Monday, April 13, 2009

It was a bad mommy day...

The nap thing didn't work and by the time Nik came home I'd just given up on, well, everything. I was so tired I nearly fell asleep at the wheel on the way to WalMart and took a couple minute nap in the parking lot before going in, then another short nap in our driveway. It's easier when Paxton is stuck in his carseat on days like today. Most days if I truly need to rest and it's not his nap time/he's not super exhausted then he's kind enough to either just go play in his room and not leave it (I can somehow sense when he leaves his room) or sit on me while watching TV so I can feel if he gets up. Today? Not happening. By 5pm I'd even given up scolding and was just putting up with having random toys thrown at me, being punched in the side or back (then kissing his hand when he hit too hard) or being scolded and screamed at.

Please note that 99.999% of the time there's no way on Earth he'd get away with that but he was like the living dead tonight.

And I screamed at him. A few times even. No cursing or put downs or anything bad, mostly just "OMG I'm losing my mind!" or "Please, please, just stop it!!!" But I still screamed and I hate screaming for many reasons. So I kept appologizing to Mr. Zombie who didn't really care one way or the other. And then I handed him off to Nik, who laughed while Paxton slapped him for 5 minutes while screaming because, really, at that point it was pretty hilarious (he was so tired! His eyes were practically sealed shut!). Paxton even asked for my help so I gave Nik's head a few playful taps. Hopefully my boy will think he just dreamed that.

The crappy part of it all? At the end of the day when he's seriously going into a molten phase, and should be incapable of movement, he fights it. Just like his naps. He starts arching his back and pinching my arms and his face and opening his mouth really wide then slamming it shut and picking up his head and slamming it back on the pillow, over and over again. He even started crying to try and keep himself awake.

And I couldn't do it.

I'm so burnt out by his naps that I left and told Nik that I would physically harm myself if I had to deal with this any longer and I just left and went online where I could simply ignore it.

Nik sang him to sleep like a good parent then gave me a kiss and smiled. He's so good to us.

I know that I have my own issues with sleep and that they're vastly exacerbated by the recent changes in my lifestyle. Pumping every 2-3 hours even through the night tends to throw you for a loop for a while as you adjust to it. I know it will be harder when there's a baby, but on the other hand there'll actually be a baby, a flesh and blood human being, benefitting from me being up a few times a night when I'm used to sleeping. Right now it seems... pointless. And scary. And time consuming. And exhausting. I'm getting used to it but right now as my body adjusts to learning how to fall asleep quickly (as I'm sure it will) I really NEED that nap, and if not a nap I need some rest. There's only so much mental exhaustion I can take on when I'm already tired. And I'm trying and I think I'm doing really well but it's rough and I guess some days, like today, will simply suck.


Well, in about 20 minutes I'll pump again then go to bed. I'll take my sleepy pills before that. Eventually I'll have to cut those out I think, though they're so light I can stay up easily after taking them (they just help me fall asleep if I'm already in the position to do so) and they're safe for breastfeeding babies.

Oh, as for my pumping regimine...

1am - for 3-15 minutes, depending on how tired I am, whether I can open my eyes, and whether or not I sleep through the alarm which I've done a few times
4am - 15-20 minutes, usually far more lucid. My eyes open and I can read fanfic and webcomics.
7-8am - Depends on if I get a morning shower, usually my biggest pump session
8:30-9:30am - depends on timing of earlier session and what I'm planning on doing. Usually pump right before going out.
11-12:30pm - Whenever I get back from where I went. Often during lunch.
2:30ish - Or whenever I wake up from nap if I took one, or earlier if I didn't.
Then it's just like every 1.5-2 hours as convenient, with my last being between 10 and 11 pm.

I'm pretty consistently getting .25oz/session or 1/8thoz per side per session. I've been able to get more than that though and was quite pleased Saturday morning after sleeping until quarter of 11. It had been 4 hours since my last pump session and I pumped out a whopping .5 oz. I was floored. I'm just happy I'm making enough to slosh.

I have to say... this whole thing leaves me amazed at my own body. I'm also amazed at how little I know it. I'm reading myself far better now and feeling a tad more confident. Guess I'm feeling my own femininity now or something.

I just hope I'm pumping enough for BB whenever he/she arrives! Though the fact that I'm increasing at all makes me stoked really!

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