind of wish would just go away permanently, but on the other hand since these same thoughts aren't about an absolute impossibility it is best, for health reasons, that I keep them in mind you know? It's not likely to happen, not by a long shot, but it is within the realm of possibilities.

I woke up this morning to the baby crying but got to go back to sleep once he was fed and my husband was up. I fell asleep wondering, just sort of pondering, the what ifs....

When I woke and went to the bathroom, though, I got my answer.

Ugh.

It's back.

I counted and it's been 20 wonderful, glorious months since I've had to worry about cramps and blood and timing but I guess night weaning signaled to her that she should return. At least it's so far been a very peaceful return, only spotting really.

And honestly? I felt a bit of relief. I had an answer! I didn't have to spend the whole week pondering whether or not I should by a HPT "just to be sure," knowing full well that it would be negative and knowing right along with that that the negative would be a kick in the gut all the same.

So I guess now I mark my return into fertile land. Go me!

So, uh, what do I have to do to get her to go away again?

7 comments:

thecrazycatwoman said...

How interesting to hear your story. Thankyou for such an honest post. Just yesterday I was wondering how people feel after adoption - i.e. does it take away all the pain? I'm really happy to hear that adoption has worked out for you, but a little sad to hear that it doesn't totally remove that yearning (I suppose it would be naieve to think that it might).

Unfortunately for us adoption is a VERY difficult process in Australia. Fortunately for us though, IVF is quite affordable here, so we'll be continuing along that route for quite a few more cycles before giving up.

Lovely to "meet" you.

daega99 said...

Domestic adoption isn't an option for us where I live- we'd only be able to pursue the international option. We started researching adoption because who knows what we may want to do in the future!

ICLW
http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/

lady pumpkin said...

Not sure if you're back on BCP, but if you are and don't want to deal with the monthly bother, try the progesterone-only pill. I didn't bleed for a year or two--it was lovely!

Take care,
lady pumpkin
ICLW #23

awomanmyage said...

ICLW

I'm okay with not being able to have my own children, but I had a long time to go through the emotions of grief. I posted recently about not having those moments of having your own biological child, but I do have to say that adoption of my little boy made an amazing difference in my life!

Kristin said...

Hope can be a royal PITA. I'm glad "its" arrival brought you peace of mind.

And, yes, I was talking about the NC State Fair. I live in Cary with my family. I am always so excited to see another NC Blogger online...especially one who lives so close. Feel free to email me.

justine said...

Thanks for visiting my blog! (And welcome back to "fertile land," that strange place where we're always left wondering. I'm with Kristin ... hope IS a PITA, in a weird way.)

English degrees, by the way, are NEVER "unused." I've got two. ;)

Heather said...

Love good old Aunt Flo...I'm a little jealous of your 20 month break. I know what you mean by getting some relief because at least you have the answer. It's not the answer we necessarily want, but it's closure for another couple weeks!

iclw #161